Month: August 2021

Just gotta ride it…

One of the reasons it took me so long to launch a blog was because I just couldn’t think what to call it. People had been telling me for months to write one, but I just wasn’t confident enough that a) I’d have anything to say and b) what a fitting name would be for it. It was a real struggle. For someone who works in marketing, I was proving pretty useless at being able to market myself. I kept going round in circles. I didn’t want it to solely focus on my new life as a widow. I wanted it to represent my entire life. To tell my story. To be something that was important to me. Lovely people kindly gave up their time to help me brainstorm ideas. But something just wasn’t clicking. Even when I thought I’d landed on the name; I was still debating internally. I just couldn’t put my finger on what I wanted it to be.

And then my sister suggested “Life is a rollercoaster.” I immediately shut her down. I told her to stop trying to shoehorn Ronan Keating and Boyzone into my blog. You see, she’s every bit as much of a fan of Boyzone as I am of Jason Donovan. There’s been trips to stage doors to meet Stephen Gately (once actually when I was also waiting for Jason when they were in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang) and there’s been many, many tours. In fact, 2019 will forever go down in history as the year of Boyzone because, somehow, she managed to persuade me to see them five times over the course of their farewell tours, one of which included a meet and greet with the band. I’ve never seen her quite as lost for words as she was that day!

But the more I thought about it, the more “Life is a rollercoaster” just felt perfect. I looked back at previous posts I’d made and realised just how much I’d already been using this statement. It was there in my Facebook profile. My second ever Instagram post was of my lightbox which I’d updated to say this (posted during the year of Boyzone!) My final Instagram post of 2019 was a picture of a rollercoaster and ended with the paragraph “As we head into 2020, there’s a lot of variables for Family Charlesworth and who knows where we’ll be this time next year. But whatever happens, we’ll get through it. For in the words of a song I’ve heard once or twice this year… Life is a rollercoaster. Just gotta ride it.” And somewhat fittingly, since I decided to launch the blog and go with this title, my sister has discovered that the original release date for Life is a Rollercoaster by Ronan Keating was 10 July. Mr C’s birthday. I got goosebumps when she told me. Yet another link to us. To me.

Because when I look back across my entire life, as cliché as it sounds, it certainly has been a rollercoaster. It’s why I’ve always been known to use and say it. When friends and family saw the title, they commented on how right it was. Because it’s not just 2020 and the impact of becoming a widow and grief which has been a rollercoaster. I’ve experienced so many highs in my life. But I’ve also experienced so many lows. All of which have made me the person I am today.

It’s odd that when I look back at 2019 and what was to become my final “normal” year, there were so many twists and turns, it’s almost like it was a prequel for what was come to in 2020. I think back to the very first Boyzone gig of the year at Butlins in Minehead in January. Four of us made the trip, there was laughter, there was fun, there was excitement. But most importantly of all, there was Ronan’s hat! To this day, I don’t know how I managed it, but when he threw his hat into the audience, I managed to catch it (if anyone reading this has video evidence of this, I’d be very interested to see it!) The euphoria on my sister’s face was something else. The photo of her at the moment when she put it on her head quickly became my favourite ever picture of her. We had a fab weekend. But the day after we came home, our family was thrown into disarray with regards to care for my nan. Within 24 hours we’d gone from a high to a low. The 2019 rollercoaster was underway. When I was writing this post, I started writing more about that rollercoaster year. But a friend who read a draft version observed that it made it feel quite long and went on a slight tangent. As I took the paragraphs out, I realised she was right. Instead, one day I’ll write one just on the story of 2019 because it’s absolutely one that needs telling and an integral part of my life.

But as this post is telling the story of how the blog came to be named, while writing it I decided to listen to Boyzone (don’t tell my sister). And while Life is a rollercoaster could be perceived as a cliché, I’ll forever be grateful to my sister for her spark of genius on this. Because as I reflect, it’s true for so many aspects of my life. Even my relationship with my sister has been its own little rollercoaster. We’ve not always been as close as we are today. She’s four and a half years younger than me, so for many years was actually a bit of an irritant! Our lives took us in different directions. We’d speak, but not really that often. There was never any bad feeling, we just weren’t as close as some siblings might be. But after our nan’s diagnosis with Alzheimer’s, there was a definite change. It brought us closer together. Life can be funny like that. Takes with the one hand and gives with the other.

It’s why I’ve never been more honoured than when she asked me to read the Father of the Bride speech at her wedding (our grandad who was due to give her away, sadly died the year before she got married and while our nan gave her away, she wasn’t confident enough to do the speech). And while I doubt I’ve ever told her this in person, I’m so exceptionally proud of my sister and how she’s dealt with her own rollercoaster life. Of how she coped with two premature and very poorly babies. Of how she manages and lives with her Crohn’s disease. Even when she was admitted to hospital twice in 2020 due to it (once needing surgery), she still made sure she rang me every day to check in on me (I could probably count on two hands the days she hasn’t rung me since Mr C was admitted to ITU). She has been my rock. She has picked me up off the floor both literally and metaphorically. She was the one to drive over when my daughter rang her after we’d had a heck of a row due to the stress of putting the Christmas decorations up without Mr C for the first time (that day was a literal pick up off the floor). She has done so very much for me over the last 16 months, I will never, ever be able to thank her enough.

Or so I thought. But actually in writing this, I’ve realised that while Life is a rollercoaster is perfect for me and very much represents my life, calling it this also gave me the perfect way to give a nod, to say thank you and acknowledge the role my sister has, and continues to play in my life. Because as much as I mock her, all the Boyzone memories we’ve created are so important to me and will always, always make me smile. Because when you’re on a rollercoaster in the way that I am, you need someone pretty amazing to be on it with you. And I can think of no-one I’d rather have on it with me than her. Because no matter what happens in the rest of my life, I do genuinely feel one thing is for certain. Life is a rollercoaster. Just gotta ride it…

The art of being social

Since 3 July, I’ve posted five times on Instagram. I’ve posted 12 tweets. For someone who usually posts a daily #BeThankful on both platforms and actively uses them, this is unusual behaviour. But taking this step back is absolutely something I’ve needed to do. I’ve needed to take some time out from the world. To take stock. To look after me. To have some very much needed R&R. This was what I shared with the world on Wednesday when I decided I was going to start dabbling on social media again. With a picture of a quote from one of our favourite John Mayer songs “I’m in repair. I’m not together but I’m getting there…”

Because I am getting there. And as I reflect on the past month, I can honestly say that I have missed being “social.” Not to begin with, because social media can be a double edged sword. As much as I like it, seeing people celebrating wedding anniversaries, moving house, having fun in couples, going on holiday or photos of dads with their children can at times just be too painful. It’s a reminder of what I’ve lost. But over the last week or so I’ve found myself wanting to start using these platforms again. Partly because I consider myself to now be in repair with a brain somewhat functioning again (rather than being at rock bottom) but also because it’s become a part of who I am. I know social media is an intensely personal preference. Some people love it, some hate it and some are in between. And don’t get me wrong. As much I as enjoy using it, I don’t profess to be a social media influencer (mainly because I don’t even know what that means!) but I do like and value the platform social media gives me (even if at times Instagram confuses me!)

It’s why I made a very conscious decision to use social media as a way of telling our story when Mr C fell ill last year. It would have been easy to hide away and not use it, but that’s just not who I am. I firmly believe social media isn’t just about the positives. Life isn’t cupcakes and rainbows all the time so why should your social media feeds be this way? But more than that. When Mr C fell ill, we were right at the start of the first lockdown. There were no such things as support bubbles or childcare bubbles. The only support I was able to get was via phone calls, via messages, via Zoom calls or via social media. The wealth of love and support I got was overwhelming. I’ll forever be grateful for it. One of my colleagues and friends sent me a Twitter DM and asked how I was on a particularly bad day. I answered honestly how I was feeling, and she then promised to check in on me every single day. She did. It meant a lot. And despite the physical loneliness and pain of what I was going through, I can remember thinking at the time how fortunate I was that all this was happening to me at a time when technology made that contact that much easier. I knew that via any number of platforms, there would always, always be someone I could reach out to if I needed to. And just type what I was thinking. It was invaluable. Why? Because when your world is falling apart and you don’t know which way is up, actually speaking to people can be so, so hard. I lost count of the phone calls I had when people would ask how I was, and I’d not be able to answer or would just simply cry on them. I was always so very mindful of how hard that must have been for those at the other end of the phone. Unable to do anything but merely try and offer small words of comfort to a woman whose entire life had been torn apart.

Yet despite this decision, there has been so much over the last 16 months that I haven’t shared. Because so much is incredibly personal to me and my family. What you see on any of my platforms is the snapshot of my life that I am comfortable to share. There is so very much more to me than this but I actually feel it would be quite dull if I shared everything, because in all honesty, I’m just a 40 year-old trying to get by and I really don’t do very much. If I was to post every time I have a wobble or a cry or a bad day or even just something I consider a small win, it really would get quite monotonous. But the people who know me, know that despite whatever I choose to share on social media, these everyday occurrences, falling apart and good moments are still happening. But I also don’t post about them all because I don’t necessarily want to be reminded of them in years to come via Facebook Memories or Timehop. I’m regularly sideswiped when memories of family activities or time with Mr C crop up, I don’t need to be reminded in years to come of how ridiculously difficult and heartbreaking my life has been since 22 March 2020. Because without a shadow of a doubt these feelings and memories will stay with me for as long as I live. Instead, I want to be reminded of the new memories my daughter and I are creating. What we’re doing to honour Mr C. Things that are making me smile. Yet, unwittingly, to the outside world this seems to create a parallel reality. A few months ago, I had someone tell me via a Facebook post that I am “always so happy.” Seven months after my husband died. At that point I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d have used the phrase “so happy” and so quickly refuted that statement on the post. I’ll openly acknowledge that I share aspects of what we’re doing, and that I am having to continue living my life. For me. For my daughter. But the phrase that was used to describe this started to make me think about the perception social media inadvertently creates vs. reality.

As I’ve said, I’ve been incredibly lucky with the support I’ve had via social media. But for me what is interesting is the different approach people have to what they say on social media vs. their everyday actions. I’ve had people comment that they will “always be there for me” but then not return phone calls or acknowledge messages I send. Forgive me if I’m missing something, but if you’re telling the social media world that you’ll always be there for me but aren’t in the real world isn’t that a bit of a disconnect? Now don’t get me wrong, I know only too well how much of a juggle life can be trying to fit everything in and stay in touch, but little things like this get me thinking.

I’ve had people de-friend me since Mr C died. I’ve had people delete posts they’ve made where I’ve offered a different perspective to their viewpoint. I struggle to understand why. Isn’t the clue in the title? Social media? Isn’t the whole point of it to be able to share different views, have conversations and generally be social? Again, I don’t profess to know the exact reason that I’ve been de-friended or why posts have been deleted, but from my point of view if you can’t offer a different perspective when people make posts, then I’m not sure it’s worth it. It’s like in any other social setting. I can spend evenings with friends, family or colleagues and we can have discussions. Not everyone will think the same, not everyone will agree and there will always be different viewpoints, but the difference is you can’t just delete something you’ve said in person and try to pretend it never existed. Why should social media be any different to the real world? I love a good debate, I don’t expect everyone to have the same opinion as me and in fact I’d hate it if we suddenly all had to agree and be the same. That would make the world an incredibly dull place in my view!

But, what makes me most sad, is that on more than one occasion this year I’ve used the phrase that my daughter “is for life, not just for social media.” She’s only 11 and, despite her constant badgering for TikTok, I don’t yet allow her to be on any social media platform. Mainly because, in my opinion, she doesn’t have the emotional maturity for it. She’s a child. She’s trusting. She takes people at face value. She believes people when they say they’re going to do something. So, if she had seen half of the comments I’ve had on the various posts I’ve made over the last 16 months, she’d have had far greater expectations of people. And right now, she’d be feeling incredibly let down. Because it’s very easy to put a comment or a like on a post I make but the reality is that she doesn’t see these and needs real-life support. And while I’ll always be so very grateful for all the virtual support I’ve had, and will continue to receive, over the past few months I’ve realised that I’ve also needed that real-life support more than ever. And I’d underestimated just how much until Mr C’s Memorial Service last month.

It will probably come as no surprise to those who know me or who are familiar with grief and bereavement that this Memorial Service is what ultimately led me to withdraw from social media for a while. Quite simply there was too much in my brain in the lead up to it, and in the immediate aftermath to even begin to think about posting content. But over the last month or so since I’ve taken a step back, I’ve also realised how much of a part of my everyday life social media has become. How it can actually be used for good and have a great impact. When your friend has a baby but because of all the various lockdowns you can’t physically visit them, you can still see news about them and watch them grow (we’ve finally be able to meet the baby who is now 13 months old and every bit as gorgeous as social media would have you believe). When you post a blog and a stranger takes the time to send you a message to say “I don’t know if you need to hear this, but I wanted to let you know you’ve helped a stranger today.” When you feel like the only person in the world to have a problem and post on the private Widowed and Young group and receive a ton of encouragement and support to reassure you that you’re not alone. When someone from the other side of the world messages you because she’s heard your podcast, noticed the similarities of your stories and subsequently becomes a friend you can turn to. I could go on. But ultimately social media has, and I’ve no doubt will, continue to have a positive influence on my life.

So, as I continue my repair of me and head back to work tomorrow, I know that my social media usage will be increasing again. Because I’ve missed my work Twitter family. I’ve missed the banter with all the Jason fans (although admittedly this has been on the increase over the past few days). I’ve missed doing a daily #BeThankful. I’ve missed engaging with people that I’d never normally come into contact with. But if I’ve learnt anything during my time away, it’s that as the world starts to open up again there is absolutely a place in my life for both social media and the real world. I don’t want to withdraw and hide away from the real world because it’s easier to hide behind words and pictures. I need physical and real-life contact. I value social media interaction more than I can really articulate and wouldn’t change it for the world, but I will always, always need the phone calls, the messages, the chats and catch ups. But most importantly. The hugs. I know that as I work through this current phase of my grief, I’m going to need a lot of hugs and hand holding. And you simply can’t get that through watching the likes and comments increase on a social media post.