Author: Emma Charlesworth

My world turned upside down in April 2020 when my husband of 14 years died of COVID-19. I was widowed at the age of 39 and am navigating life as a solo parent while trying to rediscover who I am. While this blog is about me, my journey and my learnings since starting on this new journey, it's also about my life so far. My very own rollercoaster. In November 2025, I published a book telling our story: Is Daddy Going to Be OK?

There will always be light no matter how dark this life can get

Twenty years ago today Mr C got the all-clear from his testicular cancer. Yes, that’s right, 11 September 2001. The day the world changed forever. And with it being 20 years, I’ve spent a lot of the day reflecting on the eight months that also changed his life forever. This is really his story to tell, but he can’t do that anymore. So, I’m going to tell the story of one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. I think he’d want me to.

It was February 2001 when things really got bad for Mr C. He’d been going back to his GP on and off for around 18 months ahead of this with various symptoms. At each point he was reassured that there was nothing to worry about. He never got a second opinion or pushed for one. So, in February 2001 when he was in so much pain and could barely walk because of how swollen his testicle had become, his GP finally sent him for tests. Within three days he was being operated on to remove his testicle. I remember vividly going to see him after this operation and thinking how well he looked. He looked well because he was no longer in pain. Little did we know just how ill he actually was, and what would happen within a matter of weeks.

Three weeks later we learnt that the cancer that had started out in his testicle had spread. He had three additional tumours and would face intense chemotherapy and potentially more surgery. He was just 26 years old and there was no guarantee he would make it. The staff at St. Barts hospital in London were simply brilliant with their support and the speed at which they moved to get his treatment started. Over the next couple of weeks, he had to make sperm deposits in case the chemotherapy left him infertile and then on 30 March 2001 (my 20th birthday) he started chemotherapy. He would go in every Thursday, have a cannula in each arm with the drugs in and be in hospital until the Sunday. He’d then have three weeks off before doing this all over again. It was intense. He lost his hair. The steroids he was on made him put on weight. He was exhausted. But he always, always wanted to fight.

Until one day in June. It had all got too much for him. He encouraged me to walk away from him and live my life. He was worried that I hadn’t signed up for this and it wasn’t fair on me. For anyone who read my blog “Being Mrs C” you’ll know that I didn’t walk away at this point. But it was hard to watch him lose his fight. Gradually he got it back, he felt had his whole life ahead of him. He wanted a future. So, he kept fighting. And then in August 2001 we learnt that while the tumours had shrunk, he would need that further surgery. Because of where one of the tumours was, there was a chance that to remove it would result in him losing a leg. He still signed that consent authorisation. To him, having a future without a leg was better than no future at all.

The day of his operation, his dad and I went to London. Delays on the train meant that we didn’t get to see him before he went to the operating theatre. This pained me beyond all belief. So, we just had to wait. We went for breakfast; we went for a walk via St. Paul’s Cathedral (it seems ironic now that the Remember Me project for those lost to COVID-19 will be in St. Paul’s). I can’t tell you what else we did but I do know that I’ll always be grateful his dad was with me that day. When we eventually made our way back to St. Bart’s we thought we’d be seeing him shortly. It was still some hours to go. His surgery was taking longer than anticipated. I think it was just under nine hours until he made it back onto the ward. One of the first things he did when we saw him was lift the sheet to check on his legs. His sense of humour even on such a day was there to see. A few hours later the consultant told us that everything had been removed. All was looking positive, but we’d still need to wait a few weeks to be sure. He was in hospital for a week after this surgery. He’d essentially been cut in half and it was going to take time to recover. He had a lot to endure, obviously helped when on one visit I tripped over his catheter… It’s a miracle he stayed with me after this!

And then on 11 September 2001, he got the news he’d been waiting for. He was clear of cancer. We spent the morning at St. Bart’s and then met his dad at a pub in Westminster to celebrate. We then got on the tube. It was rammed. We weren’t sure why, it seemed most odd. As we pulled out of London, we overheard a guy on the train talking on his phone about World War III breaking out. We didn’t have a clue what had happened. This was before smartphones and all we could do was wonder.

I remember us getting home, switching on the TV, and finding out about the unbelievable events in the USA. The euphoria from the morning left us. So much loss and devastation was happening overseas, it was quite hard to be jubilant. We just sat there for hours watching the news in disbelief. It was like something from a disaster movie, this couldn’t be real life surely? Except it was. And it made the day of his all-clear memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Over the next few months, he tried to find a job (he’d just started one when he was diagnosed and unfortunately couldn’t stay). He really struggled to even get interviews because of the gap on his CV. It turned out that all-clear was fast becoming an anti-climax. Life wasn’t all cupcakes and roses because of it. I started to see the change in him too. He was far less tolerant of things. His temper was shorter. This experience changed him. Yes, there were so many elements of the old Charlie there, but you don’t go through what he did, staring death in the face and expect to still be the same person afterwards. You reassess your life. You reassess the people in it and how they treat you. You have new expectations. I’m not saying this happens to everyone that goes through an experience like this, but it certainly happened to him. And I can see it happening to me too now that I’ve been widowed. I haven’t personally stared death in the face, but death has affected my life in a way I’m still trying to comprehend.

But this experience also made him appreciate life more. He lived for the moment. He realised life is fragile and made it his mission to just enjoy it. He was told on more than one occasion that he should lose weight, but his philosophy was that he liked food and he wanted to enjoy his life. Not live governed by other factors. He was the life and soul of the party. He treated everyone equally. He wanted to make sure that everyone enjoyed spending time with him. But above all else, he became fiercely loyal to all his friends and family. For the people who had been there for him. The people who visited him in hospital. Who took him unbelievably noisy toys! But in all seriousness, those people who were there for him then are now there for me. He was blown away by the support in 2001, he’d be blown away by the support for me now. I just know it.

And as the years went by, he’d remember this day. Usually with the phrase “B*ll*cks to cancer.” But he never forgot the significance of his all-clear date. He would make reference to the tragic events that had happened as well as the milestones he was reaching in Facebook posts. I’ve been reminding myself of them today, it makes me feel closer to him. And one stopped me in my tracks. It ended with this paragraph “So please, while we must remember this date, the horror of what happened in New York and share our support with the families of all those who were lost, some still have a reason to celebrate this date, people were saved, children were born and illnesses were beaten. There will always be light no matter how dark this life can get.” He knew this first-hand. His life had been dark but in typical Mr C fashion he always looked for the light, he knew it was there. And since his death, he’d be so honoured that his Testicular Cancer experience is raising awareness and hopefully giving light to others via raising funds for charity. When the funeral directors asked me the name of a charity for people to donate to after his death, I chose The Oddballs Foundation. So many of our friends, family and colleagues now get their underwear from Oddballs, over the weekend one of his school friends completed her first triathlon and the little boy who was ring bearer at a wedding (he’s not so little any more!) will be running Scarfell Pike. Because of the significance of the date, they also chose to raise money for The Oddballs Foundation in his memory. He’d be so honoured.

But above all else, I know without question that this philosophy he strongly felt about finding light after darkness, the strength he displayed when living with his cancer and the character he showed after he was given the all-clear is something that has stayed with me to this day. I can’t, and won’t, let the darkness beat me. The strongest man in the world taught me that. I will always continue to look for the light. And I will do it because of, and for him.   

Being Mrs C

Today marks 16 years since I officially became a Charlesworth. Since I officially became Mrs C. But I won’t be celebrating with my husband tonight. Because today also marks the second wedding anniversary I’ll have spent as a widow. I don’t know how this is possible. Time seems to be going incredibly fast since Mr C died. It’s hard to believe in just over a month he’ll have been dead for 18 months. I’ll have been without him for the first time in my adult life for 18 months. I’ll be at the two-year mark before I know it.

But my wedding anniversary also gives me the opportunity to look back on my marriage and my time as Mrs C. Many people have said how much love comes through my writing and my other blogs, and while this is true, I don’t want to give the false impression that our relationship and marriage was plain sailing. Put simply, it wasn’t. Friends will tell you how they could always tell if Mr C and I had been arguing in advance of going out or seeing them. Tense. Frosty. Just some of the terms used to describe us! But this was who we were. It was par for the course. Because while our relationship may not have been perfect, it was real. We took the good with the bad. The rough with the smooth. Because we’d got used to life being like this. We’d gone through a hell of a lot before we even got married.

You see, Mr C’s first chemotherapy session was on my 20th birthday. Just shy of our second anniversary of being a couple (what can I say? I’d needed a date for my 18th birthday party!) I was ill equipped to deal with this. I didn’t really know how to cope with having a boyfriend who had been diagnosed with cancer, because I didn’t really know myself then and how to ask for help. It’s why 15 months after he got the all clear, we split up. It sounds like the biggest cliché in the world but during my time as Charlie’s girlfriend and his illness, I’d lost who I was, I felt like I needed to find me again. Little did I know that this loss of identity would come back again almost 20 years later after his death. I think this is a whole other blog in itself. Trying to maintain your identity after being widowed is, in my opinion, one of the hardest things in the world.

But back to our story. At the end of 2002, we split up. It was my decision. It hurt him. I ended up hurting him even more during our time apart. I didn’t mean to or even want to; I was just trying to find Emma again. And ultimately my actions resulted in us getting back together and giving it another try. Why? Because we realised we wanted to be together and needed to work through things as a couple, not as two individuals.

Fast forward a year and he proposed. It wasn’t a fancy proposal, but it was everything I’d wanted from one. And when I said yes, he told me that he had a date in mind. 10 September 2005. Yes, that’s right. There was no Bridezilla here, Mr C chose our wedding date. Three years earlier when he’d received the all clear, he did so on 11 September. The 11 September. The day the world changed forever. But for him, it was the day he felt he got his life back. And so, when he was thinking about proposing he thought about dates. He wanted our first day of waking up as Mr and Mrs Charlesworth to be on the anniversary of the day he got his life back. So, it was set. 10 September 2005 was our wedding day. I never imagined that when we uttered the words “Til death do us part” this would happen just over 14 years later.

And while I’d love for our wedding to have been the happy ever after and start of a blissful life that you hear some people talk about, it wasn’t. We had to work hard at our marriage. Having two stubborn people in a relationship, both of whom must always be right is going to lead to clashes! There were times we both came incredibly close to giving up. I think our daughter was three or four years old when he packed his bags and almost left. When I was particularly struggling with my mental health, I almost walked out. But we always worked through it. We were good at that. Working through our problems. We had plenty to contend with which put a strain on our marriage from both sides, but we worked through it. Because we were Mr and Mrs C. We were a partnership.

I look back now at what it was like being Mrs C. I felt secure. I felt settled. I was part of a team. I was independent but always knew there was someone there who had my back. I was loved unconditionally. I mean, on occasion there was tough love, but it was always done to get the best out of me. I was part of a parenting partnership. Mr C would do the drop off of our daughter in the mornings, I would be there to do pick-up in the evening, either on my own or with him. I didn’t cook, I did the washing and ironing. I would come up with elaborate ideas of how to decorate cakes and cookies involving edible eyes for Easter, Fireworks and Christmas parties, he would be the one to research how we could do them. I would watch him capture special moments by taking the photos, I rarely held a camera. I’d give him cards to write because I always said he had a better way with words than me. I didn’t do the food shopping alone; we would always do it together while our daughter was at dance lessons. It took me over a year after he fell ill to walk back into a supermarket for the first time. I couldn’t bear the thought of doing it on my own. And the first time I did walk in one I cried, much to the embarrassment of our daughter! There’s so much more to my life as Mrs C, but it feels a lifetime ago. And while part of me will always be her, I know deep down inside that she doesn’t really exist anymore. She can’t. Not without Mr C.

Life is hard without him in it. Both of my bereavement counsellors have asked me what I miss most about him. The answer is simple: him. I just miss him. There isn’t one thing I can single out. I miss all of the above. I miss his laugh. I miss his voice. I miss watching him be a father. I miss his sarcasm. I miss him rolling his eyes. I miss him telling me about the latest board game on KickStarter. I miss being part of Family Charlesworth. I miss his advice. I miss him being my thought of reason. I miss his company. I miss him being here. Ricky Gervais summed it up perfectly in After Life (please don’t watch this if you’re easily offended!) when he said “I don’t miss doing things with Lisa, I miss doing nothing with Lisa. Just sitting there knowing she was there.” And it’s exactly that. Because that’s the crux of a relationship and marriage. During the good times and the bad, you know that there is someone there for you. Always. 16 years ago I thought I’d have a lifetime of having that person. I miss him every single day, but days like today hurt that little bit more. Because while I’m so grateful for the time we did have, it somehow feels ridiculously short. And all the petty arguments and stubbornness now feel like a complete waste of time.

Because without question, what saddens me most about his death is that we’ve lost our future together. When he died, our relationship was the strongest it had ever been. We really were in a good place. I remember going to one of his gigs a year or so before he fell ill and watching him sing the Feeder song “Buck Rogers.” There are two lines in the chorus “I think we’re gonna make it. I think we’re gonna save it.” I can remember looking at him with pride and feeling these lyrics were about us and our relationship. I never told him that. But I just felt that despite everything we’d been through that we really were going to make it. We were going to be ok. Life had thrown a lot at us, but we’d got through it all. We’d survived it. And I guess in a funny sort of way we did make it. Neither one of us gave up on our marriage. We kept going.

‘Til death did us part.

Just gotta ride it…

One of the reasons it took me so long to launch a blog was because I just couldn’t think what to call it. People had been telling me for months to write one, but I just wasn’t confident enough that a) I’d have anything to say and b) what a fitting name would be for it. It was a real struggle. For someone who works in marketing, I was proving pretty useless at being able to market myself. I kept going round in circles. I didn’t want it to solely focus on my new life as a widow. I wanted it to represent my entire life. To tell my story. To be something that was important to me. Lovely people kindly gave up their time to help me brainstorm ideas. But something just wasn’t clicking. Even when I thought I’d landed on the name; I was still debating internally. I just couldn’t put my finger on what I wanted it to be.

And then my sister suggested “Life is a rollercoaster.” I immediately shut her down. I told her to stop trying to shoehorn Ronan Keating and Boyzone into my blog. You see, she’s every bit as much of a fan of Boyzone as I am of Jason Donovan. There’s been trips to stage doors to meet Stephen Gately (once actually when I was also waiting for Jason when they were in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang) and there’s been many, many tours. In fact, 2019 will forever go down in history as the year of Boyzone because, somehow, she managed to persuade me to see them five times over the course of their farewell tours, one of which included a meet and greet with the band. I’ve never seen her quite as lost for words as she was that day!

But the more I thought about it, the more “Life is a rollercoaster” just felt perfect. I looked back at previous posts I’d made and realised just how much I’d already been using this statement. It was there in my Facebook profile. My second ever Instagram post was of my lightbox which I’d updated to say this (posted during the year of Boyzone!) My final Instagram post of 2019 was a picture of a rollercoaster and ended with the paragraph “As we head into 2020, there’s a lot of variables for Family Charlesworth and who knows where we’ll be this time next year. But whatever happens, we’ll get through it. For in the words of a song I’ve heard once or twice this year… Life is a rollercoaster. Just gotta ride it.” And somewhat fittingly, since I decided to launch the blog and go with this title, my sister has discovered that the original release date for Life is a Rollercoaster by Ronan Keating was 10 July. Mr C’s birthday. I got goosebumps when she told me. Yet another link to us. To me.

Because when I look back across my entire life, as cliché as it sounds, it certainly has been a rollercoaster. It’s why I’ve always been known to use and say it. When friends and family saw the title, they commented on how right it was. Because it’s not just 2020 and the impact of becoming a widow and grief which has been a rollercoaster. I’ve experienced so many highs in my life. But I’ve also experienced so many lows. All of which have made me the person I am today.

It’s odd that when I look back at 2019 and what was to become my final “normal” year, there were so many twists and turns, it’s almost like it was a prequel for what was come to in 2020. I think back to the very first Boyzone gig of the year at Butlins in Minehead in January. Four of us made the trip, there was laughter, there was fun, there was excitement. But most importantly of all, there was Ronan’s hat! To this day, I don’t know how I managed it, but when he threw his hat into the audience, I managed to catch it (if anyone reading this has video evidence of this, I’d be very interested to see it!) The euphoria on my sister’s face was something else. The photo of her at the moment when she put it on her head quickly became my favourite ever picture of her. We had a fab weekend. But the day after we came home, our family was thrown into disarray with regards to care for my nan. Within 24 hours we’d gone from a high to a low. The 2019 rollercoaster was underway. When I was writing this post, I started writing more about that rollercoaster year. But a friend who read a draft version observed that it made it feel quite long and went on a slight tangent. As I took the paragraphs out, I realised she was right. Instead, one day I’ll write one just on the story of 2019 because it’s absolutely one that needs telling and an integral part of my life.

But as this post is telling the story of how the blog came to be named, while writing it I decided to listen to Boyzone (don’t tell my sister). And while Life is a rollercoaster could be perceived as a cliché, I’ll forever be grateful to my sister for her spark of genius on this. Because as I reflect, it’s true for so many aspects of my life. Even my relationship with my sister has been its own little rollercoaster. We’ve not always been as close as we are today. She’s four and a half years younger than me, so for many years was actually a bit of an irritant! Our lives took us in different directions. We’d speak, but not really that often. There was never any bad feeling, we just weren’t as close as some siblings might be. But after our nan’s diagnosis with Alzheimer’s, there was a definite change. It brought us closer together. Life can be funny like that. Takes with the one hand and gives with the other.

It’s why I’ve never been more honoured than when she asked me to read the Father of the Bride speech at her wedding (our grandad who was due to give her away, sadly died the year before she got married and while our nan gave her away, she wasn’t confident enough to do the speech). And while I doubt I’ve ever told her this in person, I’m so exceptionally proud of my sister and how she’s dealt with her own rollercoaster life. Of how she coped with two premature and very poorly babies. Of how she manages and lives with her Crohn’s disease. Even when she was admitted to hospital twice in 2020 due to it (once needing surgery), she still made sure she rang me every day to check in on me (I could probably count on two hands the days she hasn’t rung me since Mr C was admitted to ITU). She has been my rock. She has picked me up off the floor both literally and metaphorically. She was the one to drive over when my daughter rang her after we’d had a heck of a row due to the stress of putting the Christmas decorations up without Mr C for the first time (that day was a literal pick up off the floor). She has done so very much for me over the last 16 months, I will never, ever be able to thank her enough.

Or so I thought. But actually in writing this, I’ve realised that while Life is a rollercoaster is perfect for me and very much represents my life, calling it this also gave me the perfect way to give a nod, to say thank you and acknowledge the role my sister has, and continues to play in my life. Because as much as I mock her, all the Boyzone memories we’ve created are so important to me and will always, always make me smile. Because when you’re on a rollercoaster in the way that I am, you need someone pretty amazing to be on it with you. And I can think of no-one I’d rather have on it with me than her. Because no matter what happens in the rest of my life, I do genuinely feel one thing is for certain. Life is a rollercoaster. Just gotta ride it…

The art of being social

Since 3 July, I’ve posted five times on Instagram. I’ve posted 12 tweets. For someone who usually posts a daily #BeThankful on both platforms and actively uses them, this is unusual behaviour. But taking this step back is absolutely something I’ve needed to do. I’ve needed to take some time out from the world. To take stock. To look after me. To have some very much needed R&R. This was what I shared with the world on Wednesday when I decided I was going to start dabbling on social media again. With a picture of a quote from one of our favourite John Mayer songs “I’m in repair. I’m not together but I’m getting there…”

Because I am getting there. And as I reflect on the past month, I can honestly say that I have missed being “social.” Not to begin with, because social media can be a double edged sword. As much as I like it, seeing people celebrating wedding anniversaries, moving house, having fun in couples, going on holiday or photos of dads with their children can at times just be too painful. It’s a reminder of what I’ve lost. But over the last week or so I’ve found myself wanting to start using these platforms again. Partly because I consider myself to now be in repair with a brain somewhat functioning again (rather than being at rock bottom) but also because it’s become a part of who I am. I know social media is an intensely personal preference. Some people love it, some hate it and some are in between. And don’t get me wrong. As much I as enjoy using it, I don’t profess to be a social media influencer (mainly because I don’t even know what that means!) but I do like and value the platform social media gives me (even if at times Instagram confuses me!)

It’s why I made a very conscious decision to use social media as a way of telling our story when Mr C fell ill last year. It would have been easy to hide away and not use it, but that’s just not who I am. I firmly believe social media isn’t just about the positives. Life isn’t cupcakes and rainbows all the time so why should your social media feeds be this way? But more than that. When Mr C fell ill, we were right at the start of the first lockdown. There were no such things as support bubbles or childcare bubbles. The only support I was able to get was via phone calls, via messages, via Zoom calls or via social media. The wealth of love and support I got was overwhelming. I’ll forever be grateful for it. One of my colleagues and friends sent me a Twitter DM and asked how I was on a particularly bad day. I answered honestly how I was feeling, and she then promised to check in on me every single day. She did. It meant a lot. And despite the physical loneliness and pain of what I was going through, I can remember thinking at the time how fortunate I was that all this was happening to me at a time when technology made that contact that much easier. I knew that via any number of platforms, there would always, always be someone I could reach out to if I needed to. And just type what I was thinking. It was invaluable. Why? Because when your world is falling apart and you don’t know which way is up, actually speaking to people can be so, so hard. I lost count of the phone calls I had when people would ask how I was, and I’d not be able to answer or would just simply cry on them. I was always so very mindful of how hard that must have been for those at the other end of the phone. Unable to do anything but merely try and offer small words of comfort to a woman whose entire life had been torn apart.

Yet despite this decision, there has been so much over the last 16 months that I haven’t shared. Because so much is incredibly personal to me and my family. What you see on any of my platforms is the snapshot of my life that I am comfortable to share. There is so very much more to me than this but I actually feel it would be quite dull if I shared everything, because in all honesty, I’m just a 40 year-old trying to get by and I really don’t do very much. If I was to post every time I have a wobble or a cry or a bad day or even just something I consider a small win, it really would get quite monotonous. But the people who know me, know that despite whatever I choose to share on social media, these everyday occurrences, falling apart and good moments are still happening. But I also don’t post about them all because I don’t necessarily want to be reminded of them in years to come via Facebook Memories or Timehop. I’m regularly sideswiped when memories of family activities or time with Mr C crop up, I don’t need to be reminded in years to come of how ridiculously difficult and heartbreaking my life has been since 22 March 2020. Because without a shadow of a doubt these feelings and memories will stay with me for as long as I live. Instead, I want to be reminded of the new memories my daughter and I are creating. What we’re doing to honour Mr C. Things that are making me smile. Yet, unwittingly, to the outside world this seems to create a parallel reality. A few months ago, I had someone tell me via a Facebook post that I am “always so happy.” Seven months after my husband died. At that point I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d have used the phrase “so happy” and so quickly refuted that statement on the post. I’ll openly acknowledge that I share aspects of what we’re doing, and that I am having to continue living my life. For me. For my daughter. But the phrase that was used to describe this started to make me think about the perception social media inadvertently creates vs. reality.

As I’ve said, I’ve been incredibly lucky with the support I’ve had via social media. But for me what is interesting is the different approach people have to what they say on social media vs. their everyday actions. I’ve had people comment that they will “always be there for me” but then not return phone calls or acknowledge messages I send. Forgive me if I’m missing something, but if you’re telling the social media world that you’ll always be there for me but aren’t in the real world isn’t that a bit of a disconnect? Now don’t get me wrong, I know only too well how much of a juggle life can be trying to fit everything in and stay in touch, but little things like this get me thinking.

I’ve had people de-friend me since Mr C died. I’ve had people delete posts they’ve made where I’ve offered a different perspective to their viewpoint. I struggle to understand why. Isn’t the clue in the title? Social media? Isn’t the whole point of it to be able to share different views, have conversations and generally be social? Again, I don’t profess to know the exact reason that I’ve been de-friended or why posts have been deleted, but from my point of view if you can’t offer a different perspective when people make posts, then I’m not sure it’s worth it. It’s like in any other social setting. I can spend evenings with friends, family or colleagues and we can have discussions. Not everyone will think the same, not everyone will agree and there will always be different viewpoints, but the difference is you can’t just delete something you’ve said in person and try to pretend it never existed. Why should social media be any different to the real world? I love a good debate, I don’t expect everyone to have the same opinion as me and in fact I’d hate it if we suddenly all had to agree and be the same. That would make the world an incredibly dull place in my view!

But, what makes me most sad, is that on more than one occasion this year I’ve used the phrase that my daughter “is for life, not just for social media.” She’s only 11 and, despite her constant badgering for TikTok, I don’t yet allow her to be on any social media platform. Mainly because, in my opinion, she doesn’t have the emotional maturity for it. She’s a child. She’s trusting. She takes people at face value. She believes people when they say they’re going to do something. So, if she had seen half of the comments I’ve had on the various posts I’ve made over the last 16 months, she’d have had far greater expectations of people. And right now, she’d be feeling incredibly let down. Because it’s very easy to put a comment or a like on a post I make but the reality is that she doesn’t see these and needs real-life support. And while I’ll always be so very grateful for all the virtual support I’ve had, and will continue to receive, over the past few months I’ve realised that I’ve also needed that real-life support more than ever. And I’d underestimated just how much until Mr C’s Memorial Service last month.

It will probably come as no surprise to those who know me or who are familiar with grief and bereavement that this Memorial Service is what ultimately led me to withdraw from social media for a while. Quite simply there was too much in my brain in the lead up to it, and in the immediate aftermath to even begin to think about posting content. But over the last month or so since I’ve taken a step back, I’ve also realised how much of a part of my everyday life social media has become. How it can actually be used for good and have a great impact. When your friend has a baby but because of all the various lockdowns you can’t physically visit them, you can still see news about them and watch them grow (we’ve finally be able to meet the baby who is now 13 months old and every bit as gorgeous as social media would have you believe). When you post a blog and a stranger takes the time to send you a message to say “I don’t know if you need to hear this, but I wanted to let you know you’ve helped a stranger today.” When you feel like the only person in the world to have a problem and post on the private Widowed and Young group and receive a ton of encouragement and support to reassure you that you’re not alone. When someone from the other side of the world messages you because she’s heard your podcast, noticed the similarities of your stories and subsequently becomes a friend you can turn to. I could go on. But ultimately social media has, and I’ve no doubt will, continue to have a positive influence on my life.

So, as I continue my repair of me and head back to work tomorrow, I know that my social media usage will be increasing again. Because I’ve missed my work Twitter family. I’ve missed the banter with all the Jason fans (although admittedly this has been on the increase over the past few days). I’ve missed doing a daily #BeThankful. I’ve missed engaging with people that I’d never normally come into contact with. But if I’ve learnt anything during my time away, it’s that as the world starts to open up again there is absolutely a place in my life for both social media and the real world. I don’t want to withdraw and hide away from the real world because it’s easier to hide behind words and pictures. I need physical and real-life contact. I value social media interaction more than I can really articulate and wouldn’t change it for the world, but I will always, always need the phone calls, the messages, the chats and catch ups. But most importantly. The hugs. I know that as I work through this current phase of my grief, I’m going to need a lot of hugs and hand holding. And you simply can’t get that through watching the likes and comments increase on a social media post.

A letter to my 15-year-old self

I’m writing this to you today because I really wish someone had been able to tell me this 25 years ago. To reassure me that everything was going to be ok. To let me know that I would survive everything that life had to throw at me. Many people are looking back at 1996 right now, each one of them with their own reasons for doing so. But for you, 1996 is going to be the start of your life changing. It’s important you understand just how important this year is going to be.

So. Quite simply, 1996 is going to be a pivotal year for you. It’s going to be one you’ll remember for many reasons and for many years to come. Not least of which will be Euro 96 and the heartache that will come from a missed penalty. Don’t worry though, you’ve only got to wait another 25 years for a tournament like it. Although, spoiler alert. There’s going to be penalties involved again.

I must admit I’m going to start shallow with my words of advice. Right now, you’ve still got long hair, yet within a couple of years you’re going to cut this off. I know, I know, you’re laughing at this prospect. But you will, you’ll spend most of your adult life with short hair and whenever it grows, you won’t feel like you. Go with it, dye your hair, try different styles but always go back to short hair. It looks good on you.

And now for the serious stuff. Over the course of this year, you’re going to fall in love for the first time. It’ll feel like the best thing in the world. He’ll make you feel like the most special person in the world. However. You’re also going to have your heart broken for the first time too. This is something that you’re going to have go through, it’s almost like a rite of passage. All I can say is that it will hurt like hell. You’re going to shed a bucketload of tears. It’s going to leave you taking a sharp intake of breath whenever you hear certain songs. Always. But you’ll reach a point where these songs will not only cause that intake of breath, but also make you smile. Why? Because you are going to get over this heartbreak. Honestly. It will become a part of your story. I won’t lie to you though. You’re going to hate him for a while, you’re going to want horrible things to happen to him, you’ll think you’re never going to recover and that you’re never going to love again but you really are. On more than one occasion. But do you know what? Don’t be too quick to judge him. Don’t waste your time on hate. Because as inconceivable as this is going to sound right now, that first boyfriend is going to turn out to be not all bad. Really. He’s going to end up becoming one of your closest friends. He’s going to be a rock for you after the death of your husband (we’ll come onto that bombshell in a bit). He’s going to be one of the key people holding you up. Crazy huh?!? But I promise you it’s true. You’re going to be incredibly lucky that he not only comes into your life in 1996, but that he stays a part of it.

But of far more significance to you, 1996 is going to be the year you’ll meet your future husband. Of course, you won’t know this at the time, but he really is going to come into your life in the summer. You’ll meet him standing by his blue fiesta outside Central Park, the home of Sittingbourne FC. You won’t give him a second thought. He won’t actually give you a second thought to be begin with. Over the course of the next few months and years when people ask you who he is, you’ll say “just Charlie.” 1996 is the year that he’ll move from Essex to Kent, a key factor in how and why he’ll start to appear in your life more and more. Don’t underestimate the role that he’s going to play. Cut him a bit of slack when he tries to woo you. Still play hard to get, because it’ll give you a story to tell, but just try to prepare yourself for the massive impact that man is going to have on your life.

I know you worry that you’re not the most popular girl at school. But it really, really doesn’t matter. Because you have such an amazing group of friends there and that counts for so, so much. Always treasure them. Over the next 25 years you’re going to need them in different ways and at different times. But always, always treasure them. They get you. Even when you don’t see them for a few years, when you get together it will feel like nothing has changed. And during the most difficult times of your life they’ll be there. Without fail. Without judgement. But more than this. You are going to go on to meet and make other wonderful and supportive friends. You’re going to meet and have so many fabulous people in your life. You’re going to be so loved. And while some friendships will drift apart, that’s only natural after all, the ones where there’s no demand or expectation from either side will be the ones that see you through. You’ll count your blessings that you have so many of them.

This year, you’re going to start looking ahead to your career and future as you start to consider your A-Level choices. Right now, you’re going to see yourself as a journalist. You’re going to apply to university to study journalism. But your A-Level results aren’t going to go the way you planned. You’re not going to get into your first-choice university. But you will still go. You will still persevere with the course for three months. But then one day, you’re going to realise it’s not right for you. You’re going to drop out. It’s one of the bravest things you’re ever going to do. Doing what’s right for you. You need to remember to do more of this. Putting you first and doing what’s right for you. Again, I’m not going to lie, you’re going to feel scared and nervous. You’re going to wonder what next, but it will all fall into place. You will go on to have a good career. It’s going to change over time, you’ll head down a secretarial route before switching to marketing but you’re going to be just fine. Of course, there will be instances during your career where’ll you have had enough. Where you’ll be beyond frustrated. Where you’ll query why you bother. Where you’ll want to quit. But just keep going. Things have a funny way of turning out for the best when you least expect it. Just remember that you’re the one in control. You’re the one that can change things. And don’t be afraid to. This is your life, nobody else can live it for you.

And throughout your career, there’ll be one constant. The people. Your colleagues. Who will become friends and confidantes. Who’ll offer support and a friendly ear. Who’ll be there with gin and fried food. Who’ll be there with doughnuts. Who’ll be there with “Smile Thursdays”. Who’ll be there with straight talking. Who’ll give you the tough love you need. And above all else, will help look after you in a way that you simply won’t think possible on the day you walk through the doors of 1 Embankment Place for the first time. You’re not going to, but I just want to tell you to never, ever take them for granted

Yet without fail, I wish I could prepare you for just how much heartache you’re going to go through. And to give you the knowledge that you will make it through all of it. That heartache is going to come in many forms. It will come when you must confront living with depression and anxiety. It will come when your boyfriend is diagnosed with cancer and you have no idea if he’s going to make it. It will come every month when you just can’t fall pregnant. It will come when close friends tell you that they’re pregnant again and you break down on them. It will come when you’re pregnant with your second child and have a missed miscarriage. That “what if” of that baby will never go away, but the pain of this and the other heartaches will ease with time.

Right. Take a deep breath before you read this next paragraph. Because, this is the one where I talk about you being widowed. Where I tell you that this will happen when you’re 39. Where I tell you that the greatest heartache you’ll have to face will come in 2020, when your husband of 14 years (that random guy you met in 1996) will die during a global pandemic. (Oh yes, incidentally during 2020 and 2021 you’re going to have to live through a global pandemic and your entire life will be turned upside down). The pain and heartache this will cause you will be nothing like you have ever, ever felt before. That broken heart in 1996? A mere paper cut compared to this. The grief is going to be unbearable at times. You are going to break. You are going to hit rock bottom. You are going to think you’re doing ok and then get side swiped and fall apart. But the one thing you absolutely need to remember is to ask for help. To admit that you can’t do this alone. To let the tears flow when they need to do. To be kind to yourself. To stop. To breathe. To acknowledge just how difficult this is. As I write this, I don’t know if you’re ever going to love or feel love like it again. But I do know that you’ll feel the love from your husband for a very long time.

But above all else, I want you to know just how much joy and happiness there’s going to be in your life. How despite all the heartache and hardships you’re going to go through, you will smile. How you will enjoy your life. How you’re going to have a beautiful and simply inspirational daughter even though it’ll take you a while to get her. How you’re going to meet some truly brilliant people when you cave and take her to postnatal group in the vague hope she might find some friends. How you will go on to make so many fabulous memories with these people. How there’s going to be so much laughter in your life. How you’ll stop worrying about everything all the time. How you’ll stop trying to fit in and how you’ll come to actually quite like yourself. This is the one thing I wish more than anything that you could know, and I could teach you. It would change your life during your 20s and 30s. But by the time you reach 40, you’ll know this. Promise.

I know you’re never going to see this. But you’ll never know how much I wish you could have. To have had someone confirm that despite everything you’re going to go through, you’re going to be ok. You really, really are. And that will largely be down to the people who come into your life, it will be down to your determination to never give up, it will be down to your willingness to accept help, it will be down to your realisation that there is always, always something to be thankful for. When you learn, accept and remember this, I promise you more than anything that you’re going to be just fine. 

And now as I sign off, I can’t help but wonder if this letter has really been for you or something I actually need to remind my 40-year-old self. Because no matter how good she might be at giving out the advice, she definitely still needs reminding from time to time to take it.

Me xx

Celebrating the life of Mr C

Yesterday would have been Charlie’s 47th birthday. It was the perfect day to host his Memorial Service and Celebration of Life. I thought about writing a blog for the day but then realised the speech I read said pretty much everything I wanted to say. And I even managed to make it all the way through in one piece!

Well, it turns out there’s a reason I write instead of speaking. It’s actually quite intimidating to stand here and see you all today. But hey, I’m going to give it a go. And please bear with me. As an aside, there are tissues provided on the table and this is your disclaimer that you may need them! Charlie got everyone with his speech at our wedding, so now it’s my turn.

Firstly, I wish we weren’t all here today. In the nicest possible way, I wish we weren’t all here. But we are and we all know why. We’re here for a very good reason. To remember and to celebrate my husband. Stuart Peter Charlesworth. “Charlie”. I still find it surreal and unbelievable to use the phrase “my late husband.” so I don’t tend to. Because let’s be honest, he was never late! I equally still find it difficult to comprehend what’s happened, and if I’m completely honest, I probably never will.

I have gone through every emotion possible since ringing 999 in the early hours of my 39th birthday. Since I saw the fear in his eyes. Since I saw the panic on our daughter’s face. There are days I go through every emotion possible in 24 hours. Losing him is a pain like nothing I have ever experienced before. It is something I pray I never have to go through again.

But today isn’t about me. It’s about Charlie. A man I first met nearly 25 years ago outside Central Park, the home of Sittingbourne FC. He was stood by his blue fiesta and I had no idea then the role he’d gone on to play in my life. I remember sitting in Steve and Libbie’s lounge a few weeks later listening to him say he wasn’t going to go to a Bryan Adams gig because there was a chance it would be Sittingbourne’s last ever game on the same day and he needed to be there. Because that was Charlie. Dedicated and loyal. To know him was to love him, to know him was to be loved by him. Whether you’d known him for a few months, years or a lifetime, it didn’t matter. He treated everyone equally. When he came into your life, you felt it. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m well aware that he’ll have frustrated all of us at some point or another with his rule master behaviour, rolling his eyes, his tendency to always want to be right (yes, really), and some of his Charlie-isms. But when I look back now, these tend to pale into insignificance. The impact he had on each and every one of us in this room ultimately comes down to love, friendship, authenticity and laughter.

When I see everyone here today, I feel humbled and overwhelmed that you all made the effort to be here. For him. For me and Rebekah. I can’t thank you all enough for doing this, I know so many of you were added at short notice because of the change in guidelines, but it didn’t matter. You wanted to be here and that means the world to us. For those of you who’ve had to travel some distance, I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. Charlie would be so, so honoured at the effort you’ve all gone to, so thank you.

I look around this room at how all aspects of his life are represented. And the people who are here show what a full life it was. Childhood friends and their families, his bands, Sporting Sittingbourne, family, friends. I really do thank you all for being here with us today to celebrate him. But also, two amazing people who were due to be here but unfortunately illness meant they couldn’t be. Two amazing people who I only got to know because he fell ill. Two people who were there for Rebekah and me during the agonising days of ITU, two people who become our lifeline for a week. Our Skype angels, Mel and Sharon. I’ll never be able to repay you and the rest of the ITU team for all you did and continue to do for us. Thank you.

And without wanting this to turn into an awards acceptance speech, I do have some other thank yous! None of these people are here today, but I want to say thank you and acknowledge in front of you all the role that my colleagues have played over the last 15 months. They’ve seen me at my best, they’ve seen me at worst. They’ve supported me throughout, they’ve seen me via online meetings way more than friends and family, they’ve dealt with my tears this week on calls and listened to me rehearse this speech. They really have been a fundamental part of the scaffolding that’s held me up.

And now for the tough part. To thank people who are here today. To Rob for your tribute. Just perfect. Thank you to Elliott for always overthinking yet still managing to deliver a great reflection. To James for your reading. It was just so right to have you all speak, Charlie would have known how hard it would be for you all but been so honoured that you all said yes. And once again, I’m indebted to you Estella. For the time you gave helping me organise the church including the seating and social distancing. For the beautiful service. You did it at his funeral and you have done it again today. I don’t underestimate how much of a challenge this would have been for you on both occasions, I’m so very, very grateful.

But in addition to today, I know Charlie would be so grateful at how so many of you have been there for his wife and daughter in the darkest time of their lives. Who have picked me up off the floor (both literally and metaphorically), who have picked up the phone or sent messages, who have been there without judgement, who have appeared on my doorstep with a Costa when you’ve text and I’ve said I’m having a bad day, who have turned up with gin and hair dye to stop me stressing in advance of his funeral, who have cooked us meals, who have looked after Rebekah, who have let me break down on them when it all gets too much. Thank you. You all know individually the role you’ve played, how you’ve supported us and how you’ve been there for us. I simply can’t detail it all. But from the bottom of my heart and I’m sure his, thank you.

I also want to thank the person Charlie always said was his greatest achievement. Our greatest achievement. Our beautiful, brave daughter Rebekah. You astonished me when you spoke at his funeral last year and have done it again today with singing for him. But more than that. Quite simply, I would not still be standing without you. You have been my reason for getting out of bed every single morning for the last 15 months. You have inspired me to keep going. Earlier this week when I said I wasn’t going to come today because the enormity of it all hit, you were the one talking sense into me. Just like daddy would have done. Without a shadow of a doubt, you have been phenomenal. I am so unbelievably proud of you. Daddy would be so unbelievably proud of you. Everyone in this room could learn so very much from you and how you have coped with losing your dad at the age of 10, I know I have.

But the biggest thank you I have to say is to Charlie himself. I think back to the last night he was at home. When I asked if he wanted me to stay with him while he shaved, he said no, so I trundled downstairs, finished the ironing and watched my Jason concert. No way Jason wasn’t going to get a mention in this speech! But in all seriousness, if I had known what was going to happen six hours later, I’d have sat on that bathroom floor. I’d have talked non-stop at him. He’d have absolutely hated it! I’d have said thank you. I’d have thanked him for the love he gave me for over 20 years, for the love he gave our daughter, for the laughter, for the influence he had on us. For being my wingman when it came to parenting. For the fact that it’s down to him that a number of you are in my life. For always taking and twiddling the photos, for introducing me to new music, for teaching us board game rules. For so much more. But most importantly, for the lessons he taught me, that it’s ok to be me. That I don’t need to be perfect, I just need to be me. Warts and all. For teaching me that I don’t need to conform, that people either accept me for who I am or they don’t. And that’s ok. I don’t need to change who I am to fit in. If I had the night of 29th March 2020 all over again, this is what I would say. Thank you Charlie. For everything.

It is a cliché to say he is always with us, but he really is. The music we’re listening to today are the songs that people told me reminded them of him and make them smile. I’ve turned it into a Spotify playlist so you can all share those memories. The seeds on the table that you can all take and plant in memory of him. Wherever you like, scatter them at his bench, scatter them in your garden. Wherever. Just do it to celebrate and remember him. He loved a wildflower and helping the bees, so again, it helps him live on. The memory cards that are on your table. Write your memory, funny, sad, thoughtful. Again, just share this. It’s all part of keeping him part of us. I vowed to him on the day he died that I would never, ever let him be forgotten. Yes, Rebekah and I are having to move forward with our lives, but I know that he will be a part of mine for as a long as I live. He will be a part of our daughter’s life for as long as she lives. And I hope in some small way, he will and we will continue to be a part of your lives too.

So. I’ve made it. Just. Please, please carry on smiling today. Take the photos, make the memories. You know it’s what he’d have been doing. When you watch the Euro final tomorrow, think of him. He’d have been loving this tournament. And as for making the final over his birthday weekend. It’s what dreams are made of. Only one other thing to say really before I wrap up. It’s coming home.

And finally, I’d like to ask you all to stand, to raise a glass and to toast Charlie, Dad, Stuart, Son, Bro. Whatever you called him, just raise that glass and make that toast. To Charlie.

To Mr C on Fathers’ Day

Well Mr C. This one has come around quick. How can we possibly be on our second Fathers’ Day without you already? She only had 10 with you alive, yet somehow, she’s now done two without you. It’s wrong. It’s all so very wrong.

Because without question, being a father was something you always wanted. Only being one for 10 years isn’t right. Your original life plan was to be married with a child by the age of 26. Falling in love with someone nearly seven years younger than you was always going to make that a challenge. But I knew. From the very early days of us dating, I knew what a doting and wonderful father you would be.

Sadly, 26 was the age you were when you were diagnosed with testicular cancer. The chemotherapy and the surgery meant that having a family was no longer a certainty. We had no idea whether it would happen for us. As it was, it took nearly 18 months and a number of medical tests before I fell pregnant with her. But we both loved her from that very first scan when we saw her wriggling around. You were made up. You were about to get everything you had ever wanted.

From the moment she was born, it was evident how strong a bond you were going to have. How much you adored her. And as she got older, that bond only strengthened. It was a joy to watch. To see you finally come into your own as a father. Firm but fair. And while she was never meant to be an only child, I know that we made the right decision for us as family not to have any more. After losing our second baby, we just became even more grateful for all we had. We hadn’t known if it would be possible at all, we just decided to count our blessings. In fact, I like to think that you’re now looking after our angel baby while I stay here looking after our first baby.

Yet it makes me so angry and sad that you’re not here to see that beloved first baby grow up. At all you’re going to miss out on. That you’ve not seen just how unbelievably amazing she has been since you were rushed to ITU (although in the pragmatic style of her daddy, she’d tell me that if you had been here, she wouldn’t have needed to be this amazing). She’s changed and grown up so much, I wish you were still here to see it. She’s now getting excited about the next phase in her life and starting secondary school in September, but I’m so nervous about it. You should be here for this; I don’t really know how I’m going to do it without you. I just know I’ll be trying to do everything I can do hold it together because a) our baby is growing up and b) you’re not here to share it with us.

I’m also so angry and sad at all she has lost. At all she’s continuing to lose. Her daddy, her protector, her partner in crime, her innocence, her security, her family. We’ve brought her up to know that life isn’t always cupcakes and rainbows, but I wish she hadn’t had to have it confirmed in such a heart-breaking way. At the risk of saying something ridiculously childlike, it’s just not fair. Because it isn’t. None of this is. The memories of you and her together throughout the years keep cropping up on Facebook memories, you really were as thick as thieves. And this month is the worst because of all the Fathers’ Day ones. They make me smile and cry at the same time. There was just so much love between you both. I so wish I could have bottled it for her.

I think back to the first Fathers’ Day without you last year. It was me who struggled and cried more than she did. I even queried whether this was “normal” with others on the Widowed and Young Facebook page. Why was I so upset? Why wasn’t she? But this year is different, I can see that. Even the build-up has been so much harder for her. Last year the two of us were cocooned in our own little world. This year she’s seeing more people, she’s seeing more children with their dads, she’s been in shops where Fathers’ Day is advertised everywhere. “Why do they do that?” she asked me “Why is it everywhere? I don’t have a dad, I don’t want to see it.” It breaks my heart to hear her say that because she does have a dad. Granted, you may not physically be here, but she does have one. And I promise you Mr C, with everything I have, that I will never, ever allow her to forget you. To forget how loved by her daddy she was.

But it’s not just her feeling the pain of you not being here, I’m missing co-parenting and your role as a father too. She went on a school trip this week, you know how much I hate her doing these. How paranoid I am and how sick I feel whenever she goes on a coach. You were the one always there to placate me when I’d leave her and cry. This week I went back to the car by myself. All I wanted was a hug and for you to tell me everything was going to be ok. The fabulous Widowed and Young contingent were there for me though, I wasn’t totally alone. And I ran away to the office to distract myself, even managing to get lunch bought for me to save me cooking when I got home (Wednesday’s win!)

Yet despite my feelings and how much I’m hurting and missing you, she continues to be my priority. I will always put her first. I will always make sacrifices for her. I need to help her to learn to live without you. To continue to live her life without her daddy. To help her not feel guilt, because despite her young age, she does. She feels guilty that for several of the Fathers’ Days you had, that she was away from you either at dance shows or rehearsals for them. I’ve tried explaining that seeing her do something she loved was just as rewarding for you as being with her, but she’s a child. She can’t comprehend why. She doesn’t have the emotional maturity to understand it. She doesn’t understand how that can be possible. She sees things very black and white. But it’s true. You adored seeing her on stage taking after you with performing. You were so unbelievably proud of her; I can only hope that she knows that, and I can only promise you that I will continue to tell her.

But it’s not just performing. I simply see so much of you in her. I don’t know if it’s always been there and I never noticed it before because you were here, but it’s there now. I’ve said before that I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve said “she’s her father’s daughter” but she really is. She doesn’t suffer fools gladly, she stands up for herself, she rolls her eyes, she loves a board game, she’s always singing, she’s crazy at times. But these are all things she’s watched and learnt from you. Without a shadow of a doubt, you have had such an influence on her. It’s testament to your role as her father. I just hope you knew what an amazing job you were doing for all those years.

And I strongly suspect you did. You were the one who came up with the idea to take her to a special place every year on her birthday and document her growing up with a photo. You were the one who created a special email account for her and emailed her throughout the years, I’ve read some of them now but I can’t read them all. They make me cry. They make me miss you even more. Because they’re not me telling her how much you loved her, they’re you telling her. It’s such an unbelievable legacy to have left her, and, when the time is right, I will absolutely share them with her. She will always know that love directly from you. I doubt I ever said it when you were alive, but thank you for doing both of these things.

They will be invaluable because as the months have gone on, there are little things she’s forgetting about you. There are little things that just aren’t as prominent for her any more even after only 14 months. I’m doing all I can to keep you alive in her memory but one of my biggest fears is that these memories will continue to dissipate over time. We talk about you all the time, I encourage her to write down memories so she doesn’t forget and can look back in years to come, I make sure when we’re with family and friends that they talk about you too. You will be part of all our lives forever. I’ll make sure of that. It’s not without its challenges, but I won’t give up on it. I won’t allow myself to give up on it.

Yet I know over time, the challenges will probably get harder. Relationships and friendships will change. The memories will fade more. She’s going to grow up, be less reliant on me and be around me less as she lives her life. She’s going to go on and do great things (of that I’m sure) and right now I’m scared as to where will that leave me. We won’t be able to watch her to do this together and as cute as he is, the dog really doesn’t provide the same level of conversation and have the same level of pride that you did! But in all seriousness, the future does scare me more than ever now. What it will bring for me. Who I’ll become when I’m not needed in the same way as a mother and don’t have you here with me. The one thing I am sure of though is that I will always, always be immensely proud of our little girl. I am sure that as you watch over her, you will be immensely proud of her too. Because after all, no matter how old she is, she will always honour you and be daddy’s little girl. Just you watch.

When I grow up, I’m going to marry Jason Donovan…

I’ll admit from the outset that this blog is slightly different to all my other posts so far. But when I said I was going to start writing a blog about my rollercoaster life, a friend of mine said that she hoped I’d use it to tell more of my life story. Not just the post COVID story. To tell people more about Emma. And to answer the question which I think more than one person has wondered. Just what is behind the infatuation with Jason Donovan?? So, as it’s his birthday today, it felt like a nice time to tell this story…

I think I was seven years old when I made the momentous life decision that when I grew up, I was going to marry Jason Donovan. Seven years old, totally bought into the Scott and Charlene love story in Neighbours so that when the transition to music happened, I was there ready and waiting with my pocket money! Now I work in marketing, I can see that I would have been a marketer’s dream. And it’s also since becoming a parent that I can see how I must have driven my parents insane with this adoration. The Ten Good Reasons album was the album of choice for any day trip, and I still know which song would be playing as we arrived at Dymchurch Beach. I knew this meant that on the way home we’d have to turn the cassette over! (Yes, I am that old that I remember cassettes). My bedroom wall was covered in posters. I’d buy all the records. I’d buy all the magazines. I had the Straight From The Heart board game (still own this). Everything was helping me prepare for growing up and marrying him. I don’t think anyone actually had the heart to break it to me that this wouldn’t happen.

So, when he was cast in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat, it was the height of excitement for me. Except my mum told me that she couldn’t afford the tickets. I was heartbroken. Little did I know that a few months later; on what I thought was just a day trip to London; her and my godmother would present me with tickets. I could barely eat all day. The excitement was too much to bear. At the end of the show, I stood outside the stage door for just over three and a half hours. This was the start of my stage door stalking that continues to this day. A girl next to me said that her friend was at the front of the queue and passed my autograph book forward. When it was given back to me, the autograph was in there. The excitement was palpable. It became my most treasured possession. Although now when I look at it and compare it to other autographs I’ve seen him sign, I can’t help but wonder if it was actually her friend who signed it…

And then the fall from grace. Jason Donovan was no longer winning all the awards. He was no longer the big pop star. It was no longer cool to like him. I remember going to Woolworths (again, showing my age), picking up Mission of Love and a group of teenage girls next to me sniggered and laughed that I was buying it. It was the first time I really became conscious of what other people thought and the impact it could have. I think it undoubtedly played a part in me trying to fit in and be like everyone else for so much of my teenage life and my 20s. I didn’t like the feeling of being laughed at for liking something different or that wasn’t perceived as cool. First boyfriends weren’t told about this secret love affair of mine (didn’t want to scare them off). My liking of Jason Donovan became a closely guarded secret so that people wouldn’t think I was weird.

But deep down inside, I was still a fan. And when I was 17, I met him for the first time. He was appearing in The Rocky Horror Show in Canterbury. My friend; who I’d become friends with because she had pictures of him on her folder when we started at secondary school; and I went with my mum. I vividly remember saying before we went that if he was horrible at the stage door, that would it be. It would be over. We waited nervously. But when he came out, he saw that there was a girl in a wheelchair at the stage door waiting. He went straight over. He knelt to her level. He spoke to her. He spoke to each and every one of us. He gave us his time. Over 20 years later, the impact of that evening stays with me. Despite having just performed on stage, Jason gave us his time and showed kindness. To anyone who’s read my previous blogs, you’ll know how important kindness is to me. The love affair was still on.

And then the wilderness years. We all know why. But in 2006, Jason returned to our TV screens in I’m A Celebrity. Mr C and I were in New York for some of the series. I set the video to record (yes, a video tape!) to watch when we got back. Poor Mr C, this was about to be his first real experience of what was to come over the subsequent years of our marriage. Jason was back. I was there at the comeback tour the following year making me join a camping trip with friends a day late. I wasn’t missing this! It was such an enjoyable evening and took me straight back to my seven year old self (although if you happen to see the DVD, there’s some very amusing footage of me looking beyond starstruck when he comes into the audience…)

Over the subsequent years, Jason started doing more TV, more theatre and just generally being more of a presence again. I tried counting up how many times I’d seen him and failed. I’m sure I will work this out one day! I’ve been on the most epic trip to Butlins with friends to see him. So much laughing. So much fun. It was the best weekend EVER, despite me coming home with the nickname “Jasonzilla” because, apparently, I turned into a bit of monster to make sure we were there on time and right at the front of the stage to see him. A claim I vehemently deny to this day. I’ve danced on stage in an Australian hat with my friends and family in the opening song of Act 2 of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. It’s not even a guilty pleasure any more, I’m quite open about all of this now. It’s led to more of my family and friends winding me up about this obsession. There are the jokes about the injunction order. I’ve even got one friend who is convinced that whenever Jason finds out I’m in the building via my over excitable tweets or front row seats, there’s a call to security “code red, code red, she’s here again.”

But why am I still like this over 30 years since my first declaration of love? The memory of how genuine he was the first time I met him has stayed with me. It’s resulted in many more occasions waiting at the stage door. And throughout it all, Jason has been a true gent. Every single time. If he’s too busy to talk or take photos at the stage door, he tells us. He’s honest and upfront. He’s genuine. He makes time for his fans. To the point that when he was the compere at an event my company was sponsoring and I stealthily stalked him, he took a selfie of the two of us for me. Why? Because I was so excited, I simply couldn’t make my thumb work to press the button. At a critical moment to get an amazing picture, I couldn’t make my thumb work. That evening was the first time one of my colleagues had properly met me. She’s gone on to become a fabulous friend, but nearly six years later, I’m still staggered she speaks to me. She spent most of the evening with me being a quivering wreck. I also remember sending the selfie Jason had taken to Mr C. His response was simply “That poor man.” No compliments on what an amazing photo it was, just three words. Harsh, in my opinion. But despite how much Mr C mocked me, he secretly liked how much I’d become more open about the adoration. He liked that I no longer felt the need to hide it.

And over the last few years, with the advent of social media, I’ve even had the odd tweet or two from Jason himself. I can’t begin to explain how excited I get when these notifications pop up on my phone!! Social media has also meant I’ve been able to connect with more like-minded Jason fans. I don’t really know what you call a group of Jason fans (I suspect Mr C would have suggested Nutters, Crazy Women or something equally flattering) but I genuinely feel I could meet these women for a drink and it would be like we’ve known each other for years. Equally, social media has led to conversations with the lovely Ange, Jason’s wife. I sometimes wonder how she puts us up with us all fawning over her husband, but she does so with such good grace. And on more than one occasion has made me laugh out loud with her responses! But above all else, the kindness and support shown to me from each and every one of these people over the past 15 months, including the main man himself, has meant so very much. They’ve been there for me every step of the way, even arranging for Jason to send me a tweet the day after I was told the next 24-48 hours were critical for Mr C. There’s been other little nice touches too, none of which would have taken any time or cost anything, but each of them has meant the absolute world. We come back to that word again. Kindness.

So, as I come to the end of this blog, I hope I’ve answered the question I posed at the start. What is behind the infatuation with Jason Donovan? Quite simply, he’s just so lovely! But in all seriousness, I feel like he’s been there for me at every stage of my life. Because listening to his music takes me back to a time when life was simple, and I didn’t have a care in the world. I need that at times. Because he’s helped me realise that it doesn’t matter if you’re not the coolest. It doesn’t matter if you like something that means you don’t quite fit in. That’s ok. The girls in Woolworths wouldn’t bother me now. Because he’s shown that when it comes down to it, all that matters is that you’re kind, genuine and true to yourself. Whoever you are. Whether you’re famous or not. And that is one of the most invaluable lessons you can ever be taught.

Taking off the mask

This was possibly the hardest blog for me to write so far. Because this one is about me. I don’t know how much of this people will already know. I don’t know who will be surprised by it. But I’ve always pledged to be honest. And it was during Mental Health Awareness Week three years ago that life changed for me, so it feels right to tell this story now…

You’ll probably be surprised to learn that this is a blog about my mental health given the pictures from Disney World at the top of it. But there’s a reason for including those. Because it was during this holiday that everything came to a head. I vividly remember storming out of our hotel room on more than one occasion. I vividly remember slamming the door behind me and telling myself my marriage had three months before I gave up on it. Yes, that’s right. In the happiest place in the world, I was miserable. My family were miserable. There were arguments most days. Yes we glossed over them and were able to have a nice time, but they were still happening. And what was the cause of most of these arguments? That things were going wrong, it wasn’t the holiday it was meant to be due to the weather, over tiredness and a lot of external pressure. And when it wasn’t perfect, I couldn’t cope. Because I’d put so much pressure on myself to deliver this perfect holiday that I felt the need to exacerbate every little thing that went wrong. I made it worse. No, Mr C wasn’t an innocent party, but I made things worse. I mean, just look at the photos, you can tell that things were strained, can’t you?

The simple answer to that question is no. Because despite the fact I was spiralling into a darker and darker place mentally, I wouldn’t talk about it. I became so adept at putting on a mask and pretending I was fine. I put the holiday photos on Facebook. I made sure that we were all smiley and cheery. To the outside world, Family Charlesworth had just had the perfect dream holiday in Disney World over Christmas. No-one knew what was really going on behind closed doors. And for a long time, I viewed this holiday as the start of my falling apart, despite the fact I had not been right for months prior to it. Yet Mr C later told me he viewed it as the start of my recovery because it made me acknowledge something wasn’t right. It took me a very long time to be able to look back on that holiday and not view it badly. I can do that now. I can look back at the photos and smile. I can look back at the 100-page photobook Mr C painstakingly put together for us and talk to my daughter about the memories that make us happy and laugh. Because it was a good holiday. I was just so blinded and in such a dark place that at the time I couldn’t see it. I focused on the negatives. When people would ask me about it, I couldn’t muster any enthusiasm for it. I would respond with “it was fine thanks”, “we had a nice time” or some other inane response but despite this, I still didn’t want to front up to how I was really feeling.

It’s why it took me a further six weeks after we returned before I made the decision to seek help. Not because I was afraid to, but because I had just accepted that feeling this way was normal. I just felt that talking to someone about what I was feeling (the constant exhaustion, the flying off the handle at any given moment, the inability to make a decision) was one more thing to add to the to do list. I didn’t have the energy. I’d have to deal with it then. Far easier to lead a miserable, exhausted life, than face what was going on. But after one argument too many, after getting just that one step closer to walking out, I gave in. I accepted I needed to talk to someone. I knew I didn’t want to end my marriage, it was just being a wife was just one more thing that I didn’t need to be doing. My marriage was always the first thing to suffer because everything else was prioritised on top of it. I just didn’t have the energy to put the effort in to that as well. I took it for granted that it would always be there.

And so, without telling Mr C I was going to do it, I picked up the phone and made a call to our Employee Helpline. I felt scared. Because I knew this was bad. I knew as they asked the questions and I answered truthfully that they weren’t going to put the phone down having told me to go away and that I was fine. I wasn’t. I knew that. But what I couldn’t get my head around was why, who needs counselling and help so that they can cope with everyday life? You see I’d had counselling three times previously but in my head, each time was for a valid reason. The first because I’d buried a lot since my childhood, my parents’ divorce and Mr C’s diagnosis and treatment for cancer. The second because I was going through a tough time at work and was struggling with a two-year-old, I never felt good enough. The third because I’d buried a lot of feelings after we experienced a missed miscarriage. Reasons. All valid. To ask for help because life simply felt too hard felt ludicrous to me.

But to talk to me at the start of 2018 when I was at my lowest, you would not have known just how bad it was and how much I really did need help. I didn’t want to tell people in case they perceived me as weak. Two people knew at work, and I was so lucky with the support they gave me, but I didn’t want them telling anyone else. I didn’t tell many family members. I told barely any friends. I look back now, and it makes me feel sad for Mr C. Because I don’t know if he ever spoke to anyone about what was happening. It must have been so hard for him to be living in that situation. It’s one of those things I always thought we’d get around to talking about, but we ran out of time. I hope he did talk to someone. I hope he felt supported. Because I can only begin to imagine how hard it was for him to watch his wife fall apart in front of his eyes for a number of months.

And then as I was coming to the end of my counselling, the Friday of Mental Health Awareness Week, 18 May 2018, my father in law said something to me which would change everything. He was paying me a compliment. He was giving me a little boost. But what he didn’t realise was that he was about to change the way I approached my life. In saying what he did, he unlocked something in me. It’s why I remember the date. What did he say? “You’ve got broad shoulders; you’ll just take it all on the chin. It’s what you always do.” He was right. To onlookers this is what I did because this was the facade I’d created. Emma Charlesworth could take on anything and it was all water off a duck’s back. She was strong. Yet as I left his house a little while later and sat outside my daughter’s school, I reflected on what he said. This really was the perception of me. And the only person who was going to change that and admit I couldn’t take it all on the chin was me. I’ll always be grateful to him for saying it, without it, I don’t know when, or if, I’d have started being more open. So, as I sat outside my daughter’s school, I wrote social media posts. I still wasn’t brave enough to tell people face to face, so social media felt like a way to dip my toe in the water. I shared that I’d been having counselling. I shared that I’d been living with depression and anxiety. I was staggered after these posts went live. No-one judged me. No-one called me weak. The support overwhelmed me. It really was ok that I was admitting that I wasn’t ok.

Over the following 18 months, I started sharing and to open up more. I became adamant that our daughter would not grow up thinking it was weak to ask for help. I would set a good example for her. I would make sure she always felt comfortable to talk about her feelings. But most of all, I didn’t want to wear a mask and put on a front anymore. I just wanted to be me. To be accepted for who I was, warts and all. In February 2020, just a month before he fell ill, Mr C recorded a video of me sharing my story for the internal news platform at work. He was so proud of me for doing it. Because for just over 20 years, this is what he’d wanted me to do. To just be me, to not pretend to be someone I wasn’t. To simply be Emma. Someone who struggles with life at times, someone who on occasion needs help to deal with life. Someone who isn’t perfect but is happy with herself regardless of this, because no-one is. But no matter what, she’s someone who refuses to give up.

He’d be proud that I can sit here now and reflect on all of this. He’d be proud that over the last few weeks I’m noticing things which could be little triggers indicating that I need to be a bit kinder to myself. I’ve started to wonder whether my inclination to open the laptop and work once my daughter has gone to bed really is because the work needs doing then or because it’s a distraction technique to stop me feeling lonely and being alone with my thoughts. When people ask me how I am, I’ve realised I tend to respond with what I’m doing to help my daughter and how she is. Again, I’m distracting because to think about how I am is just too hard. I don’t honestly know how I am. It’s raw. It has the potential to unlock something within me which I’m not ready to face yet. I can feel the emotion rising during conversations where I feel frustrated or disappointed, I’m not able to keep it under wraps. The Emma tone of old creeps in. Being hugged by a couple of people in the last few weeks (yes, I know rules have been broken here) made me feel fragile. I wasn’t ready for physical contact. The thought of the return to a post lockdown world makes me feel vulnerable. I’m still grieving, I’m still trying to process being widowed at 39, I’m still trying to adjust. I will be for a very long time. I want to hide away from people for a lot longer. And while I have had bereavement counselling to help me work through the immediate trauma of what we went through, I know at some point I’ll seek more. But I know that by recognising these triggers and understanding myself, it means I won’t hit rock bottom before I do this. I won’t ever allow myself to hit rock bottom again. Because the difference between now and 2018 is that I’m not scared to ask for help. I won’t be scared to tell people.

Why? Because of what I’ve learnt over the last four years, because I can now accept that asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak. I ended a previous blog with a quote from Winnie the Pooh and this one is no different. Because one of the best quotes of all when it comes to mental health comes from Piglet. “It’s okay to feel not very okay at all. It can be quite normal, in fact.” Never a truer word spoken.

If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?

A year ago today Facebook was flooded with pictures and memories of Mr C. For a year ago today my husband’s funeral took place. I don’t know when statements like this will ever stop feeling as though they belong to someone else. I don’t know who else today is thinking back to 7 May 2020. I don’t know how I feel about today, I’d not thought about today when I thought about my firsts. How will I feel about this date in future years?

When I look back, my husband’s funeral was the first time I think I really realised he was dead. Not coming home. Ever. This might sound strange, but due to all the restrictions in place, since he’d walked to the ambulance, I hadn’t physically seen him. I hadn’t seen him in hospital other than via a screen, I hadn’t seen him in a chapel of rest, I hadn’t given clothes for him to be dressed in. As weird as it sounds, it sort of felt that he was just on holiday. So when the hearse pulled up outside our house, I was hit with the realisation that my husband was actually in the coffin. The flowers we’d chosen and the cards we’d written were on top of the coffin and really were accompanying him on his last journey. We hadn’t just done them because someone had asked us to. My legs buckled under me as the funeral director came to speak to me. I didn’t want to shut our front door and follow him, because then this really would be real.

This day was the culmination of the toughest six weeks of my life. Everything about the funeral and the weeks leading up to it were hard. All of the preparations for it were hard. If he’d had died even just a few months earlier, it would have been so different. People would have been allowed in my house. The crematorium would’ve been standing room only. There would have been a wake. There would have been hugging. My god, there would have been hugging. But COVID stole that from us. Just like it stole him and our future, COVID stole my opportunity to give him the send off he deserved and for us to have the physical support we needed. We were not allowed funeral cars, we were not allowed a wake, he was not allowed to be carried in (the coffin was wheeled in on a trolley) and most devastating of all, we were only allowed 10 people to be present.

I don’t think I was really prepared for how hard it would be when I was faced with making the decision of who would be present. Family members couldn’t be there, I knew one of my sister in laws wouldn’t be able to travel to be there in person. Families couldn’t be together, some members were in the crematorium while their husbands or wives and children waited in the car park. When my father in law changed his mind about attending the service shortly before the hearse arrived and asked me if he could come in, I didn’t know whether he’d be allowed. On autopilot, I said yes but I didn’t know. Never in a million years did I think at 39 years old, I’d have been planning my husband’s funeral and dealing with all these things. But I was. I was faced with so many decisions. None of which I wanted to make. None of which I should have been making.

“What music will you be playing?” was one of the first questions the funeral directors asked me. I’d be lying if I said for a fleeting moment I didn’t consider Too Many Broken Hearts or another Jason Donovan classic. Just for a laugh. But in all seriousness, I have never felt such a responsibility to get a decision right. Mr C loved his music. It was so much a part of who he was. Get this wrong and I’d be haunted for life. Of that I was sure. I couldn’t just choose any old song. I couldn’t choose a standard funeral song. Fortunately the exit music was one that Mr C had always told me he wanted because of how special it was to him. We even have the opening line as a piece of wall art to go up in our house. We’d just never got round to putting it up. And quite frankly, I’ll still put it up as it feels even more poignant now, “If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?” But when it came to the music we’d walk in to, I agonised over it. I listened to so many of his favourite artists. And then a song by Train hit me. “When I look to the sky” had such perfect lyrics. I didn’t realise at the time just how important they’d turn out to be over the following months too.

“Do you want a live stream?” Another decision. The answer to this was instantly “yes”. Too many people needed to be a part of it. I couldn’t not have one. Although the marketer in me wanted to ask if I’d get stats. How many people viewed it? Did they watch the whole service? Did everyone tune in on time? Could I get stats for the on demand version? I reached the conclusion that it was probably inappropriate to ask but it certainly crossed my mind to. It’s odd what goes through your mind during stressful times. But the live stream gave so many people the opportunity to be with us in spirit. Friends and family across the country tuned in. An old school friend of his now living in Australia watched it. The live stream allowed so many more people to be a part of this day. I hope this option continues for people post pandemic.

People asked me if the dress code was black. Another decision. And it was. It’s what he would have wanted. But do you know how hard it is to find a formal black dress for a 10 year old girl in May? Apparently 10 year olds should be all summery and wearing bright colours in May. Not needing an outfit for their daddy’s funeral. But the one decision when it came to dress code that was a no brainer was my footwear. I needed my heels. Except my black heels were in my locker in my office. “No-one will mind or care if you wear flat shoes, don’t worry” my sister said to me. She was met with a steely gaze and I quickly shut her down. Because I minded. I cared. It was important to me. Quite simply, I was not wearing flat shoes to my husband’s funeral. He’d have been disappointed in me if I had. It’s not who I am.

“What charity would you like donations to go to?” Again, another question and decision to make that I hadn’t really thought about. I knew small charities would be hit hard throughout the pandemic, so I chose The Oddballs Foundation. Having beaten Testicular Cancer, it was very important to Mr C to raise awareness of it. He loved the bright socks Oddballs sell. In fact, he even had some brand new ones sitting unopened in his drawer, so despite the black dress code, the men attending the service were each given a pair. Another little nod to him.

And then the day came. I remember asking my best friend during a phone call a few hours before the service if it was acceptable for me to have a glass of wine beforehand. “Go for it. No-one can come near you, they won’t smell your breath” was her response. We both laughed. A lighthearted moment on such a sombre day. I needed it. Because just a few hours later the hearse was arriving. My final chance to say goodbye to my husband was fast approaching.

The drive to the crematorium felt like the longest drive in the world. Family and friends lined our street. I was unprepared for how many people would be there. I’d diligently put notes in each of the houses on our street to let them know the timings and that people would be socially distancing to pay their respects. My next door but one neighbour, who I’d never spoken to, organised the traffic, neighbours sent cards and offered driveways. Everyone was just so kind. People stood along the route. And then we approached the crematorium. I cried then. Because his Sunday League Football Team had done him so proud. They were all in their training kits. Their uniform. “The lads want to produce a flag for him if you don’t mind?” was something I’d been asked and promptly forgotten about until that moment. It was quite something seeing it hanging opposite the crematorium. It took my breath away. I know there were other family, friends and colleagues stood there too. I have no real recollection of who though. In years to come, it’ll probably crop up in conversation that people were there. I’ll never be able to thank them and all those who were on our street enough. We felt so very loved. We felt the love for Mr C.

But the actual service was where the unenviable decisions I’d made would be seen. My final act as Stuart Charlesworth’s wife. Would I do him justice? I’d never felt pressure like it. I’d told people I’d send them a copy of the order of service in advance. And then I got twitchy. I didn’t want people knowing the music in advance. Under normal circumstances this wouldn’t happen, so why should it today? So, I scheduled an email send for shortly before the service started. The control freak in me was still there! But the service was everything I could have hoped for. My daughter and I read “He is Gone” by David Harkins. There were choral versions of hymns we’d had at our wedding. Our wonderful friend conducted the service for us and did so with such aplomb despite the painfully difficult circumstances. Two amazing friends stepped in at short notice to read the eulogy after circumstances meant our best man couldn’t attend to read it. But his words were perfect. Spot on. And then for the final decision I’d made about music choice. For Mr C’s voice to be heard as we said goodbye to him. How would people feel about it? No-one knew this was going to happen. No-one expected it. But it was just perfect and so fitting. He’d have liked the fact he sang at his own funeral. He’d have liked the fact that he (almost) got to have the last word.

Leaving the crematorium felt surreal. Again, there was no hugging. No real comforting of one another. We had to take the flowers home, they weren’t allowed to stay or be donated anywhere. I think back now and can’t remember if I cried during the service. I know my daughter didn’t, but did I? I think I probably did, but it’s another one of those memories that’s a blur. Because that’s the thing with funerals, they’re over with so quickly, you don’t get the chance to absorb what’s really happening. It’s why I’m so grateful I made the decision to have a DVD copy made of it, I’ve watched it back (needed to make sure I had the right funeral!) and it was comforting to do so. It means whenever I need to, I won’t need to remember what was said. I can watch and listen.

Because as time passes, memories of that day and the planning of it will fade. I know this. But what will always stay with me is the memory of how so many came together for Family Charlesworth that day. To pay their respects to him. To show their support for us. I won’t ever forget that kindness. That evening I received a text from a mutual friend “You and Rebekah are amazing. You two, with Charlie’s memory as your inspiration will be fine.” I doubt they remember sending it. But it’s one I remember. I didn’t see it until the the next morning but when I read it, it was just what I needed. It’s one that I find and re-read when I’m having tough days and doubting myself. It just gives me a boost. Because do you know what? They’re right. We will be fine. Yes. There are tough days. There are days when everything feels too hard. There are days when we hide away and cry. There are days when an unexpected Facebook post or memory sideswipes me. But despite this, I know eventually we’ll be fine. How do I know this? Because of Mr C. Because of the chorus of the song that played as we entered the crematorium a year ago today:

‘Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here