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There will always be light no matter how dark this life can get

Twenty years ago today Mr C got the all-clear from his testicular cancer. Yes, that’s right, 11 September 2001. The day the world changed forever. And with it being 20 years, I’ve spent a lot of the day reflecting on the eight months that also changed his life forever. This is really his story to tell, but he can’t do that anymore. So, I’m going to tell the story of one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. I think he’d want me to.

It was February 2001 when things really got bad for Mr C. He’d been going back to his GP on and off for around 18 months ahead of this with various symptoms. At each point he was reassured that there was nothing to worry about. He never got a second opinion or pushed for one. So, in February 2001 when he was in so much pain and could barely walk because of how swollen his testicle had become, his GP finally sent him for tests. Within three days he was being operated on to remove his testicle. I remember vividly going to see him after this operation and thinking how well he looked. He looked well because he was no longer in pain. Little did we know just how ill he actually was, and what would happen within a matter of weeks.

Three weeks later we learnt that the cancer that had started out in his testicle had spread. He had three additional tumours and would face intense chemotherapy and potentially more surgery. He was just 26 years old and there was no guarantee he would make it. The staff at St. Barts hospital in London were simply brilliant with their support and the speed at which they moved to get his treatment started. Over the next couple of weeks, he had to make sperm deposits in case the chemotherapy left him infertile and then on 30 March 2001 (my 20th birthday) he started chemotherapy. He would go in every Thursday, have a cannula in each arm with the drugs in and be in hospital until the Sunday. He’d then have three weeks off before doing this all over again. It was intense. He lost his hair. The steroids he was on made him put on weight. He was exhausted. But he always, always wanted to fight.

Until one day in June. It had all got too much for him. He encouraged me to walk away from him and live my life. He was worried that I hadn’t signed up for this and it wasn’t fair on me. For anyone who read my blog “Being Mrs C” you’ll know that I didn’t walk away at this point. But it was hard to watch him lose his fight. Gradually he got it back, he felt had his whole life ahead of him. He wanted a future. So, he kept fighting. And then in August 2001 we learnt that while the tumours had shrunk, he would need that further surgery. Because of where one of the tumours was, there was a chance that to remove it would result in him losing a leg. He still signed that consent authorisation. To him, having a future without a leg was better than no future at all.

The day of his operation, his dad and I went to London. Delays on the train meant that we didn’t get to see him before he went to the operating theatre. This pained me beyond all belief. So, we just had to wait. We went for breakfast; we went for a walk via St. Paul’s Cathedral (it seems ironic now that the Remember Me project for those lost to COVID-19 will be in St. Paul’s). I can’t tell you what else we did but I do know that I’ll always be grateful his dad was with me that day. When we eventually made our way back to St. Bart’s we thought we’d be seeing him shortly. It was still some hours to go. His surgery was taking longer than anticipated. I think it was just under nine hours until he made it back onto the ward. One of the first things he did when we saw him was lift the sheet to check on his legs. His sense of humour even on such a day was there to see. A few hours later the consultant told us that everything had been removed. All was looking positive, but we’d still need to wait a few weeks to be sure. He was in hospital for a week after this surgery. He’d essentially been cut in half and it was going to take time to recover. He had a lot to endure, obviously helped when on one visit I tripped over his catheter… It’s a miracle he stayed with me after this!

And then on 11 September 2001, he got the news he’d been waiting for. He was clear of cancer. We spent the morning at St. Bart’s and then met his dad at a pub in Westminster to celebrate. We then got on the tube. It was rammed. We weren’t sure why, it seemed most odd. As we pulled out of London, we overheard a guy on the train talking on his phone about World War III breaking out. We didn’t have a clue what had happened. This was before smartphones and all we could do was wonder.

I remember us getting home, switching on the TV, and finding out about the unbelievable events in the USA. The euphoria from the morning left us. So much loss and devastation was happening overseas, it was quite hard to be jubilant. We just sat there for hours watching the news in disbelief. It was like something from a disaster movie, this couldn’t be real life surely? Except it was. And it made the day of his all-clear memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Over the next few months, he tried to find a job (he’d just started one when he was diagnosed and unfortunately couldn’t stay). He really struggled to even get interviews because of the gap on his CV. It turned out that all-clear was fast becoming an anti-climax. Life wasn’t all cupcakes and roses because of it. I started to see the change in him too. He was far less tolerant of things. His temper was shorter. This experience changed him. Yes, there were so many elements of the old Charlie there, but you don’t go through what he did, staring death in the face and expect to still be the same person afterwards. You reassess your life. You reassess the people in it and how they treat you. You have new expectations. I’m not saying this happens to everyone that goes through an experience like this, but it certainly happened to him. And I can see it happening to me too now that I’ve been widowed. I haven’t personally stared death in the face, but death has affected my life in a way I’m still trying to comprehend.

But this experience also made him appreciate life more. He lived for the moment. He realised life is fragile and made it his mission to just enjoy it. He was told on more than one occasion that he should lose weight, but his philosophy was that he liked food and he wanted to enjoy his life. Not live governed by other factors. He was the life and soul of the party. He treated everyone equally. He wanted to make sure that everyone enjoyed spending time with him. But above all else, he became fiercely loyal to all his friends and family. For the people who had been there for him. The people who visited him in hospital. Who took him unbelievably noisy toys! But in all seriousness, those people who were there for him then are now there for me. He was blown away by the support in 2001, he’d be blown away by the support for me now. I just know it.

And as the years went by, he’d remember this day. Usually with the phrase “B*ll*cks to cancer.” But he never forgot the significance of his all-clear date. He would make reference to the tragic events that had happened as well as the milestones he was reaching in Facebook posts. I’ve been reminding myself of them today, it makes me feel closer to him. And one stopped me in my tracks. It ended with this paragraph “So please, while we must remember this date, the horror of what happened in New York and share our support with the families of all those who were lost, some still have a reason to celebrate this date, people were saved, children were born and illnesses were beaten. There will always be light no matter how dark this life can get.” He knew this first-hand. His life had been dark but in typical Mr C fashion he always looked for the light, he knew it was there. And since his death, he’d be so honoured that his Testicular Cancer experience is raising awareness and hopefully giving light to others via raising funds for charity. When the funeral directors asked me the name of a charity for people to donate to after his death, I chose The Oddballs Foundation. So many of our friends, family and colleagues now get their underwear from Oddballs, over the weekend one of his school friends completed her first triathlon and the little boy who was ring bearer at a wedding (he’s not so little any more!) will be running Scarfell Pike. Because of the significance of the date, they also chose to raise money for The Oddballs Foundation in his memory. He’d be so honoured.

But above all else, I know without question that this philosophy he strongly felt about finding light after darkness, the strength he displayed when living with his cancer and the character he showed after he was given the all-clear is something that has stayed with me to this day. I can’t, and won’t, let the darkness beat me. The strongest man in the world taught me that. I will always continue to look for the light. And I will do it because of, and for him.   

When I grow up, I’m going to marry Jason Donovan…

I’ll admit from the outset that this blog is slightly different to all my other posts so far. But when I said I was going to start writing a blog about my rollercoaster life, a friend of mine said that she hoped I’d use it to tell more of my life story. Not just the post COVID story. To tell people more about Emma. And to answer the question which I think more than one person has wondered. Just what is behind the infatuation with Jason Donovan?? So, as it’s his birthday today, it felt like a nice time to tell this story…

I think I was seven years old when I made the momentous life decision that when I grew up, I was going to marry Jason Donovan. Seven years old, totally bought into the Scott and Charlene love story in Neighbours so that when the transition to music happened, I was there ready and waiting with my pocket money! Now I work in marketing, I can see that I would have been a marketer’s dream. And it’s also since becoming a parent that I can see how I must have driven my parents insane with this adoration. The Ten Good Reasons album was the album of choice for any day trip, and I still know which song would be playing as we arrived at Dymchurch Beach. I knew this meant that on the way home we’d have to turn the cassette over! (Yes, I am that old that I remember cassettes). My bedroom wall was covered in posters. I’d buy all the records. I’d buy all the magazines. I had the Straight From The Heart board game (still own this). Everything was helping me prepare for growing up and marrying him. I don’t think anyone actually had the heart to break it to me that this wouldn’t happen.

So, when he was cast in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat, it was the height of excitement for me. Except my mum told me that she couldn’t afford the tickets. I was heartbroken. Little did I know that a few months later; on what I thought was just a day trip to London; her and my godmother would present me with tickets. I could barely eat all day. The excitement was too much to bear. At the end of the show, I stood outside the stage door for just over three and a half hours. This was the start of my stage door stalking that continues to this day. A girl next to me said that her friend was at the front of the queue and passed my autograph book forward. When it was given back to me, the autograph was in there. The excitement was palpable. It became my most treasured possession. Although now when I look at it and compare it to other autographs I’ve seen him sign, I can’t help but wonder if it was actually her friend who signed it…

And then the fall from grace. Jason Donovan was no longer winning all the awards. He was no longer the big pop star. It was no longer cool to like him. I remember going to Woolworths (again, showing my age), picking up Mission of Love and a group of teenage girls next to me sniggered and laughed that I was buying it. It was the first time I really became conscious of what other people thought and the impact it could have. I think it undoubtedly played a part in me trying to fit in and be like everyone else for so much of my teenage life and my 20s. I didn’t like the feeling of being laughed at for liking something different or that wasn’t perceived as cool. First boyfriends weren’t told about this secret love affair of mine (didn’t want to scare them off). My liking of Jason Donovan became a closely guarded secret so that people wouldn’t think I was weird.

But deep down inside, I was still a fan. And when I was 17, I met him for the first time. He was appearing in The Rocky Horror Show in Canterbury. My friend; who I’d become friends with because she had pictures of him on her folder when we started at secondary school; and I went with my mum. I vividly remember saying before we went that if he was horrible at the stage door, that would it be. It would be over. We waited nervously. But when he came out, he saw that there was a girl in a wheelchair at the stage door waiting. He went straight over. He knelt to her level. He spoke to her. He spoke to each and every one of us. He gave us his time. Over 20 years later, the impact of that evening stays with me. Despite having just performed on stage, Jason gave us his time and showed kindness. To anyone who’s read my previous blogs, you’ll know how important kindness is to me. The love affair was still on.

And then the wilderness years. We all know why. But in 2006, Jason returned to our TV screens in I’m A Celebrity. Mr C and I were in New York for some of the series. I set the video to record (yes, a video tape!) to watch when we got back. Poor Mr C, this was about to be his first real experience of what was to come over the subsequent years of our marriage. Jason was back. I was there at the comeback tour the following year making me join a camping trip with friends a day late. I wasn’t missing this! It was such an enjoyable evening and took me straight back to my seven year old self (although if you happen to see the DVD, there’s some very amusing footage of me looking beyond starstruck when he comes into the audience…)

Over the subsequent years, Jason started doing more TV, more theatre and just generally being more of a presence again. I tried counting up how many times I’d seen him and failed. I’m sure I will work this out one day! I’ve been on the most epic trip to Butlins with friends to see him. So much laughing. So much fun. It was the best weekend EVER, despite me coming home with the nickname “Jasonzilla” because, apparently, I turned into a bit of monster to make sure we were there on time and right at the front of the stage to see him. A claim I vehemently deny to this day. I’ve danced on stage in an Australian hat with my friends and family in the opening song of Act 2 of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. It’s not even a guilty pleasure any more, I’m quite open about all of this now. It’s led to more of my family and friends winding me up about this obsession. There are the jokes about the injunction order. I’ve even got one friend who is convinced that whenever Jason finds out I’m in the building via my over excitable tweets or front row seats, there’s a call to security “code red, code red, she’s here again.”

But why am I still like this over 30 years since my first declaration of love? The memory of how genuine he was the first time I met him has stayed with me. It’s resulted in many more occasions waiting at the stage door. And throughout it all, Jason has been a true gent. Every single time. If he’s too busy to talk or take photos at the stage door, he tells us. He’s honest and upfront. He’s genuine. He makes time for his fans. To the point that when he was the compere at an event my company was sponsoring and I stealthily stalked him, he took a selfie of the two of us for me. Why? Because I was so excited, I simply couldn’t make my thumb work to press the button. At a critical moment to get an amazing picture, I couldn’t make my thumb work. That evening was the first time one of my colleagues had properly met me. She’s gone on to become a fabulous friend, but nearly six years later, I’m still staggered she speaks to me. She spent most of the evening with me being a quivering wreck. I also remember sending the selfie Jason had taken to Mr C. His response was simply “That poor man.” No compliments on what an amazing photo it was, just three words. Harsh, in my opinion. But despite how much Mr C mocked me, he secretly liked how much I’d become more open about the adoration. He liked that I no longer felt the need to hide it.

And over the last few years, with the advent of social media, I’ve even had the odd tweet or two from Jason himself. I can’t begin to explain how excited I get when these notifications pop up on my phone!! Social media has also meant I’ve been able to connect with more like-minded Jason fans. I don’t really know what you call a group of Jason fans (I suspect Mr C would have suggested Nutters, Crazy Women or something equally flattering) but I genuinely feel I could meet these women for a drink and it would be like we’ve known each other for years. Equally, social media has led to conversations with the lovely Ange, Jason’s wife. I sometimes wonder how she puts us up with us all fawning over her husband, but she does so with such good grace. And on more than one occasion has made me laugh out loud with her responses! But above all else, the kindness and support shown to me from each and every one of these people over the past 15 months, including the main man himself, has meant so very much. They’ve been there for me every step of the way, even arranging for Jason to send me a tweet the day after I was told the next 24-48 hours were critical for Mr C. There’s been other little nice touches too, none of which would have taken any time or cost anything, but each of them has meant the absolute world. We come back to that word again. Kindness.

So, as I come to the end of this blog, I hope I’ve answered the question I posed at the start. What is behind the infatuation with Jason Donovan? Quite simply, he’s just so lovely! But in all seriousness, I feel like he’s been there for me at every stage of my life. Because listening to his music takes me back to a time when life was simple, and I didn’t have a care in the world. I need that at times. Because he’s helped me realise that it doesn’t matter if you’re not the coolest. It doesn’t matter if you like something that means you don’t quite fit in. That’s ok. The girls in Woolworths wouldn’t bother me now. Because he’s shown that when it comes down to it, all that matters is that you’re kind, genuine and true to yourself. Whoever you are. Whether you’re famous or not. And that is one of the most invaluable lessons you can ever be taught.