Tag: Grief

Are you ready for Christmas?

Various images related to Emma Charlesworth’s family including memory bears and Christmas decorations

It’s a question we all hear time and time again at this time of year, isn’t it? Are you ready for Christmas? On paper this should be a no-brainer of an answer for me. I buy presents throughout the year when I see things which I think people would like (I realised I was turning into my mother when I started a present box in the loft), I have a spreadsheet which details who I’m giving what to, I started wrapping and writing cards in November (partly because I went into denial in the run up to the launch of my book and needed a distraction) and I’m usually Little Miss Organised.

But I guess the bigger question is this. When one of the activities you do in December is take your daughter to put flowers at her dad’s memorial bench, are you ever really ready for Christmas?

Don’t get me wrong. My daughter and I are worlds away from the utter despair we were feeling in the run up to Christmas 2020. Last night we got a Chinese takeaway for the two of us for the first time ever (she’s never really liked it, but when I said I really fancied one, said she would try it). Our fortune cookie felt quite poignant, so much so that she even she commented on its pertinence: “Do not lose heart, things will improve with the years.”

When I look back now, that first Christmas after my late husband died was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. My daughter was adamant that we had to decorate the house as Daddy had always done, I personally couldn’t have cared less. We fought so much trying to sort out the boxes. It was beyond painful. Even the arrival of decorations for our trees made from some of my late husband’s ashes and a blanket and memory bear made from his Christmas attire (for the month of December, you’d seldom see him wear anything other than a Christmas jumper, t-shirt or cardigan) didn’t really make a difference. These items were lovely, don’t get me wrong, but they were just a reminder that he was no longer here.

Somehow, we made it through that first Christmas. In a way, I think it probably helped that we were under lockdown, we couldn’t see anyone other than our support bubble. I didn’t have to go into the office or attend countless Christmas events with everyone feeling jolly. It seems crazy now to think I’m about to face my sixth Christmas without my late husband. Has it got easier to manage? Yes. Do I still get a pang every year? Also, yes.  

Over the past few years, my daughter and I have done a variety of different things for Christmas. From spending the day at my mum and stepdad’s house, running away to New York to reset things a little bit to hiding away just the two of us in Christmas PJs. We haven’t cracked a magic formula for how to survive the festive period. Other than to do what works for us in that year.

Because this is our reality of being a widow, solo parent and bereaved child at Christmas. There isn’t a normal Christmas anymore. And thanks to the quintessential Christmas movies, the questions about being ready for Christmas and what we’re doing over this period, this time of year just hammers home even more that someone is missing. Especially someone who was, essentially, Mr Christmas. Every year as I get the 4,000 boxes out of the loft containing all the decorations he loved and as I put them back after Christmas, I swear and moan. You’ll often hear me saying “stupid dead husband leaving me with all the stupid Christmas boxes” as I’m passing them to my mum and stepdad. Because this is also my reality, for me to get ready for Christmas I usually enlist help from others. I can’t do it all by myself. And that’s weird.

It’s a conversation I had with a friend of mine recently, when she said that if I need any help, I only have to ask. She’s right. I am exceptionally lucky with all the help that is afforded to me but the thing I said to her that is one of the biggest struggles at this time of year is that there’s no tag teaming, no partner to do the everyday chores such as emptying the dishwasher or putting the bins out when I’m doing the various different Christmassy things that need doing. Or vice versa.

Recently my daughter had her Christmas dance show which involved a rehearsal on the Saturday and three shows on the Sunday, an entire weekend in December essentially wiped out. Now. I could say that I’m no longer going to chaperone, that I’ll drop her off, go and watch one show and give myself time at home. But the simple fact is that running her around to rehearsals, being a chaperone and being involved with the dance shows is something I’ve been doing since she was three years old, I don’t mind doing it in the slightest. The difference now is that trade off, for me to continue doing it, I can’t do other things. They slip. Because I simply can’t do everything by myself.

This trade off means for the first time since at least 2008 (it might even be longer) I’m working between Christmas and New Year. I’ve needed to take holiday to take my daughter to college open days and auditions lately which means that using another three days holiday before the end of the year almost feels like a waste. I completely acknowledge that this is a first world problem. I am, after all, fortunate to be in employment and facing this trade off. But it’s still one that I’m only really having to face because of widowhood. Her anxiety and nerves mean she wants a parent to be there with her looking around the college, dropping her off and picking up for auditions which is completely understandable. However, when you only have one parent, you have to acknowledge that there’ll be a trade off for Mum doing that as to when else she can take holiday.

Instead, I’ve taken a couple of days off this week, all with the view of taking some time for us and getting ready for Christmas. We kicked it off with a day in London with friends on Saturday, I lit a candle for my late husband at the Remember Me memorial in St Paul’s Cathedral and we had the sort of day he would have loved.

But getting ready for Christmas for me also means getting ready for life and catching up with the chores and admin. Monday saw my daughter relaxing and watching Christmas movies, so I spent many hours doing the ironing. Something I simply haven’t had a chance to do in weeks because of December doing its thing. Or December “December-ing” as I said to someone recently. I mean, I’m not going to moan about ironing while swooning over Jude Law in The Holiday but his speech about being a widower hits a little differently now. The words “it’s way too complicated to be who I really am, I’m a full-time dad, I’m a working parent, I’m a mother and a father” hit a nerve. Without fail, every Christmas since being widowed, I sit there crying when he starts this speech. While my daughter sits there eye-rolling and laughing at me, because in her opinion, it’s not sad. I completely appreciate why she says this; I don’t think I’d have found it as sad as I do now or cried six years ago, but I do now. Because it’s real for me. Widowhood is a constant trade off and battle of trying to figure out how to live your own life and be you, while still parenting and doing a lot of what you always did when there were two of you. And it’s tiring. And it’s hard.

Tonight, I’m also doing something that I would never have been doing had I not been widowed. I’m co-hosting a New Member Zoom for WAY Widowed and Young. These run every Wednesday and Saturday and the Christmas period is no different. There are zooms being held tomorrow for any members who may need that support. Because we all know that this time of year is exceptionally tough for anyone who has been bereaved.

My daughter and I had a chat about it before I volunteered to do the session tonight, I was acutely aware it’s taking place on Christmas Eve and it’s not an easy day for her either. Yet her view was that she can find things to do for a couple of hours and it’s a good thing for me to be able to offer that support to others who were feeling like we were in 2020. The empathy she has as a teenager is something you only get when your whole world has been turned upside down and you’ve gone through a life changing event. It’s both touching and heartbreaking in equal measure.

As I sit here now, if someone was to ask if I’m ready for Christmas, I can probably say that I am. The food shops have been done, the presents have been wrapped, the cards have been written, everything has been delivered that needed to be, the decorations have been put up and the out of office is on. The life-min is fairly up to date and I’m sort of feeling in control. Which isn’t a bad position to be in. Yet, there is also part of me who doubts that I’ll ever completely be 100% ready for Christmas. Because there will always be a part of my Christmas that is missing. No matter how efficient and organised I am.

Out now: Is Daddy Going to Be OK?

Various photos of Emma Charlesworth at the launch of her debut book Is Daddy Going to Be OK?

Wow. It’s taken me a few days to process what’s happened. 

I am now a published author. I held a book launch for family and friends. My book is on sale worldwide. 

And that’s why, despite being a writer, this is one the shortest blog posts I’ve ever written. Because I still don’t really have the words to explain what this means to me. They’ll come in time, I have no doubt about that. There’s so much I want to share about this whole process. 

But for now. I just want to say thank you to the following: 

  • All at Softwood Books for helping me with my vision and bringing this to life. 
  • Jemma at Click:Create Photography and Design for the beautiful and most perfect cover. 
  • Sheryl Findlay for your guidance, love, and support during our life coaching sessions while I was writing this. 
  • Everyone who has read my blogs, followed our story, and provided that virtual support.
  • Finally. My family, friends, colleagues, and all who have supported me and my daughter since 2020. There are far too many to name individually, but you know who you are.

For anyone who would like to buy a copy of Is Daddy Going to Be OK?, the links to various retailers are below:

The next chapter in my story

An image of the front cover for Is Daddy Going to Be OK? authored by Emma Charlesworth

Five and a half years ago today, on 19 April 2020, my husband died in a global pandemic. 

I write that because when you’re living it, there’s an element that you just survive. You can’t sit and think about it too much because it’s simply too huge. It’s overwhelming. 

When I went to bed on that fateful day, I had no idea what my future held. How I was meant to carry on. How I could raise my daughter without him. I’d never been an adult without him, how was I meant to start at the age of 39? 

A month later, after one of my honest Facebook posts, someone suggested I start writing a blog. I didn’t really know if I could or if I’d have anything to say. But after launching that blog in March 2021, I realised the power of sharing my story. 

Since that day, I’ve been asked countless times if I’m going to write a book. Again. I didn’t really know if I could or if I’d have anything to say. But at my team’s Christmas gathering in 2023, as we went round the group and spoke about what we were hoping to achieve in 2024, I told them I was going to write a book. 

On 22 September 2024, after being away at the Widowed and Young AGM and while having a coffee in the castle my nan spent five years in when she was evacuated in World War II, I wrote the last words of that book. 

I hadn’t quite anticipated what would follow. A return to therapy for me. A realisation of how much I hadn’t processed about my late husband’s death. Another bereavement which knocked me for six. A return to therapy for my daughter. My book felt like the least of my problems. It was written, if it never saw the light of day, did it really matter? 

Except deep down inside, I knew it did matter to me. So. Eventually, I started the process of trying to get it published. I’ve learnt so much this year about just what it takes to get a book published. But for the last few months, I’ve been working intently on making it a reality. And on today’s pertinent date, I’m thrilled, honoured and just a teeny bit scared to reveal more details. 

Is Daddy Going to Be OK? by Emma Charlesworth will be published in November. 

Wow. That statement is almost as sobering as saying my husband died in a global pandemic. 

I’ve done it. I’ve written a book. It’s going to be published. I wonder if I’ll look back in five and a half years and realise that today was the day that I finally took stock of what I’ve achieved? That I’ve spent so long writing, editing and making decisions about it, that I haven’t really reflected on just what it means to have not just written a book, but to have also published one. 

I’m so conscious that this will not be an easy read for so many people. That it might be incredibly painful. As with my thoughts when I launched my blog, I don’t actually know if anyone will read it. But what I do know is that since 19 April 2020, my aim has always been simple. To create a legacy for both my daughter and my late husband to make sure he never becomes a statistic of the pandemic. I hope in some small way, that this book helps me achieve that. 

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To Charlie

Various pictures from Emma Charlesworth’s wedding on 10th September 2025 and CharlieFest: Dress to impress

And so, we hit another one of those milestone dates. 20 years since I became a Charlesworth. I’d not really thought about the fact I’m always going to have ‘big’ milestones in the same year before today. Getting married in 2005 and Mr C dying in 2020 means I’m forever going to have anniversaries with five and zero in them in the same year.

It seems insane to me that our wedding was 20 years ago today. I’ve been joking at work that I was a child bride. But I wasn’t. I was 24. Which admittedly does seem incredibly young now. Especially when I consider my daughter will be that age in nine years. I can’t see her getting married then.

Yet I didn’t necessarily feel that young when we got married. We’d been apart while I was at university for the three months before I dropped out. We’d already lived through my late husband’s cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment. We’d split up for a few months. We’d bought a house. We’d been together for six years (bar the three months split). We’d faced things that some couples never face. And let’s not forget, while I was 24, my late husband was 31. A far more respectable age to get married.

I’ve been thinking back to that day a lot recently. Looking back at all the photos. Wondering where the heck my tiny waist went. Wondering how so many people who were there that day are no longer with us or a part of my life. Wondering how I ended up being widowed before I even hit my 15th wedding anniversary.

Because that’s the thing isn’t it? When you’re stood at the front of the church and say the words “till death do us part,” you don’t actually think it will happen before you’re old and grey. So given the amount of grey hair I’ve acquired since 2020, now would be a far more apt time for this to happen. But putting levity aside for a second, I simply didn’t expect my marriage to be over in the eyes of the law by the time I was 39. Mr C, however, always told me that he’d never be an old man so maybe he did have a sixth sense that this might happen. Maybe this is why he lived life to the full so much and put his heart and soul into everything. Because he knew that his time on earth wouldn’t be as long as most of us expect it to be. I wish I could ask him.

There’s a lot I wish I could ask him to be honest. I’m collating a list for that day when I can finally go through it with him. He might want to go into hiding when the inevitable happens for me! But this one of the things I’ve struggled with the most since he died. Not having that person to ask when you’re doubting yourself. That person to sanity check things with. That person who is by your side and loves you through the good times and the bad. I’ve said before that I’d never been an adult without him having begun our relationship just before my 18th birthday party, and it really did feel like this when he died. How the hell was I meant to do this adulting malarkey by myself?

If I’m honest, I still don’t really know how I’m doing it. Except I’m not really doing it by myself am I? I have a wealth of support around me and in that respect, I’m incredibly lucky. The love and support that have been afforded to me and our daughter is something he would be incredibly thankful for. I think he’d have been just as surprised as me at the people who have been there for us and the people who are no longer part of our lives, but I’ve learnt that’s just a part of this grief process. You lose people along the way. They don’t know how to respond to you so it’s easier to just back off. I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy making sense of this, but the simple fact is this. I’m not the same person I was at the start of March 2020. Mrs Emma Charlesworth suddenly stopped filling in forms as “married” and had to start ticking “widowed.” How could she possibly stay the same? When something as fundamental as this happens to you, it changes you. You can’t be who you were before. You have been broken and damaged in a way that barely anyone could ever comprehend. It happened to a certain extent to Mr C when he fought cancer, it changed him. He’d been through something life changing and it made him reassess a lot.

But the wealth of support that my daughter and I have was evident at CharlieFest: Dress to Impress last weekend. The fundraising event I held to mark our 20th wedding anniversary. There was so much love in the room for Mr C as well as for my daughter and me. I knew that. The moment I stood behind the microphone and did a speech, I looked out at my family and our friends and could see it. It was particularly special to me that both our best man and matron of honour were there. The friend who did a reading at the wedding. The friend who sang at the wedding. I might not have had my husband there, but I did have people there who were an integral part of that day on 10th September 2005. That meant a heck of a lot.

I recently wrote about how this event felt more personal to me than the previous ones I’d run. It wasn’t just celebrating him; it was celebrating our marriage. And I think fittingly, it probably represented all aspects of our marriage. In the run up to it, I felt broken and teary. I felt that I was letting him down. These were emotions I’d felt at times throughout our marriage too, because of all the pressure I put on myself. Because of the real life getting in the way. There was no idyllic, happily ever after marriage for us. We had to work at it. As so many people do. There were times we both felt like giving up. Again, I felt like that in the run up to the event, I felt like giving up and cancelling it. But I didn’t. I’d love to say it was dogged determination, but the truth is, I didn’t cancel it because of our daughter. She kept faith that it would be a good event and became my glamorous assistant at getting everything done.

One of the aspects I struggled with the most was the numbers, again slightly reminiscent of our wedding when we had to chase for RSVPs! But when my daughter and I had this conversation for the umpteenth time recently, she simply said “What matters is that it’s the right people. You don’t need lots of people to have fun, just the right people who want to be there.” Saturday night proved she was right. The right people were there, and a lot of fun was had. There were nods to him throughout the entire evening, we had stars from CBeebies and our local pantomime there (which he would have loved!), his influence was felt in the music that was played, and it was simply everything it needed to be. We’ve raised money again for the Intensive Care Unit who did so much for him in the last three weeks of his life. It’s a heck of a legacy he’s left.

And as I sit here now and reflect on this anniversary, it’s very bizarre for me. Overnight I went from being one half of Mr and Mrs Charlesworth to simply being Mrs Charlesworth. Trust me. Going to his cousin’s wedding and hearing lots of people toast Mr and Mrs Charlesworth in 2022 stung a bit. Hadn’t mentally prepared myself for that one. But now I don’t really think of myself as Mrs Charlesworth. I’m Emma Charlesworth. I’m a Charlesworth and despite everything that has happened, I’m proud to be one. My daughter is a Charlesworth. Today will always be the anniversary of the day that I became a Charlesworth and started a new chapter in my life. I will always fondly look back on the opening of the anniversary pig (all the small change coins we’d saved over the year) and seeing what we’d accumulated to pay for an anniversary celebration. I will always think about our 10th wedding anniversary when the boy did good and whisked me away to Brighton to a room with rose petals on the bed and a sauna in the room. I will always remember our fourth wedding anniversary when we had our 20-week scan of our daughter. We always celebrated this day. I will always continue to remember and mark it.

But today, as is often the case with grief and time moving forwards, I haven’t made a big thing of it. Today I’ve worked. I’ve done the school runs. I’ve done the dancing runs. I’ve dropped off some Vinted parcels. My daughter and I grabbed a spot of fast food. She then treated me to a McFlurry. It’s incredibly different to the day I should have had today. I know the boy would have done good again and booked something for us.

It’s why I wanted to do something good on Saturday. It was my turn to mark the turning of another decade since 10th September 2005. The love I still have for our marriage and for him. The love I have for all those chapters of my story that we wrote together.

And as I made my speech, thanked Mr C for everything he gave to me and the friends I now have because of him, I knew I was going to raise a toast. But this wasn’t going to be a toast to Emma and Charlie as it should have been for a gathering to mark a 20th wedding anniversary. No, the toast I raised was “To Charlie.” No-one in the room realised the significance of those words when then said them. They will shortly though. And it’s why I said them again this evening. I poured myself a gin in the Dartington Crystal gin glasses I treated myself to five years ago to mark our 15th, and my first, anniversary without him. I raised two toasts. One to Mr and Mrs Charlesworth to celebrate our marriage. The other, a repeat of those two words, because without it, I’m not convinced I’d have had the strength to keep going without him. Ironic really. Throughout our relationship, I doubt either of us really realised that somehow, he was helping me to prepare and learn to do the one thing that would have felt incomprehensible. To survive, live and thrive without him. I’ll be eternally grateful and love Mr Charlesworth for that. No two ways about it.

After all this time? Always.

On my own

Various pictures of Emma Charlesworth and her family from 2005 to present.

It’s probably no surprise that the title of this blog is linked to Les Misérables. For someone who at the start of 2024 said “I don’t really feel the need to see it again,” it’s somehow become part of my life. I didn’t envisage when I made this statement that I’d be seeing it in London, Aberdeen, Manchester and Abu Dhabi. I certainly didn’t envisage that I’d be watching my daughter in the one of the lead roles. And of course. None of the songs are triggering or make me cry. Nope. Not even one. 

The local production which my daughter was in recently involved an intense two-week rehearsal schedule. The venue for these rehearsals was about a five-minute drive from where Mr C used to work. The irony was not lost on me. There was me getting up at 4:30am so that I could drive to a local train station, get an early train into work and leave the office early to pick her up. Meanwhile, my mum and stepdad had to drop her on those days so that she could get there. And then on the days I wasn’t in the office, I did both drop off and pick up. I don’t begrudge this in the slightest, I’m her mum and I knew that her anxiety wouldn’t cope with her getting the train, but it still felt like a military mission to organise. All the while knowing that if I wasn’t a widow, this wouldn’t have been the case. Mr C could have done the drop off and pick up on his way to and from work. Again. Pure conjecture and speculation because I don’t actually know where he’d be working, but the crux of the matter is this. It wouldn’t have been solely down to me to orchestrate all of the running around. 

My daughter was phenomenal. No other word for it. Even if I wasn’t a particular fan of watching her be a prostitute. Or the moment when she died, and they covered her with a sheet. Her being cast as Fantine was never going to be an easy watch! But I don’t really have the words to articulate just how proud and emotional I felt watching her. Seeing her living her best life on that stage. I could only begin to imagine just what her dad would have felt seeing her up there. And I know he was playing heavily on her mind during the performances too. There was an issue with her microphone during one of the shows that I wasn’t watching, and I got a little voice note from her saying how much she wanted a dad hug. Our everyday lives continue to be impacted by his death. Her dad wasn’t there to scoop her up at the end of that show and give her that hug. Missing him at those really important moments. 

And as well as missing him and running round like a loon, it was during this rehearsal schedule that I received my first ever speeding ticket. I knew I was running a little bit late that morning but hadn’t realised I was going fractionally over the speed limit. I completely own it. I was the one driving that morning and I must have just taken my eye off the ball for a split second. But as I sat there reading the letter that was sent out, it made me stop and think. Was this actually a metaphor for me to slow down a little bit in life more generally? 

I’ve lost count recently of how many times I’ve heard “you’re doing too much” and “I don’t know how you do it.” But as I’ve felt so often since my late husband died, I don’t really feel I have a choice. I can’t sit back and do nothing just because he died. I still have to work and commute to an office three days a week, I have bills to pay. I still have to raise our child. I still have to do the housework, finances and all that comes with being a homeowner. Yes. I could just focus on these aspects of my life but why should I? Why shouldn’t I try to forge a life and map out a future for me? 

You see, this is the other thought that is regularly crossing my mind. I’m rapidly approaching a time when I’m going to be on my own. Change is coming and I have to start thinking about my future as ‘Emma’ rather than ‘Mum’ and planning for it. My daughter starts Year 11 when she returns to school in September and will be taking GCSEs in 2026. If all goes to plan, she’ll be leaving school following this to go to college. After that, there’ll be the next phase in her life, and she’ll in theory be heading off to do a degree. And what happens to me then? If all I’ve done is work and raise her, what do I then do in 2028? Both of these would be a heck of an achievement in themselves given all we’ve been through; I don’t deny that; but I can’t help but feel I need to future proof my life too. 

Granted. When it comes to futureproofing, there might have been an easier and less demanding way to do this. But I have to do it in a way that works for me and by doing something I’m passionate about. I was absolutely honoured to have been appointed as a Trustee for Widowed and Young in July and I’m looking forward to seeing what I can achieve in this role. In December 2023 I said I was going to write a book and that has now been written. I have been working with the team at Softwood Books to bring this to life and I’m excited to see what this brings. But both of these require my time and energy. Which is why I can see why people tell me I’m doing too much. In a way I no doubt am. But it’s easy to say that when you haven’t been through what I have. When you haven’t had your future completely decimated. 

Becoming a widow at the age of 39 wasn’t on the future plan when I was growing up. And that’s why I push myself. I’ve had one future ripped away from me. I can’t bear the thought of not having a new one to look forward to. For such a long time, the future was overwhelming. It scared me to look beyond the next day. But now I have to think about it. Because as my daughter starts to enter the next phase of her life, she’ll no longer need me in the same way she has. And then what becomes of me? It’s a thought that crosses my mind on such a regular basis. What happens to me? Empty nest syndrome is such a common feeling for millions of people but for me it’s going to hit that little bit differently. I really will be on my own when that happens. 

Because I’ve recently been thinking about whether she and I are too co-dependent on each other. The circumstances regarding our bereavement no doubt forced us to be. In the first year after Mr C died, she was only in school for four months. No-one stepped foot inside our house for nearly three months after he died and even then, it was very minimal. I didn’t have to commute to London. We didn’t really have to navigate a social life. We became quite insular. It did pretty much feel like it was Team Charlesworth against the world. I think the two of us supported each other and held each other up in ways that we didn’t even realise we were doing. She became my sole reason for getting out of bed each day. I became her one constant in life. We’d both lost our other one constant, it was instinctive to cling to the one remaining. 

I guess I’ve found myself being a lot more reflective this August than I normally would be. I hadn’t really realised why until I broke a little bit at work last week. I was feeling the strain of being a solo parent. Of juggling so much. Of not having that one person who could step in to pick up the slack when needed. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like a widow. That might sound daft given I’ve been living this life for five years now, but when you’re just living your life and you’ve become accustomed to living with grief every day, you sometimes forget to give yourself a little bit of kindness. Of remembering the magnitude of everything you’ve gone through and what’s led you to where you are in your life. I was so lucky that a colleague accompanied me for a walk to help me clear my head but when I said to her “what would have been my 20th wedding anniversary is fast approaching,” I heard my voice crack. 

I haven’t really thought about just how significant this wedding anniversary was going to be. For the past few years, I’ve referred to the date as the anniversary of the day I became a Charlesworth. I’ve found it hard to refer to it as a wedding anniversary as I no longer feel married. I was. There is no denying it. I don’t want to. But I’m not married now. Every widow is different, but for me, I’m not married. I’m on my own. I’m widowed. Just writing that is hard. I battled with the phrase widow for a very long time. Now it’s a part of my identity. 

This time 20 years ago I was just over two weeks away from getting married. While I didn’t know exactly what the future was going to look like, I had a pretty good idea. I never envisaged my husband dying in a global pandemic just over 14 years later. That being a widow would become a part of my identity. The Friday of the August Bank Holiday weekend in 2005 saw the start of my hen weekend celebrations. A night out in Maidstone before heading to Bournemouth for the rest of the weekend. Full of hope. Full of plans. Some realised. Others not. 

I knew quite early on that I’d need to mark this anniversary. And so, I chose to think of a way to celebrate his life. To celebrate the marriage I did have. CharlieFest: Dress to Impress is how I decided to do that. To once again raise funds for the Intensive Care Unit at Medway Maritime Hospital. The unit who worked so tirelessly to care for him in the last three weeks of his life. Oh yes, did I forget to mention that I’m planning an event as well as working full time, becoming a Trustee and publishing a book? And I wonder why people tell me I do too much. 

If I’m honest. This event has become like a second full time job. Even more so than the previous two I’ve held. Everything about this year has felt harder. The cost of living. The ticket sales. The raffle ticket sales. People not seeing my social media posts because of the algorithm. The posts in local Facebook groups which are left as pending. The organisation of it and unexpected changes. All of which take their toll. Those nagging thoughts that plague me have become a bit more prevalent over the past few weeks. Do people care less about what happened to us now? Are people sitting there thinking “dear god, is she still banging on about her dead husband?” I think back to the previous ones I’ve held and wonder if I asked for help more or if people offered their help more freely? Probably a combination of the two in all honesty. Lives move on. People are busy. With all I have going on, I just have to get things done when I can. And if I’m honest, there is something about this event that I feel even more responsible for. It feels even more personal. It’s not just a fundraising event in memory of my late husband. It’s also in memory of our marriage and everything we had. 

I look at the current confirmed attendee list. It’s a very different list to the guest list for our wedding. People attending who never even met him. People not attending who were a huge part of his life and our married life. A sign of how times change. How lives move on. Again. I’ve wondered what the invite list would have looked like had we been hosting a 20th wedding anniversary party together. I’ll never know, but this is a prime example of something that affects me as a widow, and me alone. It comes back to that sentiment of being on my own. In so many ways, I am with my grief. I don’t for one second underestimate the impact of my late husband’s death on others, but how many other people are still having their day to day lives and routines impacted by it? How many others live with so many pertinent dates and reminders that only affect them? Who else said the words “til death do us part” only to have that become a reality far sooner than it should have been?

Yet as I have so many times since 2020, I can’t let myself dwell on thoughts like this. They don’t do me any favours. I had my moment last week. I didn’t ignore it or try to battle through it. I gave myself permission to feel how I was feeling. I joined a virtual Widowed and Young meeting to just vent with others who get it. It’s the first time for a while I’ve done that, be a member, be a widow and admit that this life is crap at times. I don’t have a bad life by any stretch of the imagination, but it is hard. And I knew that once I’d said out loud how I was feeling, I’d feel better. That’s exactly what happened. 

So, for now, I’m going to focus on the positives. I’m going to look for the little glimmers. The memories of my hen do this weekend 20 years ago. The memories of my marriage. All we achieved during those 14 years. 

The greatest achievement of all being our daughter. When I’ve had my moments questioning myself lately, she’s been the one to rationalise and talk sense into me. The one reminding me to focus on what we will achieve in two weeks to celebrate him and all that we had. All the donations made in his memory and the amount of money we’ve raised to help others in the last five years. 

But above all else. She is the best reminder I have of the future. Because whatever my future entails, whatever I chose to do with it, however I choose to manage being on my own, the parenting and love we both gave her; and I’ve continued to do; has led her to the point of being able to plan her future and what comes next. She has so many exciting tomorrows ahead of her. And I hope I do too. As she herself sang in Les Misérables the other week: 

“It is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes.”

 

Talk you down

Various pictures of Emma Charlesworth taken during the Jason Donovan Doin’ Fine 2025 Tour

It’s been a couple of years since I wrote a blog to mark Jason Donovan’s birthday (although, apparently, it’s more importantly Tom Holland’s birthday before my daughter moans at me!) But 2025 has been a bit of a special year. So, I couldn’t let today go without writing something.

You see, 2025 saw the Doin’ Fine 25 Tour take place. I’m not entirely sure how it happened, but I ended up with six dates between February and March. My daughter on multiple occasions would simply look at me and say “excessive.” It became a running joke at work as to what I was doing of an evening or weekend. I even had a message from someone who follows me on Instagram asking if I do PR for Jason because of my posts. I mean, I don’t but if there’s an opening for this position I’ll happily apply!

But what most people didn’t realise was just how much I needed this tour during this time this year. To be perfectly honest, I hadn’t realised it until it came to it. In my head I was just doing the dates in those three months because it just so happened that those were the ones I’d booked. I hadn’t quite thought about how the impact those three months would been having on me.

From late February onwards, the five-year anniversary of the pandemic, my late husband falling ill and dying just felt like they were hanging over me. I became acutely aware of the dates in a way that I hadn’t really been since 2021. Don’t get me wrong, I know all the important and pertinent dates like the back of my hand, but there was just something about this year which felt like a milestone. A real marker in the sand. I turned the calendar over to March and it was almost as though my body knew. One week it manifested itself in sheer and utter exhaustion. I fell asleep on the train home from the office. I was asleep on the sofa by 8:30pm. I wasn’t really able to concentrate on anything. My patience was thinner than normal. My temper was shorter than normal.

It almost felt in a way that I was leading a double life. The weekends and evenings at the Jason concerts when I could live a life where I didn’t have a care in the world and was transported back to my seven-year-old self when I first decreed that I was going to marry Jason when I grew up. The rest of the time I was that young, widowed, working mother of one who was juggling the enormity of all that had happened to her against the backdrop of her daily life. But I guess that is my life to some extent. It’s the reality of grief. You will grieve forever. You will never get over it. But you do learn to live with it. You do learn to have it as part of your daily life. Most of the time I’ve become quite adept at living with my grief but sometimes it just takes hold and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.

But this tour. This tour. I don’t even really know where to begin. Except I do really. I begin with that random woman from Twitter. That random woman who in 2021 was so very kind to me and meant that we finally met in person after years of fangirling over that Australian on Twitter. I still remember walking into that pub to meet her and wondering just what the heck we’d find to talk about. Or whether it would be the most awkward meeting ever. I needn’t have worried though for she and I clicked instantly. I knew she was my sort of person even though in so many ways we are the complete opposite of each other. It’s the biggest juxtaposition really. I genuinely believe I’d never have met her had my late husband not died. I wouldn’t have her as a friend yet I’m so sad that he never met her. I can’t help but wonder at times if he sent her to me. Admittedly, the drunken video calls I receive when she’s singing Too Many Broken Hearts might have elicited a few eye rolls but even so.

This tour was the first time we’ve done multiple dates on a tour together. Up until this point we’ve done theatre shows and one-off gigs but never a tour. Our excessiveness started off with an intimate gig in Bishops Stortford (oh how we amused ourselves on the group chat about getting intimate with Jason!) but it was such a fab evening. Although. The North-South divide was very apparent when she moaned on the train about people being rude in London and then proceeded to talk to other poor commuters who just wanted a quiet journey and to go home. But this was our first insight into the fun the two of us have going to concerts together. Oh, how we laughed. Oh, how we danced. Oh, how we fan-girled over Sophie (his singer). The set-list just hit the mark. I wasn’t expecting a Cliff Richard song to be included or to be video calling my mum (as I went on to do every time I saw him sing this apart from the night she was there too!) But there was one little song that I don’t think anyone had been expecting him to include. A lot of the audience may not have even heard of this song, but it’s one called Talk You Down. It quickly became our song. The lyrics are just so pertinent about no judgement, how there isn’t a right and wrong, but that no matter what happens, the person will be there to Talk You Down. And that’s exactly what we do for each other. As well as all the good times, there’s been tough ones too. We’ve cried on each other. And we’ve got each other’s backs.

I mentioned in my previous blog about my mental health and how I knew when I was back to being me. And it was on 3 March in a bar near the London Palladium. It was our second night on the tour, and we (obviously!) went for a Bottomless Brunch first. Except it wasn’t really a brunch. As it was at dinner time. Honestly. But as she used the words “cool” and “mint” to describe how I looked that evening, I looked at the photo and I saw it. The sparkle was back. Despite being at the start of the month that was to prove so very difficult for me, I could see it. I was back to looking as I had in that photo I’d taken seven months earlier when we’d been away to see Jason in Derby. It really does feel at times that everything always comes back to Jason.

And just a few days later my long-suffering sister and I headed to York. With the group WhatsApp messages printed ready to be signed. The WhatsApp messages that said she really couldn’t do a Meet and Greet. That she couldn’t justify it. Swiftly followed by messages saying they had accidentally been bought… But travelling up north seems to never be without drama and as we were diverted off the A1 into Kansas (or at least that’s what it felt like, we were completely anticipating ending up in Oz) our journey once again turned into about a nine day one. But we made it. Eventually.

The following day I was a geek walking round York taking in the sights and the history. Our table for brunch said “Bottomless Hotties.” We found Paddington. We had such a lovely day. And as we arrived at the Barbican, my nerves kicked in. Randomly. I realised I hadn’t spoken to Jason since October 2022 at the stage door at Grease. I panicked as to what I would say to him. 43 years old and suddenly behaving like that seven-year-old again! But I needn’t have worried. I got my hug. I got things signed. I had a lovely chat. And within seconds my Facebook profile photo was updated. Without so much as a second thought. A far cry from all the agonising over doing this I’d faced in 2021. While I’m not convinced time heals, it does make a difference. And that’s all you can really ask for.

Two weeks later came the next date. Liverpool. Quite possibly my favourite date of the whole tour. But this was a date that in the week leading up to had felt a little uncertain. My daughter had been unwell. My mum had had an operation cancelled after she too fell ill. The solo parent guilt kicked in. I just didn’t know if I could go away. Whether it was the right thing to do. This is the constant juggle I face. The guilt when I do things for me because I’m the only parent my daughter has. The buck stops with me. But after talking with friends and my daughter, I was convinced to go.

And I’m so incredibly glad I did. It was just a perfect weekend. The sort of weekend that money can’t buy. I wasn’t nervous in the queue to meet him this time. But I’d never have expected that when we did go in to meet him that I’d have ended up saying something a tad inappropriate that meant I got “Emmaaaaaaa” shouted at me! But the photos that were taken just sum it up. They might not be the best photos. They might be slightly blurry. But my word do they show how much fun we were having. I’m so thankful to Tasmin, Jason’s tour manager who captured them for us. Epitome of happiness right there.

No-one watching me that weekend would have actually known that at the back of my mind was the date. 22 March. That it was five years since my late husband first noticed he had a temperature. Since he made his final ever Facebook post. I was so conscious of it. But again. Being away and seeing Jason gave me something else to focus on. The double life coming into its own really. I thought back to the exact day in 2020. The final day before lockdown was announced. When the thought of being away with friends and going to a concert would have seemed impossible. Fast forward to 2025 and it was a completely different story, it felt somewhat pertinent that the venue for this concert was on Hope Street. After all. Hope is everything. It’s the one word that has got me through the last five years.

I only had a matter of days before my next date. In Canterbury, two days before my birthday. I knew he was performing on my birthday itself, but I had no intention of going. I’d have had to be away for the night and my daughter simply didn’t want me to not be at home given not only was it my birthday, but it was also Mother’s Day and the five-year anniversary of my late husband being taken into ITU. Sometimes things are just important than Jason. Controversial I know. I took non-Jason fans with me (after all, I need to introduce as many people as possible to him!) and finally got the setlist I’d wanted given to me from the stage at the end of the night. This was my last UK date. Yes. You may get the violins out.

But I still had one date left to do, the one in Dublin the following weekend. Again. This date was because of that incredibly kind northerner who knew I’d always wanted to go to Dublin. It also became a birthday weekend for her stepmum as well. And while it’s safe to say this is the furthest I’d ever travelled to see Jason, again, what a weekend! My sister set off bright and early for our flight. My sister, the Jason superfan, that is. Ever since a photo had been posted on X (or Twitter if you’re old school) after the York date of the three of us standing up and someone commenting on the energy of these three fans, it became a running joke that she was a superfan. It’s not something I’ll ever tire of! We had such a fun first day. We convinced Dave the Taxi Driver to play Jason as he took us into Temple Bar. He got such a candid photo of us when we got out of the taxi. We danced in the street. I tried Guinness for the first time and loved it.

The following day we did an Afternoon Tea Bus around Dublin and learnt some fascinating facts about doors. And I saw a green postbox. What can I say? Once a geek, always a geek, right?  We had another fab day in Dublin and as we headed back to our apartment, I couldn’t help but feel a little sad. Not only was this the last night of seeing Jason, but that northerner had a Meet and Greet ticket and I didn’t. It just didn’t feel right. I’d love to be able to say that I hadn’t moaned, made numerous digs about this or made my sister’s life a misery but I can’t quite do that. Because I’d done all of this.

As the northerner headed off, I sat and sulked, made myself a cuppa and ate some onion rings. What I was unprepared for was the call that came shortly afterwards. “How quickly can you get here?” were her opening words. I swore quite vociferously at her. I can now confirm that when there is a Jason Meet and Greet ticket available, I can take a call, get changed, chuck make up in a bag, order an Uber and get down to reception from the 16th floor of an apartment in eight minutes. Eight minutes. No wonder my adopted northern mum has coined the nickname Road Runner for me! But I didn’t give it a second thought. I just went. And would now like to make a public apology for doing this after all the moaning I’d done up until this point. It’s only fair really. I was a bit of a nightmare. But I didn’t really have a chance to think about this Meet and Greet as I had with the other two. I just had to wing it. I got the most unexpected hug from Jason ever. It felt like the perfect way to end the Doin’ Fine 25 Tour.

But as I look back and think about this tour, I’ve realised so very much. That little seven-year-old who decreed she was going to marry Jason Donovan would never have envisaged quite what being a fan of his would bring to her world 30-something years later. The other Jason fans that she gets to talk to and who have been there for her across the highs and lows of the last five years. The Meet and Greets which were almost a metaphor for how she’s dealt with her life during the last five years. The nervousness, the inappropriateness and the winging it. She’s done all of it since her late husband fell ill. The adopted family that she now has because of Jason. The adventures and trips she’s gone on. The smiles and laughs she’s had. The sheer enjoyment she still gets from being a fan and being transported back to the 1980s when she sees him.

People joke that most people grew out of being a Jason fan in the early 90s. I didn’t. And I don’t think I ever will. Because without him I wouldn’t have as much as I do in my life. So much that I’m so very grateful for.

The Beatles sang “Money can’t buy me love.” Jason covered it during this tour. They’re right. Money can’t buy you love. But it can buy you concert tickets and help you make amazing memories. And that’s pretty much the same thing.

It’s okay not to be okay

Various images of Emma Charlesworth and quotes

Today is the last day of Mental Health Awareness Week, a week that the Mental Health Foundation has been leading since 2001 to bring the UK together to focus on getting good mental health. This year the theme is ‘community.’

It’s an interesting theme that isn’t it? Community makes you think of togetherness, of support and not being on your own, but in my opinion, the reality when it comes to mental health can be very different. Because despite all the great work that has been done over the past few years, mental health can still be a taboo subject. And not necessarily because of society but because of us as individuals. Since this day in 2018 when I made my first public post about a bout of counselling I’d been having to help me process depression and anxiety, I like to think that I’ve benefited from that honesty and the community around me. I’ve been an advocate for talking openly. Yet, towards the end of last year, I went the complete opposite. I stopped being open. I didn’t make use of the community around me. I pretty much struggled in silence.

And I completely know the reason for this. Because I felt like a failure. I’ve always been the sort of person to be a perfectionist and to just keep going, but in a way since my late husband died, I’ve felt a different sort of pressure. The pressure to be brave and strong. These are two words which have been used to describe me countless times. If I’d had a pound for every time I’ve seen them written about me or had them said to me, I probably wouldn’t need to work! I’ve said before that I don’t like the word brave but am coming to accept the word strong, but this has been to my detriment at times. I sometimes feel that f I’m so strong and an inspiration as people repeatedly tell me, how on earth am I meant to admit that I’m struggling, that I need help and that I just need to admit defeat for a while? In my head, I couldn’t let people down. I couldn’t fail at being a widow. I couldn’t let people see that grief was still having an effect over four years since my husband died. If I’m meant to give hope and inspiration to others, what would people think of me if they knew the reality?

But sadly, this was my reality. And I tried to hide from it and pretend it wasn’t, I really did. Yet for a myriad of reasons, towards the end of October, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to hide for much longer. And so, I made a call to our Employee Assistance Programme. I’m so incredibly fortunate to have a service like this at my disposal and it’s something I’ve made use of in the past, so I had an inkling that I knew what was going to happen. As suspected, following my assessment, I was referred for therapy. But a different type of therapy to what I’d had in the past, I was being referred for EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) with CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). I’d come across these acronyms through others in the Widowed and Young (WAY) community but didn’t really know that much about them. If I’m being perfectly honest, when I first read about EMDR, it sounded a bit kooky to me! How could this possibly work?! Yet I knew I had to give something a try, it was time to finally process the trauma that I went through in 2020. And other trauma from my life up until that point.

You see, deep down inside I know when my mental health has taken a dip. I find it very hard to concentrate. Work feels unmanageable. I have no enthusiasm to do anything. My temper is shorter. I can’t juggle as much as I usually do. Life simply feels too hard. I doom scroll because to do anything else feels pointless. I can see the dip in my mental health in my eyes. My whole demeanour changes. I looked back at a photo of me with a friend that I’d taken in August and was desperate to get back to looking like that. Desperate to see that sparkle and lightness in my eyes. I know the exact moment I realised I’d achieved this aim of mine, but that’s a topic of discussion for another blog.

Yet I pretty much kept all of this and how I was feeling to myself. Colleagues knew because of needing to juggle work and appointments. They’d been slowly watching me go downhill for a while, so when I told my line manager, she told me she’d already flagged that they needed to keep an eye on me. That is one community I’m incredibly lucky to have. Friday was another great example of that community when I spent time with our team on Hampstead Heath as part of the firm’s One Firm One Day. It was great to be outside in the fresh air for the day especially during Mental Health Awareness Week and I became the queen of brambles! As we had a drink afterwards, someone I’ve worked with for a very long time commented that I looked lovely and snapped a pic. It’s one of the ones in the collage above. I looked at it and was reminded once again just how far I’ve come these past nine months.

Anyway. I digress. Back to November. My daughter knew that things weren’t great and I was back in therapy because I want her to feel comfortable talking about mental health and understand that therapy is not a bad thing. A few friends knew, a couple mainly because they’d been sat with me in a prosecco bar while I was crying (classy I’m sure you’ll admit) but I just didn’t feel capable of telling lots of people. It felt exhausting to do so.

And exhaustion is one of the reasons I made that call. My overthinking was off the scale. I’d struggled to sleep again. I’d wake up repeatedly. I would wake up just as exhausted as when I’d gone to bed. Sleep did nothing for me. I was stuck in what felt like an endless loop of being awake and feeling exhausted while all the while knowing the same would happen the following day because it wouldn’t matter whether I got one hours sleep or five, it made no difference. So, I just didn’t need anything else that would add to this exhaustion.

But at all points remember, I can’t give in to this exhaustion. I’m a solo parent, there is no-one else to help with the parenting. The constant juggling of who’ll do the school runs, the dance runs while maintaining a house, working full time, managing finances and trying to live is relentless. Especially when you’re doing all you can to keep yourself busy rather than face what you’re going through. So, I just kept going. I didn’t make the most of the community around me, because it just felt easier to do things myself rather than explain. I didn’t want to discuss what had led to me to reach this point. The realisations I’d had about my life and my behaviour. In a way I felt a little embarrassed that I hadn’t actually realised what I’d been doing. But that’s been my grief journey for you. I lived for so long in “survival” mode. Then I went into “I must live” mode. And then I realised I had to find a middle ground. Somewhere between surviving and running myself into the ground.

I had my first few sessions of therapy and found them absolutely exhausting. Oh good, more exhaustion to add on top. I was so, so tired. This is when I had to rely on another community. The WAY community. I’m on the rota for the New Member Zooms but simply found that the thought of hosting these on a day that I’d had therapy was too much. I had to ask for support to swap sessions. I had to be sensible and look after me. I then dropped a note on the WhatsApp group with other WAY Members that we formed after the AGM last year. I’d been trying to plan something and had just found that I didn’t have the headspace, so felt the need to apologise. Understandably this was an apology that I didn’t really need to make. Everyone got it. And when I admitted that I’d felt like a failure but had since had a word with myself, I was met with comments along the lines of that was good because if I hadn’t had that word, they would have done!

I relaxed into the fact I was back into therapy; I was vulnerable and honest in those sessions. So much came out that I didn’t realise I’d buried and never really processed. The actual EMDR began later than initially planned, but sometimes life just throws different things at you that throws things off course. You can’t really plan for anything. Yet in the run up to this, I started making little changes myself. I started saying no to people. I started to slow down. Christmas 2024 is a prime example of this. For the first time in my life, I spent the day in Christmas PJs. My daughter and I didn’t go anywhere. We didn’t have anyone to us. I cooked for the first time on Christmas Day making the most of Aunt Bessie. I just didn’t need pressure. I didn’t need expectations. This wasn’t about anyone else; this was about doing what I needed. Potentially selfish, but sometimes in life you just have to be. Equally I didn’t over-plan. I didn’t fill our weekends. I sent my therapist some photos of my calendar from August through to October last year vs. the photos of January to February. The difference was palpable. I was beginning to finally feel comfortable to be at home again. Being at home a lot of the time stopped being a trigger and making me feel like I was back living in lockdown when my world fell apart. I was finally starting to realise that I didn’t have to fill my time and always say yes to people in case if I didn’t, they stopped liking me or died.

This is a bold statement, but over the course of the next few months, EMDR* gradually changed my life. I sometimes wondered what people would have thought if they could have seen me sat there for an hour a week, with my eyes shut and just tapping the tops of my arms (my sessions were virtual and so this was the technique used). Things that previously would have caused me untold stress and been difficult to manage no longer were. Some of which had been the case for over 10 years. I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t understand it. I still don’t understand how it works, but it has certainly worked for me. I’m in the position now that I will happily talk about the last six months and my mental health. I can reflect on it in a way I couldn’t do at the start of November. Next week sees my final session and I’m not scared about this. It’s time for me to implement all I’ve learnt on my own.

Yet the past few months haven’t been complete smooth sailing. I completely struggled in March. I would find myself asleep on the sofa at 8pm. The exhaustion crept back in. They say the body keeps score and knows key dates and this certainly felt the case for me this year. The five-year anniversary of my husband dying was very difficult. I can’t pretend otherwise. It would be churlish to do so. But for the first time since he fell ill and died, both my daughter and I have been in therapy at the same time. Because in March I gave her no choice but to go back. Again. A myriad of reasons led to me making this decision for her. But at no point did I think she was a failure. At no point did I think she’d let me down. I knew it was what she needed to help her work through so very much. Funny isn’t it? I can be completely objective about therapy for others, yet when it comes to me, I still put way too much pressure on myself.

But fortunately, she grounds me. Another one of the photos in the collage was a selfie taken exactly one month after my late husband died during Mental Health Awareness Week in 2020. Like I say. I talk about mental health with my daughter so openly. She is way more in tune with mental health than I was at her age. Recently after a fairly hectic day, she simply said to me “you seem stressed, what’s wrong?” And thus began an honest and open conversation about my day and how I was feeling. Similarly, when I said I’d been wondering whether to write a blog to mark Mental Health Awareness Week but wasn’t sure whether I’d have anything to say, she simply gave me a look and said I’d have plenty, after all I could also talk about her. The fact she’s growing up with this attitude fills me with hope for her future, maybe, just maybe she won’t feel like a failure if she ends up needing therapy as she gets older. That she’ll learn to trust and lean on the community around her. That she’ll be comfortable being honest, open and vulnerable.

After all. Vulnerability is a superpower. Imagine just how much more powerful we’d be as a community if we leaned into this a teeny bit more.

*It goes without saying that this is my personal experience of EMDR and CBT. I am not an expert on these therapies and cannot provide advice on them.  

19th April 2025

The words Dear Charlie are written in white on a black background.

I cannot believe that somehow we’ve made it to five years of living without you. The memory of 19th April 2020 and the weeks leading up to it will never leave me. It still feels beyond surreal. I suspect it always will. 

I want to start by saying I’m sorry I lost your wedding ring in 2023. To this day I don’t know how or where that happened. I certainly didn’t anticipate going viral on social media because of it though. But that’s what I’ve learnt these past five years. Expect the unexpected. Don’t try to plan too much. I live in hope that one day I might be reunited with the ring. You were always a blinking nightmare with it anyway, it’s a wonder you hadn’t lost it in the near 15 years you wore it! But I don’t feel losing it diminishes our marriage or the love we had.  Your dad said “The ring is in your heart. The band is only a symbol” and he was right. I stopped wearing my engagement and wedding rings relatively soon after you died, there was no big ceremony about it. It was just my hands were so dry after all the washing and the anti-bac I was using. I wore your ashes ring on that finger for a long time, but gradually moved that too. It’s funny the things we do subconsciously. 

Anyway. I don’t know the last time I wrote to you. I talk to you a lot of the time though. Heck. Sometimes I even shout at you. Usually at Christmas when I’m lugging the 4,000 boxes in and out of the loft. But throughout the year too. I’ll often pop to the Memorial Bench to get your opinion on things. Fortunate really that nobody can listen to those chats. And I’ve not yet been struck down by lightening so I’ll assume you’re ok with everything. But there’s some things that I’ve never said out loud. Or written. Today feels like the most apposite day to say them. 

I know that we spoke to you via Skype on the day you died. I’ve always wondered if you could hear us on that day. I pray you could. I pray that you heard me telling you how much you were loved by so many people. How proud everyone was of you. That you heard me apologise that I couldn’t have kept you safe from the virus. Granted, as time has gone by I’ve accepted that I did all I could to get you the medical help and intervention that you needed. I wasn’t in control of you falling ill, to this day I have no idea where you contracted it from. How COVID-19 entered our world and stole you from us. I don’t think about it anymore, it ate away at me for so long but there really is nothing I could have done that would have changed it. I wish with everything I have that I could have done but this was out of my power. 

When I made the announcements via message and on social media that you’d died, I said you’d lost your battle. But the truth is you didn’t lose a battle. You were fighting an enemy that didn’t play fair. Because that virus was indiscriminate with its victims. It just took whoever it wanted to. And I know that you battled so very, very hard Charlie. You fought it for four weeks from coming down with your temperature. You gave it everything you had. You tried to come home to us. But in the end, it was just too strong. One thing you weren’t though was weak. Not at all. I know you mustered all the strength you had to walk down the stairs to the waiting ambulance. I know you did this for our little girl. For her to not see you being carried out of our house. Thank you for doing this for her. I will be eternally grateful that her last image of seeing her father physically is of him having his head held high and showing strength. She needed that to help carry her through. 

I’m so very proud of how she’s coped with losing you Charlie. I know you would be too. I’m not entirely sure where I would be without her. It’s dubious I’d still be standing. She’s been absolutely incredible. No 10-year-old child should have gone through what she has. She shouldn’t be growing up without her father. But she’s adjusted. Or should that be adjusting? I don’t know if she’ll ever really come to terms with it, how can she? You are going to miss so many special and important occasions, I know that she will be missing you and thinking of you on each and every one of them. As will I. As will so many other people. 

It makes my heart swell at how loved you still are. How I still get messages from people that something they’ve done has made them think of you. Even people who may have only met you once or twice. Your impact and legacy on the world hasn’t been forgotten. I doubt it ever will be. I said I didn’t want you to be a number or statistic of the pandemic, it’s not been easy but somehow through my writing and all the fundraising we’ve done, you’re not. Five years on and people still talk about you. That’s pretty good going don’t you think? 

By no means am I taking full credit for this. Family and friends continue to keep your memory alive. They, like me, go to your Memorial Bench for a chat. They leave you cans of beer (I do wonder if this is why a bin was mysteriously put up next to the bench last year!) They still share photos and memories of you. The community that came together at last year’s CharlieFest said it all. The people in that room were there because of you. I might have organised it, but they were there because of you. I doubt you’d have ever expected it. If anyone could have told you what was going to happen following your death, I’m pretty sure you’d have said “give over” and rolled your eyes. You always were so humble and unassuming. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not turning you into a saint and saying you were perfect, I’ve not gone delusional in my grief, but you were a good man. A decent human being. 

It’s why I struggled for so long with why you were chosen as a victim of that virus. Why so many good people lost their lives as a result of it. I know you’d have said that it was your time (yes, I do remember that heated discussion just a few weeks before you fell ill about losing people ahead of their time!) but it still didn’t make sense. But that’s the thing with death isn’t it? I think of some of the other losses I’ve experienced since you died, none of them have really made sense. Another COVID-19 death, a tragic accident, a symptomless condition. All young people. All people taken too soon. Yes, you may eye roll at that statement, but to my mind they were. I like to think that you’re up there having a beer or a glass of red with them. Probably despairing at me a tad with one of them. But I also hope that you’ve managed to have a cuddle with your nanny. Family and friends were always so important to you, I can’t imagine that has changed. 

You’d have been so grateful and appreciative for the family and friends who have helped hold us up since your death. The kindness that has been shown to us. I suspect you’d have been as surprised as I was at the people who did show up for us, the people who didn’t know how to support us, the people who are no longer in our lives as predominantly and the new people who have come in. I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep all the relationships the same as when you were alive. But this was something else that was outside of my control. I know people needed me to be but I was never the villain in this story, I was simply heartbroken and lost. A woman trying to find her way in her new life, one that she should never have been living. A woman simply trying to do the right thing by you and her daughter. I had no energy to give to other people. I had no fight left in me. It became easier to let people go than have to explain myself or fight for them to stay. 

You see for so long Charlie, I was simply trying to survive. I had to focus on our daughter. Not even me so much. Her. She was and is my number one priority. We didn’t really live. We just went through the motions. We had to put all our efforts into survival. It sounds remarkably simple to put that in words. To say all we had to do was survive. But it wasn’t. It really bloody wasn’t. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I wish someone could have given me a manual. Who knows whether I’d have believed it or paid attention to it, however. You know me. Always know best right? 

Yet I haven’t really known best. I haven’t really known how to climb and survive this insurmountable grief mountain. I’d never been an adult without you. I hadn’t anticipated needing to become one at the age of 39. I don’t know whether I’ve done everything right these past five years. Yet I know I wouldn’t change anything I’ve done though. Because every decision I’ve made, l’ve done so with the emotions and information I had available at the time. Overthinking has probably become my trademark, but sometimes I have just had to trust my gut. Without overthinking. I did it the day you died when I was given the heartbreaking decision of saying goodbye to you in person but only if I then isolated away from our daughter. That was a split second gut decision. I know you’d have agreed it was the right one to stay with her and not see you. So I have tried to remember that. I regularly ask myself “what would Charlie say?” and “what would Charlie do?” when I face tricky situations. I try to listen to you still, you’ve become that voice in my head now that I look to for guidance. 

As I write this, I can see the look on your face and the sarcastic “hmmm, really?” Okay. I admit. I didn’t ask myself what you would do when I chose the kitchen and conservatory floors, I know you’d have hated them! I also didn’t ask myself what you’d have done when booking six Jason Donovan gigs on the same tour. “It’s the same setlist Em, it’s the same show, what is the point?” might have been the polite version of what you’d have said. But I’ve very much needed these dates these past few months, I underestimated just how hard the fifth anniversary was going to hit me. I hope you don’t begrudge me the things that make me smile and bring me joy, it’s all part of discovering me and who I am. I feel the same about the people who are in my life now, I hope you don’t begrudge me moving forwards and making new friends. That you appreciate what they’ve offered me, what they’ve taught me and introduced me to. The juxtaposition that people have come into my life only because you’re no longer in it messes with my head at times. I often wonder what you would think of them. I’m sure you’d approve. But most of all, I hope you don’t begrudge me living again. It’s taken me such a long time to be able to do so. I truly do feel that you’d want me to do this. You wouldn’t have wanted your death to be the thing that destroyed me or our daughter, of that I’m sure. 

It’s why I’ve tried to be brave and push myself out of my comfort zone. Our trip to the West Coast of the USA last year is a prime example of that and also showed how much of a part of our lives you continue to be. You and I had always planned that trip for my 40th and so we finally did it. The guide on the boat when whale watching asked who had good karma because of the incredible pods of orcas we were seeing. I don’t believe it was karma. I believe it was you. To show how proud of us you were for making that trip. The trip to Crystal River and swimming with the manatees when we went to Florida in 2022 that you’d always wanted to do. I owe it to you to do these things. To do the things you’d always wanted to do (within reason though obviously!)

But just on the living again. I’m sorry that I haven’t been as frugal as you probably would have wanted me to be. That I’ve made crazy decisions. But Charlie, for such a long time, I was so scared. Scared to not do things. Scared to not seize opportunities. Scared of my life ending too. Scared to say no to things. Scared to say no to people in case something happened to them. But my fear is slowly abating now. I don’t know if it will ever completely go, but it’s definitely abating. For the first time in about five years, I feel as though I’m on an even keel again. That I’m actually in control. I can’t promise there won’t still be the odd crazy decision, but I think I’m likely to be more measured about things now. Maybe. Possibly. Hopefully. 

I don’t really know what is going to come next. At times the scriptwriters seem to be having a bit of a laugh when it comes to my story. But I think you’d like the person I’m becoming. The version of Emma in her 40s is very different to the version of her in her 20s and 30s. She’s probably the person you always wanted her to be. It’s ironic that I’ve probably only become this person because of all I’ve gone through these past five years. Of what I’ve learnt about me. But I think you’d quite like that in a way, it shows the impact you’re still having. And I hope you’ll continue to watch over us. That you’ll continue to make your presence felt. For everyone who knew and loved you. I’m not the only one who has felt you still around, an energy and a soul as great as yours was always going to leave a mark on this world. 

What I do know is that we’re entering a period of change. Her first lead role in a show. GCSEs. Leaving school. Where we’ll live. Possibly moving house. My career. It all feels pretty daunting to be making these decisions without you. To be second guessing myself that I’m doing “the right thing.” But we’re back to that trusting of the gut again aren’t we? I have to trust myself that I know what is best for Team Charlesworth. Both as individuals and as a team. And if I get it wrong? Well, then we’ll just learn. You once found a quote you liked that included the line “you will never lose, you will either win or learn.” That’s how I have to look at life now. We’ve already lost so much, something good and positive has got to come out of it for both her and I now. We need to start winning. So, I need to grasp life with both hands and learn from it. It’s simply all I can do. It’s all any of us can do really. 

I don’t know when I’ll next write to you Charlie. But that doesn’t mean I won’t be thinking of you. That you won’t still be a massive part of my life. Of our daughter’s life. Photos of you are still up at home. That won’t ever change. I promise you that. But I do need to continue being just Emma now. I need to not be Charlie and Emma. It’s time. You understand that. I know you do. I know how proud of me you are for all I’ve done to get me to this point. The hours I’ve spent in therapy. The tears I’ve shed. The trauma I’ve processed. The clawing myself back from rock bottom. Thank you for loving me and giving me the strength I needed to be able to do all of this without you. To work out a way of living as a young widow and solo parent. I wouldn’t be the woman I am now without all you taught me and the love you gave me for two decades. 

I miss you Charlie. I love you Charlie. 

After all this time? Always. 

Xx

You will be ok

Happy Birthday.

Right now, it doesn’t feel like your birthday. You’re living in the middle of a global pandemic. Your husband was taken by ambulance after a panic 999 call in the early hours of this morning. Your 10-year-old daughter asked you if her daddy was going to be ok and you honestly couldn’t tell her yes. Because he has fallen prey to this pandemic which isn’t selective with its victims. You’re trying to juggle 1,001 things right now and don’t know which way is up. You’re going through a vast array of emotions.

But. It is still your birthday. You need to cling to that. Later today your daughter is going to save your birthday for you. She is going to make you open your cards and presents. She is going to put 39 candles in your cake. She is going to do a video call with members of your family to get them to sing Happy Birthday to you. And don’t forget. This morning you fried an egg for the first time in your life and cooked a bacon and egg sandwich because it’s your birthday. That sandwich represented hope, and you need to remember that. Because hope is everything. It is the one thing that is going to get you through what lies ahead.

The next three weeks are going to be some of the most challenging and difficult weeks of your life. The rollercoaster you’re now on is going to be a heck of a ride. But the theme of a rollercoaster is going to play a huge part in your life. Keep it in mind. You’re going to be reliant on phone calls for updates about your husband. You’re only going to be able to see him via Skype calls. You’re going to have some of the most heartbreaking conversations with your daughter. You’re going to face impossible decisions. I simply can’t pretend any of this is going to be easy. It’s not. But. You’re also going to smile during the next three weeks. Tomorrow Jason Donovan is going to be on Gary Barlow’s Crooner Sessions. He’ll start following you on Twitter. You’re going to be the recipient of so much kindness from so many people. You’ll feel overwhelmed by it all.

And then. On 19th April, your entire life as you know it will be over. You won’t start using the term on this day, but you’ll become a 39-year-old widow. Your husband will die without you by his side and with the amazing NHS staff holding his hand. You and your daughter will be watching a film when you get the call to say this has happened, but you’ll never be able to agree on which film it was. Shock, quite probably. You’ll very quickly go into survival mode. You’ll think about everyone else because it’s too painful to actually think about what this means for you. The pain is merely too great for you to process. You can’t. And you won’t be able to for a very long time.

You’ll physically and metaphorically need picking up. You’ll struggle to get up off the sofa. You’ll fall apart on the kitchen floor when you realise you’ve got food in the cupboard you won’t eat. You’ll shed more tears than you physically thought possibly. You’ll plan a funeral in a pandemic and be asked questions about it that you simply have no answer to. You’ll struggle with the concept of how to return to work, be a mother and juggle your life. You won’t really think about what you as Emma will need. As an individual and person in her own right. You’ve never been an adult on your own. Who even are you without him? Again, you’ll hide from this because you don’t have the answer.

Your mental health is going to suffer in a way you’d have never thought possible. You’re going to find yourself hitting rock bottom on more than one occasion. Sadly, this isn’t the only shock bereavement you’re going to face. I can’t bear to tell you the other person you’re going to lose, mainly because I’m still trying to make sense of it. There is genuinely no logic as to who lives and who dies. But when that day does come, take advantage of the people who are now able to hold you. Who can wrap you in their arms, make you feel safe and just let you cry. You’re going to understand just how important physical contact is in grief. It’s not something you’re going to be able to receive when your husband first dies. Or for a number of months. The world isn’t allowing it. But when you can get those hugs again, soak them up. They are going to help you. More than you realise.

The trauma you’re experiencing today and over the next few weeks isn’t going to be something you can keep buried forever. You’re going to spend a huge amount of time in therapy. And while I don’t want to scare you, this isn’t going to be in the first year or so. You’ll have some later this year, then in 2022 which will last for just over a year and then you’ll start having EMDR towards the end of 2024 going into 2025. The latter will scare you when you first make the call and are told you need it. You’ll feel you’re a failure. You’ll feel you’re letting people down. You won’t tell many people. You’ll have spent just over four years with everyone telling you how brave and strong you’re. That you’re an inspiration. To admit you still need help will feel alien. But, let me promise you this now. That bout of therapy is going to completely change things for you. It is going to help you process so very much. Not just to do with the trauma of losing your husband, but parts of your life you’ve just learnt to live with and accepted as being your life. You’ll start to feel like a different person. Your mindset will shift. It’s going to take a lot of getting used to, but my goodness Emma, it’s going to be beyond worth it.

This all sounds very doom and gloom doesn’t it? If you’re still reading at this point, I imagine there is a sense of trepidation. Wondering whether you’re ever going to really laugh, smile or be happy again. Hand on my heart, you will. You’ll feel guilty to begin with, because how you can possibly enjoy life given what’s happened? You’re going to have amazing opportunities that are only afforded to you because of what’s happened. That will make you feel guilty. New people are going to come into your life. People who are currently part of your life will no longer be so. Or if they are, it will be on a different footing. Please don’t worry about this. Life and your experiences will change you. But you have to survive this however you can. For you. For your daughter. Don’t be afraid to trust your gut instinct. Do you.

Because you’re pretty phenomenal. It’s going to take you just under five years to reach this conclusion, but without question you are. Those people that call you brave and strong? They’re right. You are. You won’t ever accept that you’re brave, after all, you haven’t chosen this life have you? But my word are you strong. You’ve had to be. You’ve shown so much strength. You’ll get out of bed every single day. You’ll continue to show up. Even on those days when you don’t want to.

But more than that. You’re going to achieve a heck of a lot in his memory and that will help others. For a long time, you’re going to tell people that you’re just doing what anyone would do in this situation. But not everyone would. Because not everyone is you. You’re going to install a Memorial Bench so that your husband can continue to be a part of your daughter’s birthday traditions. You’re going to sort out renovations on the house and finally get it finished. You’re going to come up with initiatives that will see you raise over £15,000 for various charities (and that’s only up to March 2025). You’re going to launch a blog called Life is a rollercoaster (told you not to forget about a rollercoaster, didn’t I?) It will go on to win an award in 2023. You’re going to write a book and start investigating the best way to get this published. You’re going to appear on various podcasts, TV programmes, in magazines and newspapers. You’re going to become an Ambassador for the charity Widowed and Young.

Yet the biggest achievement from your perspective won’t be any of this. It is going to be the moment you look at photos and see the twinkle and sparkle in your eyes again. It will take years to return. But it does return. Some might call them giddy eyes. More than ever, your eyes are going to be the window to your soul. And until you’re you again, they are going to show your pain. You will look at photos over the next couple of years and think you’re looking better. You are in a way. But it will only be as you approach your fifth birthday since your world fell apart, that you’ll be able to see just how much the grief and pain affected you physically. Not just mentally. Grief and pain will change you. But you’re going to learn to walk alongside them. In a way, they’re going to become your friends. Because they’re a constant reminder of the love you had. The love you still have.

And while I don’t want to give too many spoilers, mainly because you won’t believe some of them anyway, I do want to give you a little sneak peek into some of the other things that are going to come your way over the next five years. You’re going to have so much fun and laughter with a variety of people. You’re going to meet incredible people through the charity Widowed and Young. You’re going to watch your daughter receive coaching from Jac Yarrow (yes, that guy you saw play Joseph last year). You’re going to get a marriage proposal from Jason Donovan. You’re going to travel across the country to meet a random woman off Twitter because of that Aussie who is going to become one of the best people in your life. You’re going to be adopted by a Northern family. You’re going to get your middle out with a two-piece outfit, on more than one occasion. You’re going to go viral on social media. You’re going to get a dog. You’re going to take your daughter on holidays overseas. You’re going to fluke a free business class upgrade the first time you take her abroad. You’re going to brave driving abroad and find that you quite like it, even if you’re given a scary American muscle car. You’re going to grow your hair and go blonde. You’re going to change your role and teams at work.

I know being told this about your future sounds completely and utterly unthinkable right now. But please believe me when I say you did everything you could in this unimaginable situation you’ve found yourself in over the last week or so. There is nothing more you could have done or that would have changed the outcome. I know right now you can only really focus on today. And maybe even only the next hour. Anything beyond that and especially the future is unfathomable. That’s ok. Just focus on that for now. It’s the right thing to do. Stay in your pyjamas. Eat cake and brownies for breakfast. Just do what you need to do each day. For you. For your daughter. She ultimately is going to save you. She’s incredible. She’s the reason you’ll fight as hard as you do. Without her, it would have been very easy for you to give up. But she needs you. She loves you. And while you’re going to clash and have exceptionally tough times, the bond and relationship that you’re going to have is going to be unbreakable. Team Charlesworth is about to become pretty formidable.

As I sit here and think about the fact the world is still turning, that you’re lucky enough to be celebrating another birthday and you’re privileged to be growing older, I’ve realised something.

Pretty phenomenal? Scrap that.

Emma Charlesworth you are phenomenal.

Simple as that. I’m so exceptionally proud of you. I didn’t know you had it in you to be able to survive this on 30th March 2020. I didn’t have the self-belief. You’re going to watch a film in February 2025 that contains the line “it’s not enough to survive, you’ve got to live.” And that’s what you’re going to do over the next five years Emma. You’re going to live again. Not just survive, you’re going to live. You’re going to thrive. Against all the odds. Against the most unimaginable backdrop.

These words are the best present I can give you today. The reassurance, knowledge and encouragement that you need. That I wish someone could have given me on this day five years ago.

Emma Charlesworth, you will be ok. I promise. Focus on these four words. Please.

You. Will. Be. Ok.

Forever and no time at all

Various images depicting the pandemic in the UK

Cast your mind back to this date five years ago. Can you remember what you were doing? Probably not. It’s a pretty insignificant date really. 9 March 2020. It means so little to so many people. I can’t really remember what I was doing other than knowing I’d have been at work. I went back and looked at my work calendar as I started writing this. I started out in one office, travelled to another office to have a lunch with a member of Alumni network and a colleague and then worked from a different office for the rest of the afternoon. No doubt I then went home, did some bits with my daughter, had dinner with my husband and probably did some chores. Before I got up and did it all again the following day (with the exception of the lunch).

Except. I do remember one of the topics of conversation over that lunch. I remember talking about a conversation I’d had with my husband two days previously in our local supermarket regarding buying some chocolate. “I really fancy some chocolate,” he said, and I merely responded with “Go for it. Pop it in the trolley. If coronavirus doesn’t get us, the asteroid that my colleague told me about will.” This was the topic of that conversation at lunch and a number of conversations with family, friends and colleagues. Coronavirus. Pandemic. COVID-19.

Did any of us really anticipate quite how long we’d be talking about this for when we first started discussing it in early 2020? The impact and devastation that it would cause? The complete and utter changes to our lives as we knew them? I, for one, didn’t. Maybe I was naïve. Maybe I was delusional. Maybe I was just clinging to hope. It definitely wasn’t down to the fact that I wasn’t taking it seriously, it’s just because it felt impossible that the UK was going to be hit hard. I didn’t understand and couldn’t really begin to process and fathom living through a pandemic in my lifetime.

The following week, on 16 March 2020, I was on a call with work on my way home, planning how we were going to organise our team to avoid us all being in the office at the same time, when the then Prime Minister of the UK, Boris Johnson made the announcement that, if people could, they should work from home with immediate effect. I sat on the train, almost dumbfounded. This was really happening. The pandemic was beginning to affect my day-to-day life. It was going to affect my family. I worried about the impact on my daughter and her mental health.

Over the course of that week, it was confirmed that her dance lessons and summer show were to be cancelled and that she would not be going to school as of Friday, 20 March, I couldn’t tell her how long this would last. I had no idea just how serious and horrible it was going to get. And I vividly remember her looking at me with the innocence of a 10-year-old and asking a question that I couldn’t really answer. “Why did this have to happen?”

Were similar conversations going on in my friends’ houses? In my family’s houses? Across the country? Across the world? We weren’t special, I was pretty sure of that. But by the end of that weekend, we did become special in a way. Because on 22 March 2020, my husband started sporting a temperature. He updated his Facebook status with an image of Mickey Flanagan and the words “So……..  I appear to be running a temperature. Have not been out in days but I guess I am now In In. Take care of yourselves and I’ll see you on the other side.”

Reading that back still sends chills down my spines. Whenever people use the phrase “I’ll see you on the other side” my stomach drops. I have to ask them not to. Because little did we know how significant his post would become.

We became special on that day because this was the day when we suspected COVID-19 had entered our house. I didn’t know of anyone else going through this experience. Family. Friends. Colleagues. No-one else was suspecting it was in their house. If we weren’t living with it, I might have struggled to believe that what I was seeing on the news was actually real. Just watching the news reports, seeing the headlines, hearing the numbers of people in hospital, the numbers of people dying and knowing we were living through a pandemic, did, and still does feel surreal.

My daughter asked me why this had to happen. I kept asking myself how this had happened. The UK is an island. How on earth had we allowed this airborne virus to enter our country? To begin spreading like wildfire. Why had more not be done to stop it? How? Why? Two words that would repeat themselves in my mind over and over again. They still do in a way. I’m not a vituperative person by any means, but five years on, I still cannot fathom how and why the UK was allowed to be affected as much as it was. I openly admit I don’t do politics in my writing, but I do have incredibly strong views on what I believe are the answers to these questions. The UK COVID-19 inquiry has shed an awful amount of light on the answers to these questions. None of which should really have come as a surprise to anyone. Even the COVID-19 conspiracy and hoax brigade would be hard pushed to deny the facts that have been presented.

The next week saw my husband steadily deteriorate. It saw me trying to juggle working full time while caring for him, looking after our daughter who was now at home full time and trying to process what the hell was happening in the world. 30 March 2020, my 39th birthday, saw me dial 999 after his deterioration had reached a level that I felt he needed medical intervention. That was the last day my daughter and I ever physically saw him. He walked down the stairs to the waiting ambulance and that was that. Two hours later I learnt he’d been taken to ITU, sedated and ventilated. For two long weeks, the only information I was able to glean from the hospital about his condition was via phone calls.

On 13 April 2020, less than 24 hours after I’d been told to prepare for him to never come home, I had my first Skype call with him. He was unconscious. I don’t know if he could hear me. Over the course of that week my daughter and I did a Skype call with him every single day. And then. On 19 April 2020 I got the call that I was almost expecting. Not prepared for. But expecting. He was going to die. All hope had gone. Just a few hours later we did our final call to say goodbye. A few hours after that, I got the call to say he had died. The pandemic that had seemed so surreal just six weeks previously had now robbed me of my husband and my daughter of her father. Our lives irrevocably changed.

It’s no coincidence that I’m telling this story today. Because today is the 2025 Day of Reflection. The fourth one of these and according to the Marie Curie website, it’s an opportunity to come together to remember those who have lost their lives since the pandemic began and to honour the tireless work and acts of kindness shown during this unprecedented time. In essence, it’s a day to reflect. To think about all those who were lost. But. And forgive me for sounding slightly cynical, just how many people in the UK are aware that this day exists? Of the significance of today’s date this year? How many people will be reflecting? Thinking about the impact of the pandemic?

I say this with the greatest respect, but it is something that I have been thinking about more and more recently. Have we already consigned the COVID-19 pandemic to the history books? Filed it in our memories and moved on? Have we learnt anything from the first pandemic in living memory?

Sadly, I can’t help but feel that the answer to that isn’t an emphatic yes. The political unrest the world is seeing. The cost-of-living crisis. The inability to make decisions quickly and responding to the world at large. The organisations requiring their employees to return to working in an office. Mandating it. Monitoring it. The era of working from home and hybrid working for those who can feels like it’s coming to an end. I see it on my commute. The trains are once again rammed. Sometimes I’m lucky to get a seat either on the way into the office or the way home and I’m an hour’s train journey from London. I see people on the train, the tube or in the office coughing and spluttering. No longer as mindful of the fact they’re spreading germs, or not feeling able to stay at home.

I see some people wearing masks, but these are exceptionally few and far between. I’ll be honest. I no longer wear a mask. But I did pay to have a COVID-19 vaccine last year. The headlines about the new strain were making me uncomfortable. Colleagues and friends knew of people who had been very ill with it. I can’t afford to be ill. And certainly not with this virus. The one and only time I did have it, I was fortunate not to be overly ill, but looking at my daughter and telling her that we needed to change our plans because I’d contracted the same virus that had killed her father wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve had to do. And believe me, there’s been a multitude of things that haven’t been easy to do since 2020. But this was one of the hardest ones.

I think back and remember the real sense of community and kindness in 2020. Remember Thursday nights standing outside your front day clapping for carers? Remember making more of a conscious effort to check in on friends and family because you couldn’t see them? Remember enjoying the slower pace of life because everything was shut? I don’t want to sound like I’m trivialising the pandemic, I am painfully aware of what life was like for those who watched someone die during that time. Of all those people who lived alone and felt beyond isolated. Of all those people who were living with mental health challenges that were exacerbated by the pandemic and the effects of which are still felt today. I don’t honestly know how many people can say they came away from the pandemic unscathed in one way or another.

I always wanted kindness to be my abiding memory of the pandemic. Because I really did experience so much of it. The tweet from Jason Donovan sending love and strength the day after I was told to prepare for my husband to never come home. The food packages that kept arriving. The cards. The surprise and thoughtful gifts. The care packages. The video calls. The people on my doorstep just talking to me. The WAY Widowed and Young members who let me vent when I needed to. The phone calls, the legacy of which still continue to this day at 9pm on a Wednesday night. Please don’t try to get hold of me at this time, I’m busy talking to one of my oldest friends after she decided that just because the pandemic wasn’t affecting our lives in the same way and we could meet up again, it didn’t mean we should stop speaking once a week.  

I’m still very lucky to be experiencing kindness. My life as a solo parent is a constant juggle. I have to ask for help and call in favours constantly just be able to work. And then I have to add in living and having a social life. My mum and stepdad didn’t sign up to still be doing the school and dancing run in their mid-60s. My friends didn’t sign up to be looking after my daughter for me so I can go out for nights or weekends away (amusingly she is saved as “R lodger” in one of my friend’s phones. I don’t abandon her that much. I promise.) My friends didn’t sign up to feeding her once a week and taking her to her dance lessons for me. Yet they do it. And I am so exceptionally thankful for every single person who still extends kindness to us. In whatever capacity. I couldn’t do my life without it. I will never, ever take it for granted.

It is all of this that means I will never be able to consign the pandemic to the history books. Mine and my daughter’s life changed forever on 19 April 2020. The ripples are still affecting our daily lives five years on. The tension and the arguments because the grief and anxiety it caused are still a massive part of our lives. The therapy we’ve both needed to help us process the trauma of it all. We live with it, and we move forwards, yes, but we will never, ever move on.

When I’ve written blogs on this Day of Reflection in previous years, I’ve asked readers to reflect, to think about all those who were lost and for those whose lives were never the same again. But this year, I’m asking you to do something else too. Think about what you learnt during that time. Whether you’ve remembered any of it. Send a message to someone you haven’t heard from in a while. Pick up the phone to a friend and check in. Say no to something if it puts you under too much pressure. Let that be the legacy of the pandemic. Change.

As for me. 2020 will always be the year that my world fell apart. I can’t pretend otherwise. My husband died. I’ve since lost friendships. Relationships have changed. I’ve experienced further gut-wrenching bereavement. I’ve hit rock bottom. I’ve had to claw my way back on more than one occasion. 2020 caused all of this. But I refuse to let it just be a negative memory. I’ve learnt too much about the world since then – kindness, friendship and most importantly about myself. It was the catalyst for so much. That doesn’t mean I’m glad it happened – far, far from it. But I’m not the sort of person to experience something like this and not learn from it.

2020 might have been five years ago. I might have become a widow nearly five years ago. I might have been a solo parent and been watching my beautiful daughter grow up without her father for nearly five years. But time has become the biggest juxtaposition of my life. Because to me it’s not five years ago. It’s forever and no time at all.