Tag: Motherhood

Are you ready for Christmas?

Various images related to Emma Charlesworth’s family including memory bears and Christmas decorations

It’s a question we all hear time and time again at this time of year, isn’t it? Are you ready for Christmas? On paper this should be a no-brainer of an answer for me. I buy presents throughout the year when I see things which I think people would like (I realised I was turning into my mother when I started a present box in the loft), I have a spreadsheet which details who I’m giving what to, I started wrapping and writing cards in November (partly because I went into denial in the run up to the launch of my book and needed a distraction) and I’m usually Little Miss Organised.

But I guess the bigger question is this. When one of the activities you do in December is take your daughter to put flowers at her dad’s memorial bench, are you ever really ready for Christmas?

Don’t get me wrong. My daughter and I are worlds away from the utter despair we were feeling in the run up to Christmas 2020. Last night we got a Chinese takeaway for the two of us for the first time ever (she’s never really liked it, but when I said I really fancied one, said she would try it). Our fortune cookie felt quite poignant, so much so that she even she commented on its pertinence: “Do not lose heart, things will improve with the years.”

When I look back now, that first Christmas after my late husband died was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. My daughter was adamant that we had to decorate the house as Daddy had always done, I personally couldn’t have cared less. We fought so much trying to sort out the boxes. It was beyond painful. Even the arrival of decorations for our trees made from some of my late husband’s ashes and a blanket and memory bear made from his Christmas attire (for the month of December, you’d seldom see him wear anything other than a Christmas jumper, t-shirt or cardigan) didn’t really make a difference. These items were lovely, don’t get me wrong, but they were just a reminder that he was no longer here.

Somehow, we made it through that first Christmas. In a way, I think it probably helped that we were under lockdown, we couldn’t see anyone other than our support bubble. I didn’t have to go into the office or attend countless Christmas events with everyone feeling jolly. It seems crazy now to think I’m about to face my sixth Christmas without my late husband. Has it got easier to manage? Yes. Do I still get a pang every year? Also, yes.  

Over the past few years, my daughter and I have done a variety of different things for Christmas. From spending the day at my mum and stepdad’s house, running away to New York to reset things a little bit to hiding away just the two of us in Christmas PJs. We haven’t cracked a magic formula for how to survive the festive period. Other than to do what works for us in that year.

Because this is our reality of being a widow, solo parent and bereaved child at Christmas. There isn’t a normal Christmas anymore. And thanks to the quintessential Christmas movies, the questions about being ready for Christmas and what we’re doing over this period, this time of year just hammers home even more that someone is missing. Especially someone who was, essentially, Mr Christmas. Every year as I get the 4,000 boxes out of the loft containing all the decorations he loved and as I put them back after Christmas, I swear and moan. You’ll often hear me saying “stupid dead husband leaving me with all the stupid Christmas boxes” as I’m passing them to my mum and stepdad. Because this is also my reality, for me to get ready for Christmas I usually enlist help from others. I can’t do it all by myself. And that’s weird.

It’s a conversation I had with a friend of mine recently, when she said that if I need any help, I only have to ask. She’s right. I am exceptionally lucky with all the help that is afforded to me but the thing I said to her that is one of the biggest struggles at this time of year is that there’s no tag teaming, no partner to do the everyday chores such as emptying the dishwasher or putting the bins out when I’m doing the various different Christmassy things that need doing. Or vice versa.

Recently my daughter had her Christmas dance show which involved a rehearsal on the Saturday and three shows on the Sunday, an entire weekend in December essentially wiped out. Now. I could say that I’m no longer going to chaperone, that I’ll drop her off, go and watch one show and give myself time at home. But the simple fact is that running her around to rehearsals, being a chaperone and being involved with the dance shows is something I’ve been doing since she was three years old, I don’t mind doing it in the slightest. The difference now is that trade off, for me to continue doing it, I can’t do other things. They slip. Because I simply can’t do everything by myself.

This trade off means for the first time since at least 2008 (it might even be longer) I’m working between Christmas and New Year. I’ve needed to take holiday to take my daughter to college open days and auditions lately which means that using another three days holiday before the end of the year almost feels like a waste. I completely acknowledge that this is a first world problem. I am, after all, fortunate to be in employment and facing this trade off. But it’s still one that I’m only really having to face because of widowhood. Her anxiety and nerves mean she wants a parent to be there with her looking around the college, dropping her off and picking up for auditions which is completely understandable. However, when you only have one parent, you have to acknowledge that there’ll be a trade off for Mum doing that as to when else she can take holiday.

Instead, I’ve taken a couple of days off this week, all with the view of taking some time for us and getting ready for Christmas. We kicked it off with a day in London with friends on Saturday, I lit a candle for my late husband at the Remember Me memorial in St Paul’s Cathedral and we had the sort of day he would have loved.

But getting ready for Christmas for me also means getting ready for life and catching up with the chores and admin. Monday saw my daughter relaxing and watching Christmas movies, so I spent many hours doing the ironing. Something I simply haven’t had a chance to do in weeks because of December doing its thing. Or December “December-ing” as I said to someone recently. I mean, I’m not going to moan about ironing while swooning over Jude Law in The Holiday but his speech about being a widower hits a little differently now. The words “it’s way too complicated to be who I really am, I’m a full-time dad, I’m a working parent, I’m a mother and a father” hit a nerve. Without fail, every Christmas since being widowed, I sit there crying when he starts this speech. While my daughter sits there eye-rolling and laughing at me, because in her opinion, it’s not sad. I completely appreciate why she says this; I don’t think I’d have found it as sad as I do now or cried six years ago, but I do now. Because it’s real for me. Widowhood is a constant trade off and battle of trying to figure out how to live your own life and be you, while still parenting and doing a lot of what you always did when there were two of you. And it’s tiring. And it’s hard.

Tonight, I’m also doing something that I would never have been doing had I not been widowed. I’m co-hosting a New Member Zoom for WAY Widowed and Young. These run every Wednesday and Saturday and the Christmas period is no different. There are zooms being held tomorrow for any members who may need that support. Because we all know that this time of year is exceptionally tough for anyone who has been bereaved.

My daughter and I had a chat about it before I volunteered to do the session tonight, I was acutely aware it’s taking place on Christmas Eve and it’s not an easy day for her either. Yet her view was that she can find things to do for a couple of hours and it’s a good thing for me to be able to offer that support to others who were feeling like we were in 2020. The empathy she has as a teenager is something you only get when your whole world has been turned upside down and you’ve gone through a life changing event. It’s both touching and heartbreaking in equal measure.

As I sit here now, if someone was to ask if I’m ready for Christmas, I can probably say that I am. The food shops have been done, the presents have been wrapped, the cards have been written, everything has been delivered that needed to be, the decorations have been put up and the out of office is on. The life-min is fairly up to date and I’m sort of feeling in control. Which isn’t a bad position to be in. Yet, there is also part of me who doubts that I’ll ever completely be 100% ready for Christmas. Because there will always be a part of my Christmas that is missing. No matter how efficient and organised I am.

Out now: Is Daddy Going to Be OK?

Various photos of Emma Charlesworth at the launch of her debut book Is Daddy Going to Be OK?

Wow. It’s taken me a few days to process what’s happened. 

I am now a published author. I held a book launch for family and friends. My book is on sale worldwide. 

And that’s why, despite being a writer, this is one the shortest blog posts I’ve ever written. Because I still don’t really have the words to explain what this means to me. They’ll come in time, I have no doubt about that. There’s so much I want to share about this whole process. 

But for now. I just want to say thank you to the following: 

  • All at Softwood Books for helping me with my vision and bringing this to life. 
  • Jemma at Click:Create Photography and Design for the beautiful and most perfect cover. 
  • Sheryl Findlay for your guidance, love, and support during our life coaching sessions while I was writing this. 
  • Everyone who has read my blogs, followed our story, and provided that virtual support.
  • Finally. My family, friends, colleagues, and all who have supported me and my daughter since 2020. There are far too many to name individually, but you know who you are.

For anyone who would like to buy a copy of Is Daddy Going to Be OK?, the links to various retailers are below:

On my own

Various pictures of Emma Charlesworth and her family from 2005 to present.

It’s probably no surprise that the title of this blog is linked to Les Misérables. For someone who at the start of 2024 said “I don’t really feel the need to see it again,” it’s somehow become part of my life. I didn’t envisage when I made this statement that I’d be seeing it in London, Aberdeen, Manchester and Abu Dhabi. I certainly didn’t envisage that I’d be watching my daughter in the one of the lead roles. And of course. None of the songs are triggering or make me cry. Nope. Not even one. 

The local production which my daughter was in recently involved an intense two-week rehearsal schedule. The venue for these rehearsals was about a five-minute drive from where Mr C used to work. The irony was not lost on me. There was me getting up at 4:30am so that I could drive to a local train station, get an early train into work and leave the office early to pick her up. Meanwhile, my mum and stepdad had to drop her on those days so that she could get there. And then on the days I wasn’t in the office, I did both drop off and pick up. I don’t begrudge this in the slightest, I’m her mum and I knew that her anxiety wouldn’t cope with her getting the train, but it still felt like a military mission to organise. All the while knowing that if I wasn’t a widow, this wouldn’t have been the case. Mr C could have done the drop off and pick up on his way to and from work. Again. Pure conjecture and speculation because I don’t actually know where he’d be working, but the crux of the matter is this. It wouldn’t have been solely down to me to orchestrate all of the running around. 

My daughter was phenomenal. No other word for it. Even if I wasn’t a particular fan of watching her be a prostitute. Or the moment when she died, and they covered her with a sheet. Her being cast as Fantine was never going to be an easy watch! But I don’t really have the words to articulate just how proud and emotional I felt watching her. Seeing her living her best life on that stage. I could only begin to imagine just what her dad would have felt seeing her up there. And I know he was playing heavily on her mind during the performances too. There was an issue with her microphone during one of the shows that I wasn’t watching, and I got a little voice note from her saying how much she wanted a dad hug. Our everyday lives continue to be impacted by his death. Her dad wasn’t there to scoop her up at the end of that show and give her that hug. Missing him at those really important moments. 

And as well as missing him and running round like a loon, it was during this rehearsal schedule that I received my first ever speeding ticket. I knew I was running a little bit late that morning but hadn’t realised I was going fractionally over the speed limit. I completely own it. I was the one driving that morning and I must have just taken my eye off the ball for a split second. But as I sat there reading the letter that was sent out, it made me stop and think. Was this actually a metaphor for me to slow down a little bit in life more generally? 

I’ve lost count recently of how many times I’ve heard “you’re doing too much” and “I don’t know how you do it.” But as I’ve felt so often since my late husband died, I don’t really feel I have a choice. I can’t sit back and do nothing just because he died. I still have to work and commute to an office three days a week, I have bills to pay. I still have to raise our child. I still have to do the housework, finances and all that comes with being a homeowner. Yes. I could just focus on these aspects of my life but why should I? Why shouldn’t I try to forge a life and map out a future for me? 

You see, this is the other thought that is regularly crossing my mind. I’m rapidly approaching a time when I’m going to be on my own. Change is coming and I have to start thinking about my future as ‘Emma’ rather than ‘Mum’ and planning for it. My daughter starts Year 11 when she returns to school in September and will be taking GCSEs in 2026. If all goes to plan, she’ll be leaving school following this to go to college. After that, there’ll be the next phase in her life, and she’ll in theory be heading off to do a degree. And what happens to me then? If all I’ve done is work and raise her, what do I then do in 2028? Both of these would be a heck of an achievement in themselves given all we’ve been through; I don’t deny that; but I can’t help but feel I need to future proof my life too. 

Granted. When it comes to futureproofing, there might have been an easier and less demanding way to do this. But I have to do it in a way that works for me and by doing something I’m passionate about. I was absolutely honoured to have been appointed as a Trustee for Widowed and Young in July and I’m looking forward to seeing what I can achieve in this role. In December 2023 I said I was going to write a book and that has now been written. I have been working with the team at Softwood Books to bring this to life and I’m excited to see what this brings. But both of these require my time and energy. Which is why I can see why people tell me I’m doing too much. In a way I no doubt am. But it’s easy to say that when you haven’t been through what I have. When you haven’t had your future completely decimated. 

Becoming a widow at the age of 39 wasn’t on the future plan when I was growing up. And that’s why I push myself. I’ve had one future ripped away from me. I can’t bear the thought of not having a new one to look forward to. For such a long time, the future was overwhelming. It scared me to look beyond the next day. But now I have to think about it. Because as my daughter starts to enter the next phase of her life, she’ll no longer need me in the same way she has. And then what becomes of me? It’s a thought that crosses my mind on such a regular basis. What happens to me? Empty nest syndrome is such a common feeling for millions of people but for me it’s going to hit that little bit differently. I really will be on my own when that happens. 

Because I’ve recently been thinking about whether she and I are too co-dependent on each other. The circumstances regarding our bereavement no doubt forced us to be. In the first year after Mr C died, she was only in school for four months. No-one stepped foot inside our house for nearly three months after he died and even then, it was very minimal. I didn’t have to commute to London. We didn’t really have to navigate a social life. We became quite insular. It did pretty much feel like it was Team Charlesworth against the world. I think the two of us supported each other and held each other up in ways that we didn’t even realise we were doing. She became my sole reason for getting out of bed each day. I became her one constant in life. We’d both lost our other one constant, it was instinctive to cling to the one remaining. 

I guess I’ve found myself being a lot more reflective this August than I normally would be. I hadn’t really realised why until I broke a little bit at work last week. I was feeling the strain of being a solo parent. Of juggling so much. Of not having that one person who could step in to pick up the slack when needed. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like a widow. That might sound daft given I’ve been living this life for five years now, but when you’re just living your life and you’ve become accustomed to living with grief every day, you sometimes forget to give yourself a little bit of kindness. Of remembering the magnitude of everything you’ve gone through and what’s led you to where you are in your life. I was so lucky that a colleague accompanied me for a walk to help me clear my head but when I said to her “what would have been my 20th wedding anniversary is fast approaching,” I heard my voice crack. 

I haven’t really thought about just how significant this wedding anniversary was going to be. For the past few years, I’ve referred to the date as the anniversary of the day I became a Charlesworth. I’ve found it hard to refer to it as a wedding anniversary as I no longer feel married. I was. There is no denying it. I don’t want to. But I’m not married now. Every widow is different, but for me, I’m not married. I’m on my own. I’m widowed. Just writing that is hard. I battled with the phrase widow for a very long time. Now it’s a part of my identity. 

This time 20 years ago I was just over two weeks away from getting married. While I didn’t know exactly what the future was going to look like, I had a pretty good idea. I never envisaged my husband dying in a global pandemic just over 14 years later. That being a widow would become a part of my identity. The Friday of the August Bank Holiday weekend in 2005 saw the start of my hen weekend celebrations. A night out in Maidstone before heading to Bournemouth for the rest of the weekend. Full of hope. Full of plans. Some realised. Others not. 

I knew quite early on that I’d need to mark this anniversary. And so, I chose to think of a way to celebrate his life. To celebrate the marriage I did have. CharlieFest: Dress to Impress is how I decided to do that. To once again raise funds for the Intensive Care Unit at Medway Maritime Hospital. The unit who worked so tirelessly to care for him in the last three weeks of his life. Oh yes, did I forget to mention that I’m planning an event as well as working full time, becoming a Trustee and publishing a book? And I wonder why people tell me I do too much. 

If I’m honest. This event has become like a second full time job. Even more so than the previous two I’ve held. Everything about this year has felt harder. The cost of living. The ticket sales. The raffle ticket sales. People not seeing my social media posts because of the algorithm. The posts in local Facebook groups which are left as pending. The organisation of it and unexpected changes. All of which take their toll. Those nagging thoughts that plague me have become a bit more prevalent over the past few weeks. Do people care less about what happened to us now? Are people sitting there thinking “dear god, is she still banging on about her dead husband?” I think back to the previous ones I’ve held and wonder if I asked for help more or if people offered their help more freely? Probably a combination of the two in all honesty. Lives move on. People are busy. With all I have going on, I just have to get things done when I can. And if I’m honest, there is something about this event that I feel even more responsible for. It feels even more personal. It’s not just a fundraising event in memory of my late husband. It’s also in memory of our marriage and everything we had. 

I look at the current confirmed attendee list. It’s a very different list to the guest list for our wedding. People attending who never even met him. People not attending who were a huge part of his life and our married life. A sign of how times change. How lives move on. Again. I’ve wondered what the invite list would have looked like had we been hosting a 20th wedding anniversary party together. I’ll never know, but this is a prime example of something that affects me as a widow, and me alone. It comes back to that sentiment of being on my own. In so many ways, I am with my grief. I don’t for one second underestimate the impact of my late husband’s death on others, but how many other people are still having their day to day lives and routines impacted by it? How many others live with so many pertinent dates and reminders that only affect them? Who else said the words “til death do us part” only to have that become a reality far sooner than it should have been?

Yet as I have so many times since 2020, I can’t let myself dwell on thoughts like this. They don’t do me any favours. I had my moment last week. I didn’t ignore it or try to battle through it. I gave myself permission to feel how I was feeling. I joined a virtual Widowed and Young meeting to just vent with others who get it. It’s the first time for a while I’ve done that, be a member, be a widow and admit that this life is crap at times. I don’t have a bad life by any stretch of the imagination, but it is hard. And I knew that once I’d said out loud how I was feeling, I’d feel better. That’s exactly what happened. 

So, for now, I’m going to focus on the positives. I’m going to look for the little glimmers. The memories of my hen do this weekend 20 years ago. The memories of my marriage. All we achieved during those 14 years. 

The greatest achievement of all being our daughter. When I’ve had my moments questioning myself lately, she’s been the one to rationalise and talk sense into me. The one reminding me to focus on what we will achieve in two weeks to celebrate him and all that we had. All the donations made in his memory and the amount of money we’ve raised to help others in the last five years. 

But above all else. She is the best reminder I have of the future. Because whatever my future entails, whatever I chose to do with it, however I choose to manage being on my own, the parenting and love we both gave her; and I’ve continued to do; has led her to the point of being able to plan her future and what comes next. She has so many exciting tomorrows ahead of her. And I hope I do too. As she herself sang in Les Misérables the other week: 

“It is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes.”

 

Goodbye 2023

Images from across 2023


2023 will be done in a matter of hours. I can’t help but feel I’ve sort of blinked and missed it. And when I look back, I don’t really know where to begin. I can safely say that on 1 January 2023 I did not envisage going viral on social media, being in two national newspapers and a local newspaper because of my love for Jason Donovan, writing an article that would appear in another national newspaper, being attacked by the Easter Bunny, getting a tattoo, feeding a tiger, winning an award for my blog, braving a boudoir photoshoot or getting my middle out at Butlins. Amongst a myriad of other experiences that have happened this year. I guess this is why people say never tell me the odds. Because, quite simply, if someone had told me the odds of any of this happening, I’d never have believed them and placed a bet expecting to make a fortune.

So. Where to start? Probably at the very beginning, because it’s a very good place to start. I did what I always do when I write a blog summarising my year, read the one I wrote this time last year. I ended last year saying “bring on 2023… If I’m honest, it’s a little scary feeling more in control because I wonder what I’m actually capable of. What comes next for Emma…” I think I felt ready for what was to come my way this year. I think I felt that I was the strongest I’d been for a long time.

But within a couple of weeks, change came my way. My daughter started a new chapter in her life and became a teenager. I was unprepared for just how this would make me feel. I cried a lot in the run up to it. I had to sit and write because it was the only way I knew how to articulate the feelings I had about her entering this phase without her dad. I think it was one of the very first blogs of mine that she read. It made her cry. I didn’t intend for this to happen, but apparently this is what my blogs do to people. But as we got through her birthday and I watched her at her birthday party, I couldn’t have been prouder. My baby became a beautiful teenager surrounded by a lovely group of friends and she smiled. My word did she have a big smile on her face. She looked happy and relaxed. I simply had no real way of knowing what was heading our way just a few weeks later.

Before writing this, I made sure she was comfortable with what I was going to write. Because it’s her story and not mine. This year essentially saw her hit rock bottom. No-one would have known or suspected if they’d seen her at that party. But a year to the day since I was told I was heading for a nervous breakdown and a doctor signed me off sick, I had to take her to the doctor. It resulted in her being referred for counselling which she was then in for a number of months. As a mother, it’s the hardest thing watching your child go through something and not being able to fix it. To know how difficult it was for her to talk to a counsellor but knowing that she absolutely needed to do this. Knowing how difficult it was to make herself vulnerable. To talk about her anxiety with a stranger. But she persevered and did this. If you’d have told me after that doctor’s appointment that just a few months later she’d be painting herself green and performing as Elphaba in her dance school’s summer show, I’d never have believed you. I just wouldn’t have been able to envisage her having the confidence and self-belief to do this. But this is exactly what she did. She smashed it. It felt like the biggest win ever to see the progress she had made. For someone who has been told she’s loquacious (yes, it’s perfectly acceptable to Google the meaning of this word, trust me, I had to) I am pretty lost for words when it comes to describing just how proud of her I am and how far she’s come.

But equally, I’m proud of me and how far I’ve come. Yes. Broken Emma has been a part of my 2023 but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You have to experience and live through the bad to be able to appreciate the good. I haven’t achieved all I wanted to this year. But I’ve still achieved a heck of a lot. I changed my role at work in January. I built a balloon arch and hosted our first big gathering without Mr C for the coronation. We’ve been on a fabulous holiday with friends which saw me shockingly wear a bikini and take photos of myself in it. We’ve been able to go to the theatre. We’ve had adventures with friends.

And all of this against a backdrop of a year that hasn’t been without challenge. It was never going to be. While the sun always shines on TV (come on, I grew up watching Neighbours, falling in love with Jason and believing the Australian sunshine!) that’s not real life. This has been the year myself and my daughter have fallen ill for the first time since I was widowed. The year the perimenopause has taken hold. The year the UK Covid-19 Inquiry started with many revelations coming out. A number of which sent me down a “what if?” path. Watching the programme Partygate was tough but something I needed to do. It’s been the year my nan went into a care home. Initially just for respite, but 11 months later she’s still there. It was the right decision for her. Yet leaving her that first night broke my heart. Caring for someone with Alzheimer’s is one of the toughest things you can do. Because you simply cannot explain to them what is going on. But she settled, there’s been some other health issues throughout the year but on the whole she’s been doing ok. And then, on 23 December, we got a call. She’d had a fall and was being taken by ambulance to A&E. I was on a train home from London having seen Harry Potter and the Cursed Child with my daughter. There’s talk of a magic train in that play, and by the time the night had finished I felt I’d been on a magic train on the way home that had taken me to a parallel universe! Because not only had Nan broken her wrist, but that night also saw me get stuck behind a car accident on my way home and needing the police to try to jump-start my car after the battery died resulting in me being awake for 24 hours straight. No sun shining on me that day!

Yet as hard as this night was and as much as the tears did come, it didn’t knock me as much as it might have done this time last year. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t cried in the hospital, not only because of what had happened to my nan but because I find being in A&E a challenge. It sends me down a path of wondering what Mr C’s experience in A&E was like. What machines beeped when he was there. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wake up after some sleep on Christmas Eve and cry some more. But I looked for the humour in what had happened. I saw the funny side. The fact that you literally can’t write my life at times. I joked in a Facebook post that if anyone had the police trying to jump-start my car on their bingo card for what happens next in my life, to mark it off. I’ve learnt this year that levity is the best way for me to cope. It’s what gets me through. I doubt that will ever change.

But more than that. I’m proud of me because I know I have an air of confidence, self belief and a sparkle in my eye that wasn’t there a year ago. A lot of that has come from that boudoir photoshoot I won with Style Photography in August. Prior to this I’d have always said that in my experience there’s no such thing as luck, but I do feel exceptionally lucky for that win and the fact it gave me something I didn’t know I needed. I suspect there is a whole other blog coming about this and what it taught me. But when you look at a photo of yourself and query whether it’s been photoshopped, you realise you’ve been looking at yourself through the wrong eyes for a very long time. I’ll never know whether it was this that led to me wearing a two piece at Butlins. In 42 years, I’d never worn anything like this. I’m still absolutely staggered I did. Again. I’d have got good odds on this at the start of 2023! However. I did also learn something else very valuable during that trip. Don’t go to Butlins for a Halloween weekend. There are zombies, scary clowns and people in all sorts of masks for example, Michael Myers, who completely freak me out (masks terrify me). It’s why next year we’re going in September!

Yet all joking aside. That weekend was another example of confidence. The phrase “she’s leaking” took on a whole new meaning when I was just sat in the back of the car crying on the way. That weekend came at the end of a particularly griefy week and my hot water cylinder leaking. I toyed with not going. So, to have turned that around to be out in 80s fancy dress on the first night and with my middle out on the second isn’t something I think I could have done a year ago. I feel so lucky and privileged to have my girls in my life who got me through that weekend. Equally I feel so privileged and grateful for all the opportunities that have come my way this year. For the new people who have come into my life. For what they’ve taught me. For the friends and family who continue to be such a major part of my life and support me and my daughter. Who help me to be able to go to work and live my life. And above all else. I feel so grateful to everyone who donated so that my daughter and I were able to donate another £2,020 in Mr C’s memory from the sales of calendars featuring his photos between The Big Cat Sanctuary and Medway Hospital ICU.

As I wrote this listening to my daughter on karaoke with one of her closest friends and I looked ahead to 2024, I did so with a smile on my face. For the first time in nearly four years, I feel a real sense of contentment. 2024 is already shaping up to be a busy one and one filled with emotion. Star Wars Day is going to be pretty special. It’ll see me mark 20 years at PwC, 15 years since learning we were expecting Miss C and the day the next CharlieFest will take place to raise funds for Medway Hospital ICU. And while we have other adventures planned, we also have Mr C’s 50th birthday looming. There’s going to be a number of emotions and triggers associated with that. But my daughter and I will deal with them together. It’s simply what we do.

As for what else 2024 will bring, who knows. I’m not even going to try to guess. All I can do is ask one thing… never tell me the odds.

In sickness and in health

November has been a month that I wasn’t really anticipating for Team Charlesworth. I mean, I knew that November was going to happen, but in my military mission planning, I hadn’t anticipated that both of us would be pretty much wiped out by illness. Both of us for the first time since Mr C died.

I’ve written before about how to help me manage work, childcare, dog-care and simply live my life, I plan like I’ve never planned before. And this from the woman who laminates holiday itineraries! But it’s something I have to do now; spontaneity isn’t really a word that is part of my vocabulary since being widowed. There are times that I think it would just be nice to be able to do something without having to plan it weeks or months in advance, but I’ve sort of made peace with it now. This is how my life is and generally speaking, we’ve got in a good routine. Family and friends are brilliant when it comes to helping with Miss C and I have the most amazing doggy home boarder. We’ve got this.

But on 3 November, this routine and control came crashing down. I woke up after a dreadful night and just felt so, so ill. A quick inspection of my throat, on the advice of my sister, revealed white spots at the back of my throat and on my tonsils. I felt like my throat was full of razor blades. I felt exhausted. I did something that I couldn’t tell you the last time I’d done for reasons other than my mental health. I called in sick. I knew that I simply couldn’t work. But, despite feeling so awful, I then did the school run. Because I had no option. I couldn’t simply go back to bed and get Mr C to do it. A few hours later I managed to speak to a doctor and was given a prescription for antibiotics. I rang my mum in tears because I just didn’t think I could drive to pick them up. She got this for me and brought it round. Other than that, I didn’t make it out of bed. I just had no strength to move. Until 3pm, when I went and did the school run.

It might sound silly, but part of me needed to do that school run. I needed to show my daughter that I was still able to function and do a certain number of “normal” things. The last time there was real illness in our house aside from the odd migraine or minor colds was when Mr C fell ill. I don’t ever want her panicking and worrying about me. But more than that. To organise someone else to do it took energy. There is no husband to step in and help me now. If I messaged someone and they couldn’t do it, I’d have to message someone else. And if they couldn’t do it, someone else. I merely didn’t have the headspace to organise this. The organiser was down. So, it became easier to do it myself.

Over the course of that weekend, I barely moved off the sofa. Except do the dancing run and pick up a parcel from Asda. Doing so resulted in me sleeping for three hours because I’d worn myself out. I slept an inordinate amount that weekend. I just couldn’t do anything. It felt like my entire body was being attacked. It felt like my body had simply said “you will stop.” But. I still have a child and a dog. I’m fortunate that my dog is fairly lazy and didn’t object to not being walked for days. But it’s not that easy with a child. She still needed looking after, she still needed feeding and all the things I’d usually do. But I couldn’t do it. She was amazing. She cared for me. She cooked all the meals. She put the shopping away when it was delivered. She sat and did her homework while I slept. Granted, I did query why she can’t do this when I’m not ill! But there was no alternative. In the same way she stepped in and cared for me when I fell apart when Mr C died, she was having to do it all again. This is the part of childhood bereavement that I think gets forgotten. In circumstances such as ours, children end up caring for adults. They take on a huge burden of responsibility. Because there is no-one else in the house to do it.

All of this made me feel exceptionally vulnerable. It reignited those feelings I’d had in the summer when I ended up in minor injuries with a head injury. Because while I’m not alone, it just reminded me that I am, on my own. And there is no obvious person to step in and help any more. I didn’t ask for this. Yet here I am, living and dealing with it. The feeling of vulnerability is always there, but sometimes it becomes all consuming. Being ill was another example of that.

It took me a good couple of weeks to feel human and feel like myself again. I knew that I had to listen to my body and not do too much. I was too scared of relapsing. But what I hadn’t known about tonsillitis until now was that it completely drains you, as well as giving you a sore throat. I couldn’t go to the office for a week because I had no energy. I had to go to bed early. I just had to rest and look after me.

And then. Just as I thought we were back on an even keel; Miss C fell ill last weekend. That military mission planning was really being tested. In the early hours of Monday morning, I awoke to her being sick. All over my bedroom carpet. Absolutely not her fault, illness is what it is, but it needed dealing with. But in a horrible reminder of the night Mr C went to ICU, I was once again torn. I knew she needed me to be with her and needed cuddles, but I also knew I had to clear up because to leave it until the morning would just make it worse. Once again, just as she was on 30 March 2020, she had to be on her own for a little bit. It was triggering for me. The guilt I feel towards her about being on her own when our entire world was collapsing is something that I don’t think will ever leave me.

But just a few hours later, the alarm went off for me to get up for work. I was knackered. Fortunately, I was working from home, but I was juggling a sick child and work for the first time. That vulnerability and feeling of being on my own kicked in again. There was no trade off. There was no-one for me to say to “can you sit with her today while I work, and then I’ll do it tomorrow?” I was juggling it all on my own. My mum and stepdad took over for me on Wednesday so that I was able to go into the office, but I’ve not been able to go in as much as I’d planned to this week. The military planning hasn’t worked this week. Because, at the end of the day, what my daughter wants and needs when she’s ill is a parent. There’s nothing quite like a hug from your parent when you’re sick. And I’m the only one she’s got now. I know how hard that is for her. Especially when she’s feeling ill. It’s time like this that you miss the person you’ve lost even more. She hasn’t said it, but I strongly suspect she’s feeling just as vulnerable as me right now. And that loss is feeling even more paramount. As she went to bed the other night she looked at me and said, “thank you for caring for me.” I told her it’s what I’ll always do. It’s what she’ll always do. We’ll care for each other forever. Because the last three and a half years have taught us even more that it’s what we need to do. Nothing else really matters except the two of us.

Yet as well as having someone to care for us in sickness, I’ve also really missed that person to care for us in health. I’m rapidly approaching four years into this new life of mine, but over the past few months, I’ve felt his absence that little bit more. When opportunities have presented themselves, I’ve not had anyone at home with me to discuss and sanity check them with. To just talk through the pros and cons. I’ve had to apply for a mortgage on my own for the first time and be the sole person to make financial decisions about our future. No-one to discuss it with. Likewise, when I was ill, I didn’t have that sounding board and person to talk to. To be able to look after me and our daughter. While Miss C has been ill, I’ve not had that person to bounce thoughts off. To stop me googling her symptoms at 3:30am. To help me rationalise.

This month and our illnesses have been firsts for us. And they’re probably firsts that no-one really thinks about. In a way I consider myself lucky that it’s taken over three years for us to face them. But at the same time, it’s been a stark reminder that our lives are changed forever. We no doubt still have so much more ahead of us that will be firsts that we aren’t expecting. But one thing I do know. The formidable team that is me and Miss C will face them headlong together. It’s what we do. And nothing and no-one will ever break us.

A different WAY forward

Wow, it’s been a heck of a week. It’s been a full on juggle this week. Early starts for work. Dancing runs. Sorting childcare. Sorting doggy care. Travel. Three nights away from home. And the Widowed and Young (WAY) AGM and Annual Get Together.

This was the second one I’ve attended. Both times I’ve met some wonderful people with some heart-breaking and incredible stories. I felt more comfortable and confident this year. I knew a lot more people. I knew what to expect. It didn’t feel quite as scary to be walking into the room. And of course. I had my comfort blanket and angel there with me. The gorgeous other Emma, the brains behind Rainbow Hunting.

Over the past two years I think we’ve become each other’s biggest cheerleaders. We’ve become a bit of a dynamic duo and double act. Neither one of us really know which one is Emma 1 and Emma 2. We just kind of roll with it. We’re always there at the end of the phone for one another. And have so much fun whenever we’re together.

Emma was encouraging and championing me so much yesterday. You see, at the AGM the winner of the Helen Bailey blog award for best WAY blogger is announced. For the second year in a row, I was nominated. There are so many great bloggers who are part of WAY that I find it incredibly humbling to even be nominated. When I first started writing, I didn’t expect anyone to read my words. I don’t really write for others. I don’t sit down at the start of the month and plan what I’m going to write. I only really write when I have something to say. But I have grown to find it so incredibly cathartic. I often write before I go to sleep because it helps me get thoughts out of my head. It helps me to try to get a bit of clarity in my life.

Yesterday was triggering and emotional for a number of us in the room. When you have a room full of people who have been widowed before their 51st birthday, it’s inevitable that emotion will be high.

As we headed towards the end of the day, Emma was cheerleading and encouraging me about the nomination. It was so, so lovely. But I kept managing her expectations. “It won’t be me” I said. And I wholeheartedly believed that. Because despite what everyone tells me, I struggle to believe I’m actually good at this. That I’m good at writing. I went to university to study journalism but dropped out after three months because it wasn’t for me. Life took over and my path and way forward changed. The irony that I’ve now started writing and had an article published in the Metro online this year doesn’t escape me.

My friends and family always comment on my writing. They tell me how amazing it is. But the low self esteem and confidence that has plagued me for a lot of my life has often led me to wonder whether they say that because they feel they “have” to. After all, they’ve pretty much seen me at my worst, they must worry that if they told me my blogs were rubbish, whether they might tip me over the edge.

It’s why the nominations the last two years have meant so much. Because the nominations are made by WAY members. The winner is voted for by WAY members. These are people who get it. These are people who might have very, very different circumstances to me, but people who know the range of emotions to go through as a young widow. How utterly, utterly different your life becomes. In every single aspect. Everything about your life changes. Everything. So, when other widows tell me that they value what I write and it resonates, I always get choked. I just find it so humbling.

As the shortlist for the award yesterday was announced, Emma was holding my hand. As I had done to her just a few hours before when she was emotional following one of our speakers. And then the winner was announced. It was me. I had won it. The 2023 WAY Helen Bailey award for best blogger went to me and Life is a rollercoaster. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t an element of disbelief. As I walked up to collect the award, the emotion hit. I could feel the tears coming. “Please don’t make me say anything” I said to Jo Sedley-Burke, the Chair of WAY. I knew that I simply wouldn’t be able to do this. Fortunately, she didn’t make me. She just gave me a really big squeeze and the actual award. Emma was next in line with the squeezes. I could tell how proud of me she was. And that also meant the world. Having someone champion you in this new world is beyond invaluable.

As I went back to my room to get ready for the evening, the tears were a bit more free flowing. There were people I knew that I needed to tell before it went public on social media. Certain family and friends needed to hear it from me. I wanted them to know and to tell them first. One of them was someone who has only become a friend because of this blog. That is the power of writing. That is the power of WAY. It brings people into your world who wouldn’t be otherwise. And my word. I feel so exceptionally lucky to have them into my world.

Last night, I danced the night away with Emma. With people I’d met at the AGM last year. With people I met this year. It’s one of the most uplifting and positive evenings. So much heartache and tragedy in the room, yet so much positivity and smiling. And then I went back to my room and reflected. I reflected on the win all the way home. Which was quite a lot given it was a four-hour drive. Before picking my daughter up, I headed to Mr C’s Memorial Bench. I sat there with the award for a little bit. It might be my name on the award, but the win is very much for him and our daughter too. For everything the three of us have gone through and will continue to go through.

This new world and this new path are not ones I would ever have chosen. I would give anything to swap them. But, without wanting to sound blunt, I can’t. This is my new world. My new now. My new way. I am beyond grateful and thankful to every single person who has taken the time to read my words. To every single person who took the time to nominate me. To every single person who took the time to vote for me. It might sound trite, but it genuinely, genuinely means the absolute world to me. I don’t and won’t ever take it for granted. Thank you. A million times thank you. By doing this, you have also helped me.

I sit here tonight, not only thankful, but also proud. Proud of everything this blog has achieved. Proud of every person it has helped, whether directly or indirectly. Proud that my words have been able to do this. I am now finally comfortable to say, “I’m good at this” and “I can write.” I have plans for my writing. I have things up my sleeve. My life has taken a very different WAY forward, but it’s taking me on a new and exciting path. The win yesterday was just the beginning. I have no doubt of that. And I know with the WAY crew, as well as my family and friends in my corner, I’m capable of achieving anything I put my mind to.

Am I going to die?

“Your sister has had an incident with a rabbit.”

I’m fairly sure this isn’t what my sister was expecting to hear when she saw my daughter’s number flash up on her phone last Sunday afternoon. Confused is the best way to describe her response. And I think the confusion became even greater when my mum followed up with that the Easter Bunny had fallen on my head. We’re in August after all, what on earth was she expected to think?!

But let me take you back to the beginning of this story. Last weekend was the weekend I’d had earmarked for months to empty, sort and tidy up the man cave at the bottom of the garden. It’s become a bit of a dumping ground over the last couple of years, but when it reached the point that I was struggling to even get in and needed to climb over boxes just to move, I knew something had to be done. The past few months have been pretty chaotic, and we had to clear it in the summer to prevent things being rained on, so August it was. I’d been off work for a couple of weeks, and it just felt like this was the perfect opportunity.

Saturday morning, I was fired up. I was raring to go. I was annoyed with myself that I’d let it get into this state and became a bit of a woman on a mission. “No, not used that in years, that can go” became a frequent phrase of mine. My mum, stepdad and I created piles of bits to stay, go to the tip (I do love a tip run after all!) and go to charity shops. By mid afternoon on Saturday, one side was all done and dusted. A proper sense of achievement, and I felt that Sunday would be a slightly easier day as the majority of the bits on the other side were already in boxes and just needed organising better.

But on Sunday morning, I wasn’t feeling as fired up. I’d woken up and tried to find family photos and videos of Mr C singing to send to accompany a recent podcast I’d recorded, and in that moment, I felt sad. The tears started to flow, and it felt like it was going to be harder doing more sorting of his belongings without him. It was, as I’ve come to know them, “a grief-y day.” But I persevered. My mum and stepdad came round again to help, and we got it done. More charity shop bags were created, and another tip run booked. We were going to finish earlier than the previous day and would then be all good to sit down with a cuppa. That was, until the Easter Bunny attacked.

As my mum and I went to put something in front of the windows, I accidently knocked the bunny which was on top of a box. It fell, hit me on the head and then fell to the floor where its foot was smashed off. I swore quite emphatically. It had really hurt after all, but I then continued with what I was doing. Mum walked out of the man cave to get a bag of peas or something else cold to pop on my head (benefit of her having been a nurse for over 30 years, she knows exactly what to do in circumstances like this). And then I realised my head and neck felt wet, feeling confused I put my hand there and discovered I was bleeding, and in my mind, there was a lot of blood.

“I’m bleeding” I then shouted and went to sit down in the garden. Mum was there, putting wet, cold kitchen towel on my head to stem the bleeding and I think it was at this point, I went into shock. “Am I going to die?” I asked her. The rational side of me knew I wasn’t, I hadn’t passed out and it wasn’t the most severe of bangs to the head, but the fear was palpable. As I looked at my daughter, I sobbed “I can’t die, I can’t leave her by herself, please don’t let me die.” Again, rational Emma knew this was unlikely, but vulnerable, irrational, widow Emma was scared. I think this Emma took my mum a little by surprise, it’s not often that I’m vulnerable like this in front of others. At this point, she sent my daughter indoors to make me a cup of sweet tea and made the call to my sister in a bid to get her to help calm me down and see sense. Ever the pragmatic realist, my sister was able to do this to a point and then we went to Minor Injuries.

Explaining that a giant rabbit had fallen on my head did feel, quite frankly, ridiculous. But then came the question which anyone who has lost someone close to them dreads “who is your next of kin?” I’d been there before; I knew chances were that I’d already changed it from Mr C but in that moment everything just felt too much. “I don’t know, I suppose it’s my mum” was my response as I started crying again. I don’t want to be reminded that I no longer have a spouse. The receptionist very kindly gave me a tissue and then I went to sit in the waiting area. Fortunately, I was seen relatively quickly and established I didn’t need stitches or any further treatment but needed to rest and do very little for the next 24 hours. I went back to my mums where she cooked us dinner, dozed on and off and then went home.

The next morning when I woke up, I was still feeling incredibly vulnerable. It just reminded me that accidents happen. Life can change in a heartbeat. The fear of leaving my daughter was the highest it’s been for a very long time. I sat on the sofa and just sobbed. While the physical pain had lessened, the emotional pain was a little bit higher. The underlying fear that lives inside me was that little bit higher. I don’t do sitting at the best of times but knew that I needed to rest. As much for my mental health as the physical recovery.

A few hours later, my stepdad popped round to help me take things to the charity shop and the dog to the groomers. But in another twist of fate, as we were looking at a broken picture frame, I unclipped part of it and a large shard of glass slipped and cut his leg. There was blood everywhere. Not overly great when you live with a child who doesn’t do blood! The fear crept in again, I felt sick. How could this have happened? Someone had literally just popped round to help me and there’d been another accident. I wasn’t entirely sure this was what was meant by taking it easy! Back to Minor Injuries I went, and the wait times were a lot longer than they’d been the day before. The guilt kicked in even more at this point, he was going to be there over lunch, and it was all my fault. I’d have to tell mum who was at work blissfully unaware of the carnage that had occurred. To cut a long story short, Minor Injuries were unable to help him, and he then had to go to A&E. Two hospitals, stitches, tetanus, antibiotics and eight hours after he’d come round to mine, he finally made it home. Guilt, emotion, vulnerability increasing by the second.

And as we were sat waiting for news from him, my daughter put Gavin and Stacey on. The episode where they get married. If you’ve not seen it, the bride’s uncle brings out a letter from her late father that he wrote for her wedding day. My tears were back. I yelled at my daughter to turn it off. I just couldn’t face dealing with seeing this on a TV screen. It’s something that pains me to this day and will probably pain me forever that Mr C never got the chance to do something like this. That he never got to tell people how he felt about them, to write letters for her as she grows up and more importantly, that he never got to say goodbye. To anyone. He was robbed of that opportunity, and I hate it. I absolutely hate it. For him and everyone who was left behind.

I went to bed that night emotionally fraught and done in again. Two accidents in two days. I was feeling the most vulnerable and fearful I’d felt in such a long time. I just wanted someone to give me a hug and tell me it was all going to be ok. Yet over the next few days, these feelings started to dissipate a little. My daughter had some friends over, I had my lovely WAY angel stay, we took cheques to both The Big Cat Sanctuary and Medway Hospital ITU totalling £2,020 from the profits from his calendar sales. I started to feel a bit more with it again. I then went away on Friday for a fabulous weekend with friends to see Jason Donovan. I’ve probably drunken and eaten too much over the past few days, but I’ve also let go. I’ve not been Control Freak Emma (can I get a range of dolls made like Barbie please?!) and I’ve had so much fun.

And on the drive home today it hit me. A week ago, I was a mess. A proper emotional mess. But what I’m learning as I go through widowhood is that while these days and feeling like this will never, ever go away, what has happened and will continue to happen, is that I’m better at managing them, accepting that they’re part of life and being able to bounce back that little bit quicker from them each and every time. I’ve learnt that it’s ok to be vulnerable, but it’s been a heck of a long time since that vulnerability and fear came to the fore as it did last weekend.

Yet that’s ok, and just serves as a very good reminder to be wary of the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Father Christmas in future… turns out when they’re mixed with a clumsy person they can be a tad dangerous!

Widowhood is like a walk in the park

Imagine of the last selfie of Emma and Stuart Charlesworth plus a recent picture of Emma Charlesworth

Tomorrow marks our fourth Fathers’ Day without Mr C. I’m not sure there will ever come a time that this feels right, our daughter only had 10 with him, how can she possibly have done four without him by the time she goes to bed tomorrow night? And tomorrow also marks three years since I made my first post in the Widowed and Young (WAY) Facebook group, introducing myself, sharing the last ever selfie of the two of us and telling a brief overview of our story. Looking back now I think it’s fair to say that I didn’t really know what it was going to be like living as a widow when I made this post. And more importantly, what it was going to be like living as a young widow. I think the t-shirt my sister bought me for Christmas sums it up. It’s like a walk in the park. Assuming that park is Jurassic Park.

I’ve written before about being a little bit of a control freak. I’ve struggled at the complete and utter lack of control in my life a lot over the last three years. Yes. I do try to find ways to bring elements of control into it, but the simple fact is that I’m not sure I’ll ever be 100% in control again. And that is quite a scary prospect. A couple of months ago, after a particularly difficult day, I was sat just before midnight, with a bottle of wine, sobbing ( otherwise known as a Widow Wail (phrase I learnt today while hosting a WAY New Member Zoom)) and needing to read all the Facebook posts made in the days after he died and watching his funeral simply to feel close to him. This came from nowhere. I didn’t wake up that morning expecting it to be a difficult day for us. I didn’t wake up that morning and think “I know what’ll make for a fun Saturday night. I’ll watch his funeral until the early hours.” But this is what I mean about the lack of control. I don’t have a choice as to how I feel on any given day, it just sneaks up and hits me. Looking back to the day I made that initial post in the WAY group, I’m not entirely sure what I envisaged my life would be like, but a tiny part of me wouldn’t have expected days like this to still be happening nearly three years in. Naivete, I guess. But I didn’t really know what to expect. Who does? Grief is the most individual thing to experience, no matter how many others around you are also experiencing it.

The untold pressure I feel is huge. The ramifications of everything I do constantly weigh on my mind. Shortly before we went on holiday recently, I had a day whereby I just completely and utterly felt like I had let my daughter down. That I wasn’t good enough. That the juggle of working full time, being a mother, grieving the loss of my husband, trying to sort out care for my nan and still make time for me simply meant I’d dropped some balls along the way. And this was going to, and will have, an impact on us over the next year. My sister, quite rightly, put me in my place and told me that in no way had I let my daughter down, but it didn’t stop the feeling. It didn’t stop the tears that fell. Because I’m all my daughter has now. If I mess up, if I’m not at the top of my game, if I drop some balls, then it has a knock-on effect on what I can do for her, what I can offer her and there’s no-one else to step in and take that pressure off. The rational side of me knows that I am good enough, all she really needs is to feel loved and I give her that in spades, but that irrational, grieving widow just sometimes forgets it. And I simply don’t get a choice as to which version of me takes over and leads the charge when it comes to my thoughts.

And that leads me nicely onto another learning over the past three years. Choice. Or rather the lack of it. I wasn’t given a choice about this situation. Because I can safely assure you that I would have said no had this been the case! It’s one of the reasons I struggled so much in the early days with everyone telling me how brave and strong I was, I just wanted to shout at them that I wasn’t. That I was simply trying to live with the hand that life had dealt me. About six months in, I think I was ready to punch the next person who called me brave or strong (for anyone who watched the Kelsey Parker, Life after Tom documentary, you would have actually seen me say this on National TV!) but it’s true. I’m now better at acknowledging that yes, I have been insanely strong to not only achieve all I have in the most surreal of circumstances, but to still be standing. I’m not sure I’ll ever willingly call myself brave, but I will admit strength. It’s a strength I simply didn’t know I had in me until I was put through the toughest test of my life.

I’ve had to learn to adjust to the lack of choice about all aspects of my life. When I was growing up and imagining the marriage and the 2.4 children, at no point did I envisage being 42, on my own, solo parenting and having to ask my mum’s permission to go out! A prime example of this happened recently, I’d been in the office all day, my daughter was with my mum after school and some rather fabulous friends suggested meeting for a drink off the train. But I can’t just say yes anymore and tell Mr C what I’m doing, I had to ring my mum and ask if this was ok. When we then decided to stay out a teeny bit later, I again had to ring to ask if I could stay out later. 9pm was the agreed time that my stepdad would come and pick me up. 42 and on a curfew set by my mum, definitely living the dream here! But while I joke about this, the simple reality is that I couldn’t do anywhere near as much as I do without my mum and stepdad. From going to the office, to having nights out and the odd weekend away, I just couldn’t do it. I am forever indebted to them for all they do, and will continue to do for us. I don’t have the adequate words to express my gratitude, but it doesn’t mean I find it easy. To constantly have to check that they can help me out, and if they can’t, then have to ask friends or other family if they can. I absolutely 100% know that none of them mind in the slightest, and that people are happy to help, but it doesn’t mean it’s easy for me. While I might be Little Miss Organised and Little Miss Laminator, there are times when I wish spontaneity was a word that existed in my new life a little bit more.

It’s why I often do a bit of an eye roll when people ask me about dating again. Could you imagine what a catch I’d be? “I can offer you a Friday night in two months’ time once I’ve coordinated childcare, dog-care, work and around the other existing plans I’ve made months in advance because I have to get my life planned in order to do anything. Oh, and by the way, I also have an irrational love for Jason Donovan.” Who wouldn’t want me?! Again, the sarcastic, self-defensive side of me kicks in, because it’s just so, so hard to contemplate.

My daughter and I have recently had some very heated discussions about the prospect of me dating again. She inadvertently discovered the profile I’d created on a dating app, and it led to her feeling that I’d lied to her. But the simple truth, and as I told her, is I don’t think I want to date right now or go headlong into a relationship. I’m not actually sure where I’d find the time, but maybe that’s just because it’s not high on my list of priorities and if it was, I’d make time. But that doesn’t stop me feeling lonely. It doesn’t stop me wanting to have someone to care for. To have someone care for me. And have someone at the end of a long day send you a message asking how your day was.

It was the day after one of these discussions with her that I read an article by one of my LinkedIn connections, Alex Delaney, Co-Founder of Lemons.Life whereby she spoke about how she reacted after losing her husband. For the more easily offended among you, you might want to stop reading now! But I applaud Alex for being so honest about her experience and in particular about “Widows Fire.” Again. Another term that three years ago I hadn’t heard of. I can categorically tell you that this exists and is utterly real. There are days when you crave, long for and would do just about anything to have physical touch, to the point that it’s probably quite fortunate that our postman doesn’t have to ring the bell and can just leave parcels in the porch! Because it is that strong and overwhelming. It comes from nowhere. And there is no rhyme or reason for it.

But here’s the thing. Even if I wanted to go down the route that Alex chose to, it’s not that simple for me. We’re back to that choice and permission again. I very rarely go back to an empty house. Whoever is looking after my daughter always asks me where I’m going, who I’m going out with, and what time I’ll be home. Without question I’m exceptionally lucky to have so many people care for me, but could you imagine if I was to respond with “You wouldn’t know him Mum, I’m just off to have a casual night with someone I met on the internet.” I’m fairly sure that I know the response I’d get! And while there is a running joke amongst family and friends that I have 12 men on the go (I don’t, for the avoidance of doubt), I’m 42 now, I’m not sure where I’d get the energy from to do this! But if I’m being honest, there is a part of me that wonders what it must be like to be this age, to still want to feel desired, to act on those desires and not have to plan it weeks or possibly months in advance.

Yet, this is something my daughter cannot understand, because she simply doesn’t have the emotional maturity to. To her, it’s simple. I either love her dad or I love someone else. It’s not possible for me to do both. It’s not possible for me to love him but go out on dates. There is no just having a bit of fun. Even a friend with benefits would be out of the question if she had her way. Because in her eyes there is no grey. It’s black and white. And I completely understand that. I’m supportive of, and completely respect her views and do all I can do to reassure her that I’m not about to abandon her for a man. But it doesn’t mean that this is an easy situation for me to deal with. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want some affection, that I don’t think about it and wonder ‘what if?’ It doesn’t mean that I don’t get frustrated at what feels like a complete lack of choice or options.

Yet I’d be lying if I said widowhood had been all doom and gloom. It hasn’t. I have smiled, laughed, have had some brilliant adventures and am looking healthy again with a sparkle in my eyes. That’s not to say I wouldn’t give anything to have Mr C back, but I do find that you have to look for the things to be thankful for. For a start, I’d never have got away with the new flooring I chose in my kitchen and conservatory, decorating our utility room to be insanely pink or putting up numerous photos of Jason around the house. But more than anything widowhood has taught me so much about myself and what I’m capable of. It’s brought some rather brilliant and amazing people into my life who I’m fortunate to call friends. Again, I didn’t envisage that when I made that first post and while I hate what’s brought us together, I feel very lucky to have found them. None of us want to be in this situation, but that common ground is something that along with a dark sense of humour keeps us all going. It creates a bond. And without question shows that there is a WAY forward and that it is possible to keep living. Even on those very dark days.

Hang on to your love

Pictures of Emma Charlesworth and Jason Donovan across 2022

For the last two years I’ve posted a blog on 1 June, or as I prefer to call it Jason’s birthday. Mind you, since my daughter learnt it’s also Tom Holland’s birthday on 1 June, apparently that takes priority. Honestly. I don’t know where she gets it from. But as I read back the blogs from the last two years, I wasn’t sure if I’d have anything to say this year in honour of Jason’s birthday. I didn’t want it to feel like I was shoehorning a blog in just for the sake of mentioning him (again). And then I realised that once again this year, there’s been some key moments and learnings that have been linked to Jason. Probably not a surprise really.

I think back to this time a year ago when I wrote about just how difficult I’d found it changing my profile pic to be one that didn’t feature Mr C, and how it was a photo with Jason that finally made me feel able to do it. I’ve changed my profile picture on Facebook numerous times since then, each time it gets that little bit easier. I don’t overthink it anywhere near as much as I was doing before. I guess this is what people mean when they talk about time being a healer.

But while time does help to heal, and can show you how much progress you’ve made, the reality of mine and my daughter’s situation never really goes away. A classic example of this came at the end of June last year, the night before I was due to see Jason in Grease with my Northern Nutter. Every now and then, things just get too much for Miss C, she is essentially a carbon copy of me, she can go and go and then things build up and it’s like we’re a pressure cooker. Simply explode. It’s the best analogy I have to describe both of us, and it’s something that I’ve had to work on a lot over the years. This evening in particular was a bad one for her, which ultimately means it’s a bad one for me too.

It was a stark reminder that despite all the other hats I wear, that I’m a mother. First and foremost, I’m a mother. Every single day since Mr C fell ill has ultimately reinforced that. I would do absolutely anything for my daughter, because she is, without question, my priority. And as she exploded at me, my fears and concern for her were so great, that I knew that despite how much I was looking forward to the following day, I couldn’t go. She, not Jason, was who I needed to spend the following evening with. I didn’t want to leave her.

This wasn’t me being overdramatic, this is my reality. I will simply prioritise her above me every single time. I rang my sister and asked her to take the ticket and to go the following day. I explained what had happened and that I simply didn’t want to not be at home. I didn’t want my daughter to feel I was abandoning her. Yes. I really was prepared to give up a ticket to see Jason for my daughter.

And while my sister said that she would take it, she talked to me. She rang and spoke to my daughter. She was the voice of reason for both of us. Because she reminded me that I’m also a person. And every now and then I am ok to prioritise me. Despite whatever else might be going on in my life, sometimes prioritising me is ok. It was quite hard to hear. I felt guilty for wanting to still go and have fun and see Jason. The constant conflict in my life. But 24 hours later I was so blinking glad she had reminded me of that. I simply had the most fabulous time with my kindred spirit eating fish finger sandwiches (nothing wrong with brown bread right?!), drinking cocktails and prosecco, and learning that I will simply never be as cool as she is even when I attempt to dress as a Pink Lady. I have never laughed so much at a stage door stakeout, especially when the three policemen walked up behind us! It was definitely worth the wait, Jason was as wonderful as ever, he posed for photos with us both and we whooped appropriately as he’d asked us to when he came on stage.

At the end of the day, I went home and was still a mother. But I actually think I was a slightly better one because I’d given myself a night off and looked after me. I don’t know if it was the cocktails talking, but it simply reminded me that I can’t pour from an empty cup. Prioritising me is just as important as prioritising my daughter. But that’s one of the things about widowhood and solo parenting a bereaved child, you tend to forget that a lot of the time.

Yet I won’t lie, the surprise trip to Bristol in September a few months later was prioritising Miss C. Yes, Jason was obviously there too, but I made the sacrifice and organised a brilliant surprise for so she could be front row to see Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and in particular, Jac Yarrow as Joseph. She had no idea until my sister and I got her to the theatre and saw Jac standing there. He was as lovely as always and when I met Jason a little bit later, his words to me “It’s been a long time, how are you?” made me melt. Not going to lie about that! And just a few weeks later in October, prioritising my daughter was again, without question, what I needed to do. You see, we went to see Joseph in Southend. On driving there, we learnt that Jac was ill and wouldn’t be performing. I think it’s fair to say that my daughter was heartbroken on learning this. “Are we stage dooring?” my mum asked when we arrived. “No” was my response. Because as much as I always love to do a stage door stakeout and chat to Jason, in that moment, I knew that my daughter was my priority. It would have simply been too hard for her to do it knowing that it wouldn’t have been possible for her to see the one person she wanted to. I couldn’t do that to her. That day she was the priority. Not me. Not Jason. Her. Because I’m first and foremost a mother. And I don’t want her feeling any more pain than she needs to.

Plus I knew I was seeing Jason again a couple of weeks later in Grease two nights in a row (a first for me). This was around the time that I was simply trying to do too much, trying to prove that I could do my old life and ultimately coming to the realisation that I can’t do that anymore. It’s what led me to realise that I’m not wonder woman and to re-evaluate all I was doing. See. Everything always, always comes back to Jason! Yet the stage door escapades were just as amusing as they had been back in June, even if he did tell me and the Northern Nutter off for waiting for him and not being in the theatre! Most amusing of all was his question “who’s Carl?” upon seeing my We love Carl badge (that’s a whole other story to be fair). It was another fun evening, yet, I can see in the photos how tired I looked. It was a far cry from how I’d looked in June and September. My Jason photos of 2022 really do tell a story about my widowhood journey.

And sadly, I didn’t manage to find anyone that wanted to take me to Australia to see Jason in Rocky Horror which is where he’s been for a large part of 2023. But he was back in the UK and did a one-off gig at Indigo at The O2 in April. Obviously I got tickets, although that in itself wasn’t without its stresses and confusion! And as the excitement started to build, a couple of friends made me smile. Without even realising just how much I value it, they started to wind me up. Both of these people have come into my life in the last year, and I hope they’ll both be in my life for a long time to come. “I think he’s got your name on the door to get security to question you. I’d be surprised if you made it in” was one of the messages received. When I joked with my other friend that I was on a hot date that evening, “Do not mention JD” was his response. I subsequently admitted that the hot date was, in fact, a Jason gig. But this ribbing about Jason really does mean a lot to me. Because it’s what Mr C used to do. As much as I tell my friends off for being mean to me, I secretly enjoy it. I enjoy the banter. It’s like when my daughter said “Is that all? Feels like you’ve been banging on about that for forever” when I told her it was a year since I’d got engaged. In an odd way, these things help keep Mr C with me and a part of the Jason adoration. Because every time I get a cutting comment from my daughter or messages from friends like these, I smile or laugh as I used to when he used to send them. I like the fact that I can be so open now about Jason from the off with new people who come into my life and that they feel comfortable enough to wind me up about it. It took years for me to get like that with Mr C, but now it’s simply part of who I am. Take it or leave it. I’m not giving up Jason for anyone, not even for that handsome millionaire that I’ve tasked my friends with finding for me!

And just the other day when on a work call, a new colleague queried the picture in my office. “Oh, that’s my marriage proposal from Jason Donovan” was my response as though it’s the most normal thing in the world to have something like this on your wall. Again, I was reminded how far I’ve come in feeling comfortable in myself to have conversations like this. How it doesn’t bother me anymore that while it might not be cool to admit to being a Jason Donovan fan, it’s certainly not something I’d have done in my teenage years or early 20s, it’s just part of who I am. A woman who is first and foremost a mother, but a woman who has also had some amazing experiences and learnings thanks to the celebrity she fell in love with at the age of seven. To write a blog dedicated to that man on his birthday once a year isn’t shoehorning him in, it’s actually the most natural thing in the world to do. Because he’s a massive part of my rollercoaster life. And one day, when I grow up, I still want to marry Jason Donovan. I think I always will.

Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?

I’m struggling to get my head around today. Three years. Three years since the hope we’d all been clinging to was lost. Someone said to me during the three weeks Mr C was in ITU, “where there’s life, there’s hope.” But three years ago, our hope, and with it, his life were lost. I don’t really know why three years feels so much longer than two years, but it does, it really does. My daughter and I have found the thought of this one more of a challenge. It just feels like a really, really long time.

But it’s not really, is it? In the grand scheme of things, it’s still just a short amount of time. I remember being at the Widowed and Young AGM in September last year, and a fellow widow commented that I was still early in my journey. In my head, I couldn’t quite work out how two and a half years was early, after all, it felt like forever to me, but the reality is that it’s not that long at all. Not when I think about his, and my story.

A year ago, my blog “Learning to live with the unimaginable…” was inspired by Hamilton. I think, to a certain extent, this one is inspired by that musical too. I recently took our daughter to see it again (I rue the day we ever got her into musical theatre!) and this time my sobs were also at “Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?” This question feels a particularly pertinent and relevant one for me. I remember some of the very few calls I made on this day three years ago. “Please help me make sure he isn’t forgotten.” “Please help me make sure she doesn’t forget him.” “Please help me keep his memory alive.” I uttered all three of these phrases whilst telling people he had died. Welcome to the world of widowhood. Even just a few hours into this new life, the fear was there. I hadn’t realised then just how acquainted fear and I were going to become as my story continued.

Fear has definitely become one of my main drivers over the last three years. Fear of pain. Fear of losing others. Fear of him being forgotten. I think this latter point is what drives me most of all. Why I’ve chosen to tell his, and my story. I think that’s why these lyrics always make me take a sharp intake of breath and make those sobs just a little bit stronger:

“You could have done so much more if you only had time And when my time is up, have I done enough? Will they tell your story?”

I know how much more he wanted to achieve in his life. I know how much more he was capable of. It’s why I simply cannot bear the concept of people not remembering or talking about him and his story. It really is that simple. His photos are still up around our house, I still talk about him regularly, I’m planning another charity event in his name in 2024 and I’ve got a few other plans up my sleeve as well. To be clear. I don’t do any of these things because I’m stuck in the past or struggling to “get over it.” I do this because it helps keep his memory alive, and helps me and others. He’d very much like the thought he’s still having an impact, despite no longer physically being here. I know if he’d have been given more time, or been able to prepare me for his death, that this is something he would have told me to do. “Do good. Help others.”

He’d have also told me to be happy, to find someone else and not to live my life in his shadow. I wonder if those close to me are starting to think more about this now too. And query why I haven’t. More and more this year, I’ve been asked if I’ve thought about starting a new relationship. It’s been a funny old year when it comes to that, I won’t lie. I do get a pang when I read or hear about other widows or widowers who have found love again. Or when my single friends start a new relationship. But that’s all it is, a fleeting pang because my overriding emotion is happiness. I feel pleased for them. Life is too short not to be happy. And what I’ve come to realise over the last few months, is that while part of the pang is jealousy because I wonder why no-one wants me, the stronger pain and feeling isn’t jealousy that I’m not in a relationship or dating. It’s actually my new best friend, fear. Fear at other people’s lives moving on, fear as to whether they’ll still be friends with me as their lives change but most of all, fear of being abandoned. Told you. Fear. It’s become an integral part of my life.

A few weeks after he died, I remember saying I’d never be in another relationship in the future because I couldn’t contemplate going through the pain of losing someone again. I was too fearful of it. Today, I still can’t help but feel I’ll be on my own forever. One of my closest friends cried when I told her this recently. Granted, I’m not a psychic and no-one can predict the future, but it’s just a feeling I have. But oddly enough it’s not because of the fear of the pain now. It’s because I’m now too fearful of change. Of upsetting the apple cart. I’m actually starting to feel at peace in my life again. Something that when I got that call from the hospital three years ago, I wasn’t sure I ever would.

I’m getting more comfortable not being part of a couple for the first time in my adult life. I’m getting more comfortable as a widow. And while it’s still a massive part of who I am, it’s not all I am. I’m getting used to the biggest plot twist in my story. I don’t necessarily view being on my own as a bad thing. It doesn’t keep me up at night worrying about it. I don’t cry myself to sleep because I’m on my own. My tears are for the man I lost. For his life being cut short. For what everyone has lost since he died. For everyone who is missing a man who played an important part in so many stories.

When I think about my own story, I think about my entire life. The many chapters which make it up. The phrase Chapter 2 is often used to describe the next relationship after a bereavement, but in my opinion, my new chapter began the day he died. I had chapters in my life before I met him and each one of them has shaped me into being who I am today. It’s why I found a certain irony when looking through photos and reminding myself of one he edited to say “Co-author of my story.” My story, like his, is not simply because we were part of a relationship, we were co-authors to each others stories but not the main writer. I’m not a strong-willed feminist in any way, but I simply don’t believe any of us should be defined by another person or relationship. Self-validation is way more important. I’ve spent the last three years learning who I am as a person in her own right, and I quite like her. Another one of the greatest learnings of widowhood. The need to get to know and understand yourself.

And I already know that getting more acquainted with myself and self-preservation is part of what this next year has in store for me. My next learning. Having to learn and get used to being on my own more. I’m watching my daughter grow into a beautiful teenager, with her own life, becoming more and more independent and with fabulous friends around her. Her dad would be so, so proud of her. But with this comes change for me. Last week, she had an impromptu sleepover with a friend. I was on my way home from the office when she messaged to ask if she could stay with her friend overnight, of course my answer was yes. But that little fear monkey was on my shoulder again. Because I wasn’t entirely sure what I was meant to do on my own for the evening. I panicked a little bit. An unplanned evening to myself. What the heck was I meant to do? The control freak couldn’t cope. The fear was there. The realisation that this is yet something else I have to adjust to.

But I did cope. It wasn’t as scary as I thought it might be. I had a meal for one, a glass of gin, sat on the sofa, did some writing, listened to music and just thought about my life for a bit.

I wouldn’t have chosen this to be my life and my story in a million years. If I had the power to go back and change it, I would without question, but I don’t have a bad life. All things considered.

I have my daughter, my dog, amazing family and friends, my health, my job, volunteering for WAY, my blog, holiday plans and other ambitions.

All of these are things I’d have been beyond grateful for three years ago. I didn’t know what would come next in my story. I didn’t know how I was meant to do this life without my husband by my side. I’m still not really sure how I’m doing it. But I am. And three years ago today, that simply didn’t seem possible. I was stood at the entrance to a very dark and long tunnel. Finding light at the end of it seemed impossible. But little by little that light is becoming easier to find. All these things are helping me find it. And one day when someone tells my story, they’ll make up an integral part of it. As will my late husband. Forever a part of my story.