Suddenly you’re seeing me, just the way I am

A year ago, I wrote a blog called “When I grow up, I’m going to marry Jason Donovan.” I’ve now given a copy of that blog to Jason. “I promise you I’m going to read this darling; I promise you” was his reply. I’ll be honest. Even if he didn’t, it’s not the end of the world. Because he called me darling. Life made in that moment!

And for those of you who have followed my story, you’re not going to be surprised when I say this viewpoint about wanting to marry him hasn’t changed over the past year. I can’t lie. Every time I meet him, there’s still a nervousness and a tiny part of me that always wonders whether this will be the occasion where I change my opinion. Whether this will be the occasion where he crushes my love. But no. It hasn’t happened this year. If I’m completely honest, I doubt it ever will. But what has happened since my last blog is a vital step forward on the widowhood rollercoaster, a marriage proposal and the biggest surprise of my life…

Let’s start with the vital step forward on the widowhood rollercoaster. I’ll start by giving some context. When I look back at my Facebook profile photos from across the years, Jason features in more of them than Mr C! I’m lucky that my late husband was fine with this. After all, he knew his place! But since he fell ill, all my profile pictures had featured him. Aside from one, when I wanted to show solidarity with my friend who had just lost her partner. I felt that was ok to have and people would understand. Because at the back of my mind was the worry that I’d be judged of having a profile photo that didn’t feature Mr C or didn’t have a valid reason behind it. Now, a lot of this comes from my own insecurities and fear of judgement since becoming a young widow. I know that. But I worried. Would I be accused of moving on? Would I be accused of forgetting him? But this is my life now. Overthinking absolutely everything. And there’s also a small part that couldn’t change the photo because of guilt. That I’m still able to live my life, take new photos and make new memories when he no longer can. Grief really is the most conflicting thing to live with.

A prime example of my overthinking about this came in August last year. We went to see Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat at the London Palladium, and waited at the stage door. Something I’ve done many, many times. This time though, I was pushed forward to talk to him by a fellow Jason fan who mentioned what had happened to Mr C. Thus followed a lovely chat between me and Jason about everything I’d gone through. I turned round to see my sister and my friend in tears! They were so moved by how lovely he was and how intently he’d been listening to me. But that’s Jason for you. A genuinely lovely guy. While we were having that conversation, my sister got the most wonderful picture. I walked round the corner to Pret A Manger to grab some lunch, (it’s literally a two minute walk) and when in there I debated whether I should change my profile photo. Whether it was the “right thing” to do. By comparison, when my daughter and I had met Jason at the same place in 2019, my profile photo had been updated before I’d even made it to Pret. But this time, I just couldn’t bear to do it. For that fear of judgement from others. So, after debating over lunch, I didn’t do it. I didn’t change my profile photo. Despite me absolutely loving the photo and what it represented.

Fast forward to October 2021. I was fortunate enough to get some Meet and Greet tickets at the last minute to Jason’s Even More Good Reasons Tour. I don’t think two days’ notice was adequate preparation time really, but I did it. I overthought my outfit (to be fair I’d have probably done this pre-widowhood) and my sister and I made our way to the Hammersmith Apollo. It was only when we got there that we learnt that we’d only be allowed in one at a time. “What on earth am I meant to say to him?” was her response to that. She messaged my brother-in-law. He responded with “go in first and tell him to run.” And while she did go in first, she didn’t tell Jason to run. In fact, she came out with tears in her eyes “he’s just so lovely, I can’t right now” was her description of the conversation they’d had. But I couldn’t ask her why, because it was my turn to go in.

He told me what a lovely conversation he’d had with her. (Shockingly, she didn’t tell him to run. He confirmed that!). And it won’t surprise anyone to know that I left that experience completely agreeing with my sister. He really is just so lovely. I received a brilliant picture from that moment. It came through while the concert was happening and as soon as I looked it, it made my evening. It was a proper smile on my face. The smile reached my eyes. You can see the adoration in my face. You can tell how happy that moment was making me. Just like the conversation I’d had in August.

And I knew the instant that I saw it, that I’d love this to be my profile photo, but that thought I’d had before was nagging at me. What would people think of me if I no longer had Mr C on my profile? Yet on the train home, I did decide to go ahead and change it. Believe me, it took everything I had to click “save.” When I did this, I cried. It might sound small, it might sound stupid, but to me, it felt huge. It felt like I’d just taken a massive step forward. It felt like I was finally giving myself permission to keep living. It felt that I was finally allowing myself to be more than just a widow. To show people who I really am (title of this blog works on so many levels!) One of my friends even commented “well done” when she saw it. She knew just how much it had taken for me to do it. And it’s probably no coincidence at all that it was a picture of me and Jason that made me do it. My one constant since childhood.

I woke up the following morning still on cloud nine. This was what I shared on social media…

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who wanted to grow up and marry Jason Donovan. That little girl went on to go through quite a bit in her life. Jason always proved to be a constant for her. Yesterday, that little girl got one step closer to realising her childhood dream…

I am aware I bleat on about him (a little bit). I am aware that it possibly looks like I have a problem (a small one). But yesterday just reminded me why I am the way I am. He’s honestly one of the most genuine people there is. He reminds me of a time when life was simple, and I didn’t have a care in the world. And for the second time this year, he had my little sister in tears because of the care and compassion he showed regarding Mr C. Spoiler alert. Even she is starting to have a soft spot for him now. Only a little one mind you.

So, when she grows up, that little girl still wants to marry him. His proposal is in writing now. That must be legally binding ❤️

That’s right. I got a marriage proposal. From Jason Donovan. And it’s in writing. 23 years I’d been waiting for this moment. And it was definitely worth the wait! My sister had teed it up for me when she spoke to him, she explained everything I’d gone through over the past couple of years and thanked him for all he’d done for me. What she was unprepared for was how much compassion Jason would show to her about this. The questions he would ask about Mr C and what had happened. That’s what brought the tears to her eyes. The kindness and the compassion.

So, when he and I spoke, he said “I understand there’s a question you’ve wanted to be asked for years, shall we do this then?” I was lost for words. He did tell me not to tell the wife, but I told him how lovely she is too. I was sure she’d understand just what this meant to me! I clutched that signed programme for the entire concert. It is my most treasured possession now. It’s framed. I sent pictures of it to everyone as soon as walked out of the Meet and Greet. But it was the response from my daughter that got me the most. “God save me” was her response. It made me take a sharp intake of breath. Because it was no doubt what Mr C would have said. Or something incredibly similar. That pang of missing him hit. Even when I was the most excited I’d ever been, the happiest I’d been in months, the pang of him not being here was there. I’ve come to accept that’s how my life will always be. The happiness and the pain being intertwined.

And then we come on to the biggest surprise of my life, which is obviously linked to Jason. In October last year, I did something most unlike the old me. I trekked halfway across the country to meet up with someone I’d never met after she so very kindly offered me tickets to see Jason in Leeds. It sounds crazy. I’d never let my daughter do it. Travel halfway across the country to meet someone you’ve only ever spoken to on social media and take her at face value that she’ll give you tickets to a gig. But this is the new me. The new me that realises that life is too blinking short not to do crazy things every now and then. The new me who has been so absolutely blown away by the kindness shown to me. I just knew it would be ok.

I was right. As soon as I walked into the pub to meet her, I knew she was my type of person. She is without question my kindred spirit. So much so, I invited her to my belated 40^th birthday party. Despite only ever meeting her that once in Leeds. Sadly, she was unable to attend. Or so I thought. It turns out that she had colluded with my sister to be there. She travelled 5.5 hours to be there. With her somewhat wonderful husband who had never met me (bloody love that man). They walked into my party wearing Kylie and Jason masks so I wouldn’t recognise them. When they came over to me and lifted them up, I think I actually shrieked. I hugged them both so much. I couldn’t get over it. I couldn’t believe people would do that for me. Travel all that way and surprise me. A mutual love of Jason has brought the most wonderful, full of life person into my world. I’m so lucky.

And since my marriage proposal last year we’ve repeatedly joked on Twitter that she will be my chief official bridesmaid. So, her gift to me at my birthday was a photoshopped image of me, her and my sister onto the Neighbours wedding photo. She even got Jason to sign it for me when she did a Meet and Greet. We come back to that word I used a lot in my blog about him last year. Kindness. It means the absolute world and invariably costs nothing. Though I’m not going to lie. I do wonder what he must have thought when he saw that picture! And I also feel he probably needs some warning ahead of us going to the theatre or a gig together. I’m thinking someone should brief The Dominion Theatre ahead of our visit at the end of the month!!!

But while I jest. My adoration and love of Jason really has given me so much this year. It’s helped me take a step forward I didn’t actually realise I really needed to take. It’s brought someone truly wonderful into my life. It’s helped me make some new and very special memories. That I will treasure for my entire lifetime. I wonder what I’ll be writing this time next year. I may have peaked with the proposal last year, but there’s a few more theatre trips booked over the coming months. So, you just never know what could come next. A girl can dream. I mean, after all. Any Dream Will Do…